Re: (was Re: Introduction () change of dynamic after diagnosis (long)

[Guest guest]

Thank you SO much for your kind & extensive response Helen, One thing that comes to mind w/ your reply is that combinations of genetic & environmental factors are vast & can cause well, zillions of variations in human behavior. Whether it be AS, NT, or any other multitude of variants in human nature, it is unfortunate that some forms of human nature can sometimes potentially hurt rather enhance a

relationship(s)/situation(s). We all posses areas of naivety in certain respects & /or enhanced perception in others. There are so many complicating contributions that tinker w/ the success or failure of any

relationship/situation. Statistically, we're all under the Bell Curve somewhere. There is good/bad in all of us depending on what we are faced w/ & how we deal w/ what is presented. In general, I think we all try to do the best we can for all involved, given a situation but, navigating the unexpected can be daunting when there is no prior knowledge or experience to draw from. I guess that's why life, no matter who we are, is an adventure! One other reflection (that still bothers me on occasion) is that I was appalled & immensely disappointed by how inhumanely cruel & coercive humans in

the the 'legal' system could be. There was almost a 'delight,' certainly a satisfaction, in displaying control over other human beings, using the coldest, hardened, heartless forms of intimidation, as well as false accusations. I was floored. Perhaps yet another genetic/environmentally influenced variation of people-type drawn to or absorbed by this employment environment/vocational 'culture?' For someone who's never even had so much as traffic ticket in 30 yrs, it was like being on another planet. At the time ( & among other researching on AS in relationships, etc), I found/read a couple of articles written by Dr. Linehan on the roll of AS/NT in marriage/divorce conflict. I tried to find legal ears but..... No one was listening.

Anyway, thank you kindly. The catapulting experience led me to a much happier life, even tho it was a wacky way to get here I will look into Kathy Marshack's publications - thank you. Regards, Les. PS - Enjoy your garden! To: aspires-relationships Sent: Monday, July 23, 2012 9:50 AM Subject: (was Re: Introduction () change of dynamic after diagnosis (long)

Hi ,

I was back in my garden before the heat of the day makes that impossible when I remembered I had not acknowledged your post yet, so I am back in here to do this now. When I read your story I thought, WOW, here is a horrific example of how "Cassandra" can come into play in a dysfunctional AS/NT marriage.

Many years ago I witnessed similar dynamics in another marriage horribly gone wrong. It led to the very premature death of the NT partner. Her physical and mental health was ruined by her crazy making experiences at the hands of a brilliant and highly respected but very aloof, mind-blind and almost diabolical husband. This happened in a time when nothing was known about AS, so on the outside, he seemed like such a nice guy to everyone else. Only his surviving adult children (who have since learned about AS) know differently.

Yours is the kind of story one HOPES would not happen to anyone, not even your worst adversary. The fact that you have been able to move forward in life, and show even more empathy and understanding is a testament to your own mental stability and strength of character. Many would have been destroyed by that experience. I'm so glad you came to the group as yours is a story which needs to be repeated.

Yes, as person who proudly counts myself on the AS side of the spectrum, I nevertheless acknowledge that some of our own are "bad apples." Often the true nature of the dysfunctional dynamic in such a marriage. marriage is not readily apparent. It can make the formerly emotionally healthy partner look like they are the crazy one. I will stand up and speak back to those who want to deny the existence of "Cassandra" in some AS/NT marriages.. it's real.

It not only happens in AS/NT marriages, and that needs to be understood too. However, for those have survived it and are new to this group, we need to validate their feelings so they know they weren't imagining things. At that time it's not really helpful if we point out that "Cassandra phenomenon" exists in a variety of settings - eg. a corrupt corporate environment - not just in some dysfunctional AS/NT marriages. We can can save that one for later. We need to mature as a spectrum community and acknowledge the "elephant under the rug" that exists in "our" community too.

Have you ever read Kathy Marshack's books and articles? Here is one (click on side bar to navigate the site.) http://www.kmarshack.com/High-Conflict-Divorce/Recognizing-High-Conflict-Divorce.html

- Helen