Re: Re: Marriage therapy: recommended approaches?

[Guest guest]

Jlkraybill

I couldn't agree more with what Helen said in reply to your question/situation below! I was gearing up to say it and then saw Helen already did.

Jennie AS married 16 yrs

Re: Marriage therapy: recommended approaches?

<snipped>> I would be intersted in hearing from spouses/partners who have been in these relationships longer than we have. I ask this because now that I actually know what is going on in our marriage, I am wondering if it is advisable for me to stay in the relationship. Now that I understand why all this damage is occuring to me, I am not sure that I can/should keep trying to tough it out. Keep in mind that I've been in this relationship for 7.5 or 8 years, and despite having been married for 2 years, my husband refused to live with me.Wow! This doesn't even sound like a marriage. There is a lot more going on than just AS there.> I can't get him to return my calls, and he essentially just isn't a supportive partner to me.All kinds of red flags here! It would almost make one wonder if he is leading a double life. Even if he isn't, this is NOT a marriage. > A "good" day = he hasn't been verbally abusive. I have heard my husband say xxxx thousand times that he is going to try to change his abusive behaviors in order to save the marriage, but it hasn't occurred. It is now at the point where I fear that substantial mental damage is likely occcuring for me. Nothing about this feels particularly healthy or balanced.Your feelings aren't off the mark. Nothing about this is healthy or balanced. > Don't get me wrong; my husband would like to stay married to me.Well I'm sure he would. He knows that there are very few people who would tolerate what you tolerate.> He doesn't want to live with me, and he doesn't want to return my phone calls when I need his help, and he doesn't really want us to have a social circle. So while my husband feels he is getting some kind of benefit somewhere in this mess, I am weighing whether his benefit is worth all the damage that is happening to me. With the length of time you have already been in this relationship, the record stands for itself. His past and present behaviors do not bode well for meaningful change in the time frame that you need it to happen. The real question, Leaving AS out of the equation here (because believe me, this is not normal AS behavior) is how much longer can your self esteem hold up in this non-marriage? > There was a time when I was much more optimistic about the relationship, but by now I have seen the same patterns happening again and again, and I am not sure that it is wise to keep trying at this relationship. (Who should be expected to stay in a marriage where your partner won't live with you? And don't get me started on sexual conflict between us.)I really have to wonder what kind of meaningful "help" you have had in the past. You sound like such a loving, understanding and tolerant person, and to my mind, a responsible counsellor, having heard everything you have just told us, would point out that you deserve much better.Please forgive my bluntness. I am no expert and certainly not normally given to these kinds of pronouncements, but this whole situation is straight up WRONG. Please see a good counsellor for yourself, okay? You don't even need one that knows a single thing about AS because that's really extraneous to the real issues here. Just find someone who understands long term mental abuse and its impact - PTSD - to the partner.- Helen

[Guest guest]

Dear dc.nt2012,I don't want to offend anyone w/ AS but my AS husband of 18 yrs actually set me up & got me arrested bcuz of his mis-perceptions - he was determined/plotting to 'fix me.' I had no idea what was going on & it took 4 months post-separation research to figure out what I was dealing with (I have a professional scientific background in genetics research & a personal interest in psychology). It was a long haul convincing the courts that I was not the one w/ the 'issues' (even tho I confess that I was very much emeshed in the Cassandra Syndrome & was experiencing situational depression bcuz of it). I had previously never heard of Asperger's before. Perhaps you feel you have wasted 8 yrs of life in your 30's but I'm 56, have been divorced 4

yrs & have since found a wonderful love in my life. There are many rewarding experiences in life beyond your thirties. My personal advice is to lovingly learn from the present but to move on & embrace the many positive aspects that your future has to offer. Life is too short to be unhappy & overly frustrated. Life in general has more than enough challenges. Meyer, kind enough to call me, said that I should call my situation a failed marriage & move on - it was good advice. I am very happy & appreciative that life has unfolded as it has. A loving relationship w/ a compatible companion makes all the difference in the world - there is no substitute for a true & loving, considerate, caring, friendship. Just my personal insights. All the best on your jouney

& hope things work out well. Kind Regards, . To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2012 4:46 PM Subject: Re: Marriage therapy: recommended approaches?

I guess I'm glad to see your post, in that it makes me feel less alone. Of course I'm not glad that you are also experiencing similar problems. I do think that you are very fortunate in that you are not married yet. In my case, I did not know my husband's diagnosis before the wedding -- he just seemed quirky, disorganized, sometimes irresponsible, and not very supportive of common social customs.

However, right around the time of the wedding, he basically "self combusted" and became very verbally and emotionally abusive. His prior quirky traits spiraled out of control, all in ways that are disrespectful to me. I won't list here the whole series of horrible things he has done and said. It has been grueling and devastating and at first I had no idea why he was being so cruel. About 1.5 years into the marriage, and after 3 marriage counselors failed to grasp what the root of many of our problems were, MY therapist realized what was going on: he has AS. Now it finally all makes sense. Every single thing fits. Unfortunately my husband doesn't seem able to change any of his behaviors, regardless of all the things he says he will do or that he says he wants to change. It's absolutely horrible and degrading. I feel like I've wasted 8 years of my life on this relationship, and I am legally trapped in it. I am not sure what to do. My 30s

have basically been wasted and ruined over this. I have read all the AS books; I have done all the self-work I can do. The bottom line is, I can't make my husband be respectful or considerate towards me. (I literally can't even get the man to return my phone calls.) I am posting this here because I wish someone had warned me BEFORE I got married. I would not be in the situation I am in, if someone had been able to warn me before I got married.

The good news for you is that you are not married. I am so envious of your situation. I would strongly encourage you to seek out relationship counseling BEFORE you get married. If he won't go with you to counseling now, well -- there's a good indication of how fulfilling the relationship is likely to be for you. In my experience, my husband just got much, much worse after the wedding--something changed in his mind, after we were married.

Here is also a link to an article that I found to mirror a lot of my experiences. Maybe it will be useful for you, too:

http://www.insightpsychological.com/Library/Asperger%20Marriage.pdf

>

> > For relationships w/ one AS person and one NT person, has anyone found a type of marriage counseling that has proven to be effective? My husband and I have tried 3 different LICSWs for marriage counseling, and none have been particularly helpful. (One guy was using Internal Family Systems, one lady was using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I really couldn't tell what the other guy was using--seemed like a lot of well-intended, yet ultimately ineffective, talking and hand-holding.)

> >

> > So, we have not found any therapy so far to be useful. "We" have been struggling for years with seemingly basic things like why my husband doesn't return my phone calls when I've indicated that I really need to talk to him, or why my husband shows up 2 hours late for date-night without having bothered to let me know he was running late. (These are behavioral things that seem like they really shouldn't be that hard to change -- but 8 years later, here I sit, seeing the same disrespectful behavior again and again and again. Am I a fool to think this can change? I even initiated a separation at one point, but that really didn't result in the type of long-term change I would have hoped to see. Maybe we are beyond hope; I guess I just keep hoping that some sound counseling might help.)

> >

> > Does anyone have constructive input on this -- such as a specific type of therapy that worked, or a particular type of professional to be recommended (such as a clinical neuropsychologist or something else)?

> >

> > Thank you.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > TODAY(Beta) • Powered by Yahoo!

> > NFL legend weighs in on , Tebow

> > Hall of Famer Joe Montana says one of the Jets' quarterbacks is clearly better than the other.

> > Privacy Policy

>

[Guest guest]

In my experience, my husband just got much, much worse after the wedding--something changed in his mind, after we were married.

Unfortunately I experienced a similar situation the very day after we married, and my new husband started throwing his weight around (meaning he started bossing me about unpleasantly) and demanding this Tv program and this for his meal or that I didn't answer the phone etc..and eventually I came to asking him outright what on earth had happened to him since we married? (we had lived together 3 yrs before this date!).

He just lay back in his chair and said without any concern

'Well we are married now, so I don't have to make as much effort to keep you here'

I was utterly stunned and it took at least 6 months before he would even consider

starting to act with any consideration towards me.

I still go through times when I wonder if he really is a mild sociopath..anyone else see any similarities in their partner?

He can be very kind when he wants to be, but the key words are 'when he wants to be'!

Hazel (NT & Tc (AS) married 30 + yrs

[Guest guest]

I still go through times when I wonder if he really is a

mild sociopath..anyone else see any similarities in their

partner?

From an NS/NT perspective, I can see why you might think that he is

a sociopath.

Speaking as an Aspie, I suspect that it's more of an issue of

scripted behavior and mimicry.

It sounds like he courted you using his courting script, one

assembled from cultural tidbits he gleaned from television, movies,

and personal observation.

He did the same once married. Now that he is no longer in courting

mode, he is exhibiting some of the worst stereotypes of how the

media portrays the behavior of married men.

Once he becomes a parent, he will develop a parenting script.

A lot of Aspies (males in particular) mimic what they interpret

taking place in the greater world, often without a great deal of

understanding of the nuances of a situation or the reasoning behind

them. In their desire to fit in and seem 'normal', they may heavily

rely on rote and scripted behavior in order to feel some sense of

control in navigating the world in which they live.

Best,

~CJ