Re: I need some help (LONG)-- ADDENDUM TO CJ

[Guest guest]

CJ WROTE:

Please don't dismiss me by suggesting that I just quit this

dysfunctional group where adult babies rule the day. I already know

that I should have stopped throwing pearls before swine a long time ago.

----

Hi CJ,

I know that most of your advice received was exactly what you already know,

that you need to quit the group. Including mine. And that is because so

many paragraphs of your email were filled with the dysfunction of the group

and so many good reasons why you should leave it, that it seemed the

most important thing to say. But I just wanted to take

another moment or two to respond to the remainder, which is really I think

the heart, of your note, and which I didn't really address:

You said:

*Right now, my primary concern is the impact that the bullying is having

on my emotional health, mostly due to my awareness of being alone in the

world to fend for myself in so many others ways. The bullying is yet

another reminder that so few people are willing to step up and openly

support me, instead of taking the easy route and allowing me to get

thrown under a bus by those who yell the loudest. That my experience is

likely to be invalidated by those who prefer to believe that Aspies are

not capable of the type of behaviors I describe.is the loneliest feeling

of all.*

Loneliness, which you are clearly feeling right now, is a killer.

And that is the bottom line. You do have people here

who support you, and I think it's wonderful that Bill even offered to

meet with you in person. Be comforted that people here do care, even

though it is " just " a cyber-group. Think about what things you might

do in your life, which might help alleviate feelings of loneliness. Therapy?

Writing a book? Seeking out new friends? A career change? Adopt a pet?? I am

just throwing

out a few small ideas. We have ALL been there.... just know you are definitely

not alone.

To go back to what I said earlier, yes, you are giving this group too much

importance and

credibility as a yardstick for your self-worth, and it seems to be making

you depressed. As you said, it's clearly happening because you are feeling

lonely in the

other aspects of your life. When we are lonely or depressed, we can't see things

as clearly as we can one we get out of there. Don't be disheartened

by the fact that on that particular email group, where you are dealing with

people you've

never met and probably never will, people who sound like they have a whole

host of issues beyond Aspergers (which the ones who say they have, may not

even have, and even if they do, you know all about differences and

comorbidities),

you feel you are not ably to completely " get along, or there are bullies. I

once watched a writing

group that I love, and participated in for about six years, destroy itself.

This

was a newsgroup where I worked behind the scenes as archivist, putting about two

decades

worth of halfway (and sometimes a lot better than that) decent fiction onto a

website so it

wouldn't be lost to the world. Someone else had bought the domain name and

started

the website, and there were prior archivists, but I took the job on and tried to

make it fun... and we had a blast, in that group, for several years. It killed

me as

I began to watch it get taken over by trolls and by persons who couldn't control

themselves

and so acted like trolls, even if they weren't deliberately trolling. It was an

unmoderated

newsgroup, so of course we tried to be vigilant to keep it together, but the

" leaders "

of the group (and I became one by default) did not agree about what to ignore

and what

to address, there was a ton of drama, and soon, it was no longer " fun " to be

there. And this

was a group I loved, that felt like a family, and it killed me to see it getting

torn apart.

I told them it would happen if they didn't stop... I was their Cassandra I

guess... but they

didn't listen, and eventually I left. Still needed to fill a void in my life so

I joined

a horse group instead, and it was a much more active group that was much more

troll-resistant.

But the bottom line became... *I* had to walk away. Me, who has issues with

" quitting " and

can subconsiciously feel it as failure in myself when I do, had to embrace that

" failure " for

my own emotional health, and say goodbye. And you know what the proof was that

I made the

right choice? Besides the fact that the group is now completely dead? I

continued to pay for

the archive and website for three years after I left. At first I did so

anonymously, no one

even asked how the web was continuing to be paid for, and only the new archivist

knew. But then

after a while, I put it out there that I had been paying for it and didn't want

to any longer,

and did anyone else want to get together to share costs? And though everyone

LOVED the archive,

no one was willing to put their money where their mouth was (we are talking

about $70/year that

could have been divided by many persons.) One person I think may have moved the

group to his

free website eventually when the group was dead... I hope so. But that group

cost me a lot

of emotional dollars in the end, I guess I felt somewhat hurt that no one seemed

to

recognize how hard I had worked to keep things going, but then I realized, you

know what? Why

should they? It was a part of my life, and I got as much from doing it, as I

gave. And people

have LIVES, and cyberspace is only a part of then. I have no regrets, that I

left. And I have

never since let myself be quite so invested in a group... as much as i love this

one and my horse

group, I will not let either one hurt me mentally.

The thing is, the people you are friendly with there probably do not

want to enter into the drama because emotionally THEY can't handle it... but

there may also be other reasons that they don't engage, besides how they

feel about it. To THEM, perhaps it is not merely that the " drama " and conflict

is painful.

Such as, perhaps they also do not understand **why** you attempt to reason with

people who are clearly your

intellectual and emotional inferiors, to be blunt? So they may be confused

because they see you being so logical and rational and wise, yet here you

are allowing yourself to be drawn into the fray, a fray that is very

likely beneath you. Or here is another thought: because you are so logical,

rational and wise and thoughtful on so many important issues... maybe

they see no point in joining in because it always seems you can take care of

yourself and they would never imagine that you NEED or WANT defending. Because

maybe in their own minds, those bullies are so marginal and unimportant that

they are able to go, Pshaw, ignore it, they're trolls, and if you continue

in the fray to justify or explain they don't presume you do that out of

feeling hurt, but just out of strength of personality that makes you try and try

and try. So

it is not an insult to you, but a compliment to your perceived strength.

And then there is also those who may have the rational thought of, well, if you

are feeling hurt,

it's because you are letting the wrong people matter to you.... at which point,

I guess we

come full circle.

I'm sorry I don't have any other words of wisdom to offer. But, you have my

private

email if you ever want to talk, off list, too.

And, finally...

You continued:

*I am rapidly coming to the point where I am beginning to avoid and

mistrust Aspies who are not known and 'safe' to me. To me, the AS

community has become a dangerous place where I have come to feel

regarded as an " outsider " and an enemy because I am often perceived as

" too high functioning " to be considered " one of us " . *

I think that's just a function of being in the wrong places. There is so much

world out there, and you are a very talented woman. Perhaps you can seek out

other

friends, other groups, other things that interest you to help you feel less

lonely? And, speaking as someone who knows that she can lean to the pedantic

as well (which just really means teacher, right?), true friends will not judge

you harshly when you roll that way, but will love you even in pedantic moments.

And at times, if those friends aren't around, you just have to be your own best

friend, too.

Step outside yourself and catch yourself when you may be leaning too far one way

or the next,

or ready to fall. Love yourself for being just the way you are. Forgive

yourself any

perceived human frailties. You'd do it for someone else... do it for yourself,

too.

Best,