Re: Shutting down when the going gets tough

March 6, 2012

Hi all,

The newer members here are expressing the confusions and concerns that we see when people find their way here, and as years go by, we all learn from one another. There are a lot of resonances with my first posts here, and I am always glad to see how the 'rallying round' starts to open up understanding.

The point makes about energy and input certainly rings true with me. Ian, my AS partner of 13 years, has spent the majority of his life in ignorance about AS, and the latter part of his existence learning why, what and wherefore - and he is at the point where he is far more appreciative of how he is as a person. However, as a born-again Aspie, he is still putting a lot of emphasis on the things that happened in the past that could have been better if only..... He carries a bundle of chips on his shoulders, and he battles daily with his obsessive thoughts (never forgetting a hurt or slight) and his sensory issues and his meltdown/frustrations.

I have slotted into a routine with him that means for me, there are missing chunks of rapport and support, which I fill with friendships, hobbies and family, much as others in AS/NS relationships do.

I am having a particularly bad time at present - I work with neurologically challenged people and there is a small cohort who are trying to oust me because they want their own encumbent (someone who didnt get my job when they applied), so keep putting obstacles in my way, defaming me, etc. The work I do is monitored and there is no founding for their badmouthing, and luckily I have strong support and evidence to show that I do my job as expected. However, the majority of OCD folks I work with never let a word or look pass, so its a constant struggle to keep upbeat. I have been gently rebutting this for two years, dealing with each onslaught at source.

This isnt the same burden of responsibility as the day to day care of a child, by any means; but there is a division of when I need support for responsibilities weighing on me, and when I can deal with it, and Ian simply cannot take the brunt of that when I am at home and depleted of happiness or energy. Not only because he isnt perceptive enough to know when I am at the end of the short rope, but also because he is so immersed in his own sensory, troubled, whirling dervish head, and doing his own things, that he cant stick his head up over the cloud base and see me.

He often says that he wishes we could have had a child, and then quickly says he is glad we didnt; he grieves for that, because he wants to be seen as a good person (very important to him, as a young child he was beaten, treated appallingly, and when older he was isolated, he thinks because of his social ineptness and AS). He wants to do good. His grief is that he doesnt know how to 'contribute' to a family life, and that he is so absorbed in dealing with himself, he cannot deal with anyone else.

So, he puts all his energy into himself and his getting through the day, thinking only of his hobbies, his feelings and how awful life is, and maybe he is too. I spend a lot of time fitting in, and dealing with the daily grind, and reassuring him he is a great guy (because he is). But in all honesty, because of his late diagnosis, and his childhood damage, he is 'high maintenance' and I wonder if he could cope with a child too. His sensory issues make him back off from babies - he coos over photos of them and wishes he could have been a parent (I remind him that Picasso had a kid aged 90, so as I am a lot older than he, he can line up his young mistress pretty soon). He doesnt mind the photos, because they dont smell, make noises at a high volume, or wriggle.

Ian doesnt comprehend that I am in the continuing throes of a bad situation at work, nor does he absorb the few bits of information I have given him about it when it all began. He just says so what, you are right and they are wrong. Its the harshness and unfairness that gets to me, and for someone who is feeling that they are wronged and constantly being judged (Ian) I wonder whether he can reference what I am feeling too. But it appears not, Ian is able to see by my face that things are not ok, because he can remember my ok face, and this one isnt it.

In terms of how I deal with this, its a case of letting him know that I am feeling awful, but also letting him know that he isnt part of that, and that he isnt expected to 'do' anything about it. Just to know that is why I might not answer him straight away (deep in thought and unaware of him speaking to me - now there is an NS turnabout!).

The hardest bit is carrying the burden for myself, but its also a strong lesson learnt. Before I knew Ian I wouldnt have been as strong or to the point as I am now. Having a bit of Aspergation might well help me retrieve my work situation. I can be AS like - know the right thing, do the right thing, no messing, no dabbling, and overcome sensitivities to make a strong statement.

Ian is hard to live with when I need a hand, mental or physical, or when I really need to share responsibilities. But he is also good to live with when I want to have the harsh reality of life presented to me - in this case: I am right, they are wrong. Even if the fickle finger of fate denies me my rights, and the cohort wins, I shall always know that. Practically speaking, its harsh because I am the breadwinner in our family and I am hanging on to this job by my little fingernail. Another thing: despite seeming helpless, he has immense faith in me as a person, to the point of deitification. He rages at me if I try to make him do something he doesnt want to do, but he has absolute faith in me to achieve good things. That, conversely is sometimes the source of our arguments, as he thinks I can do anything and everything, so any weakness on my part frightens him. As does the consequence of our not

having an income between us.

That, I believe, is where I came in - Ian relies on me a lot, but wont share or acknowledge responsibilities; hence our oft shared conversation about what it would have been like to have had children together. He is good with other people's young kids but usually because he likes their computer games or toys, its more 'play' than 'care'. And he is totally embarrassing with my teenage nieces, trying to 'get down with the kids'. Cringe.

Anyway, in the end, your AS will always tell you the truth; even if its their truth; but maybe they dont pick up trash, change nappies, notice your arms are full of shopping or that you have had to walk 3 miles in the snow, which may be your reality.

Input on my part, and energy on Ians, and mostly the twain doesnt meet; it is having the appreciation of that from the start that can then give way for negotiation and understanding, acknowledgement and adaptation?

Judy B, wishing she had a rich aunt, Scotland

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Monday, 5 March 2012, 18:28Subject: Re: 5 months Pregnant ADHD/NT Wife with AS Husband

** - my comments>I definitely have a very good support system in place, so if he does fail me at some point in the birthing process, I will have good backup. As for farther down the road, I guess we will just have to deal with issues as they come. ** Awesome to see you have the kind of support system you have. I think it's always good to have a "Plan B" as often as possible. When I was younger, I could have seen myself being like the "what do I do? what do I do? what do I do?" ever continuous cycle. One thing I learned about living with AS is my inability of having a Plan B, because of the literal and linear nature of doing things all the time. As the "light bulb" came on in my life, I began to "get it"

about the need to "Plan B." And this wouldn't become any clearer than when I began to date my best friend - a single parent with two special needs kids (and now with three grandchildren who live with her as of a couple of weeks ago). Talk about the need to adapt to a lot of change happening quickly! This wouldn't have been possible for me even a couple of years ago. > I really wonder why AS dads are so unstable about procreation/children though??? It really boggles my mind...my husband is a really good uncle to his nephews and he is adorable when he plays with children, but he does seem to get tired after an hour or two of such activities. ** My thinking is of the energy used with being around others and the social sensitivities involved. People with AS (myself included) are or have been known to be in isolated environment for a good amount at a time. Quoting myself in the Chattanooga Pulse (Vol 8, Issue 34, August 25, 2011), "Due to the

sensory challenges that someone with AS/HFA may have during the day, it's easy for the person to be overwhelmed at work (or anywhere else - around other relatives, perhaps in your husband's case), causing them to go home and stay there." Being around other people can take a lot out of someone with AS, because of the energy used in social activities like maintaining a conversation or spending time around other people. That could explain why he may tire out after 1-2 hours, while being like an uncle to other relatives. > Before we found out he had AS I just assumed he would be a good dad since I had seen him behaving so wonderfully around kids...he said it's completely different when it's his own kid though. So what is the issue with having children for the AS dad? I guess one of you mentioned there hasn't been any research on this, so it's anyone's guess at this point.** My guess goes along like this. AS dad grew up as a special

needs child and developmentally delayed moreso than other non-spectrum kids. As a result, his development came along slower than other kids his age, as much as 20-25% slower than other kids. Thus, the things the other kids learned growing into adulthood, he wasn't quite there yet. S/he might have known intellectually what it was to be a parent from what s/he read, but emotionally and such, s/he doesn't know how to parent a child like the non-spectrum parent would. And.. because being around your own child as an AS parent requires daily energy (and much more of it than simply visiting relatives for an hour or two), the issues arise with being an AS parent of a child for the non-spectrum spouse - similar to the question you posed.My guess is that partially explains why the non-spectrum spouse gets upset and angry at the spectrum spouse about raising their own kids. He/she spent so much time at work doing whatever, that he/she feels the need to

"shut down" and isolate when coming home. This, along with other things in their relationship, builds up over time. If the non-AS spouse does *not* have a support system, he/she becomes a "shell" of self over time and ends up needing a lot more psychological help than previously thought.

March 6, 2012

Or......

"I remind him that Picasso had a kid aged 90, ...... "

For all the grammar sticklers out there...

"I remind him that at the age of 90, Picasso fathered a child..."

I thank you!

Judy B (also thinking that deitification should be deification... or something )

To: "aspires-relationships " <aspires-relationships > Sent: Tuesday, 6 March 2012, 11:26Subject: Re: Shutting down when the going gets tough