Re: It all went wrong again...

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky,

All I can see is, Go!!! BEFORE you have children with him!!! There is nothing

holding you back. You may find he does not come after you and that will tell

you all you need to know. You are young and do not need to continue a one-way

relationship. Give your love to someone else who will appreciate it.

It all went wrong again...

 

Hiya, well I should have seen it coming, really, being the so-say NT in the

relationship.

Last year, yet again, J shut down on me. I just couldn't get through to him. He

fell into himself, and basically, last time was so horrid, that I was very clear

that I personally couldn't cope with it happening again. We went through several

months of couples counselling, with someone familiar with AS, it seemed to hope.

Then J got a job in Germany, so everything was about that. Just coping with

moving, getting there reasonably sane, I organised and coordinated everything. I

gave him straightforward tasks to involve him, and he seemd happy to have some

input at that level. We were both totally preoccupied with getting to Germany in

one piece. The reason for me taking over is because j will have meltdowns,

temper tantrums, anxiety and panic if he has to deal with this sort of thing,

and also he will just completely shut down, going through previous UK only house

moves. So I end up doing everything anyway. So I tried to involve him by

supporting me, as I was protecting him....

Following on from the counselling, I had been trying to communicate with Jon in

all the ways we had aggreed were good. I kept telling him that we needed to

mutually support eachother, that I needed support, as I was taking the brunt of

everything, to protect him, that he needed to support me in small ways. He made

noises of understanding and I thought it would be ok.

We got out here, and I got us registered all the civic administration, liaising

with the relocation team and so on, to get everything set up.

And that is pretty much when I noticed he was shutting down on me. He started

work, and has been going out with colleagues, he has the chance to come and go

as he pleases, and I have tried to support this, so that he can adjust to this

new life. I have said that he needs to measure his social activity with the men

who have a family, and to pace himself with those, as we *were* starting to

think about trying for a baby in the next few months - to a year, as *we* had

agreed that things were looking much brighter as a couple.

So roll on time, he continued to be totally closed, no smile, no eye contact,

just like a zombie. I really tried everything to keep the pressure off him, but

he just became more distant. And in every way, emotionally, intellectually and

physically. He would give me a token daily stroke,(less than our dogs were

getting). I was trying to continue protecting him, and he continued to be

totally absent. As I don't work, and I am a sociable person, I have been trying

to get some contact with the outsie world, although it's not exactly peachy. I

did sit down and try to explain to J that I was intensely lonely, very

vulnerable and sexually about to explode. But he didn't hear me at all. I tried

to do it a couple more times, and in tears. BUt he was just absent.

I then lost my rag (I am sorry, I had tried everything, and nothing would get

through to him). I told him this was exactly the same as last year, when we had

very nearly divorced.

My biggest problem is how to get him to listen, when he is shut down.

He has massive discrepancies between his intentions and the reality that in his

head we have this peachy marriage, whereas, I try to do so much for him, to free

him up for work, and he then totally ignores me.

He says he doesn't mean to do it, and he says that he wants to change. He says

that he want s another chance to prove to me that the relationship can work.

It hurts me so massively when he shuts down on me, that I am no longer feeling

in love with him. I thought I was being clear to him, telling him what I needed,

approaching problems in a pro-aspie manner, to support him in every way

possible.

I am completely empty. Kids are so far off the agenda, because I really don't

feel I can trust him. He has made hollow promises to me now for over 7 years.

Promising to change and me believing it. He is desperate to keep me. I am now in

a foreign country, I don't speak the language, and my mental health has taken a

massive hit, from him shutting down on me. I care for him deeply and worry about

him, but I really don't know whether to give him 'another last chance'. He's had

so many and it's really just continuing to make me ill.

Any advice would be deeply appreciated. I genuinely feel that I have given

everything I know and approached this problem from every angle, but it seems

that if he has shut down, I just can't get through to him without threatening

divorce. It's horribly painful to have to keep going through such a breakdown in

the relationship. I can't make him listen or 'snap out of it' or anything.

I am seriously considering just leaving him. He's had 10 years of my youth. I am

now 34, I have a right to feel loved and safe in a relationship, but just can't

see how I will be able to get that back, as part of me has just down now, out of

sheer self protection.

Thanks for taking time to read this.

[Guest guest]

All I can say is that all my efforts to " protect " my daughter have led co co-dependency and me doing all the " heavy lifting " . That is simply unhealthy for both folks. Sylvia

 

Hi Becky,

All I can see is, Go!!! BEFORE you have children with him!!! There is nothing holding you back. You may find he does not come after you and that will tell you all you need to know. You are young and do not need to continue a one-way relationship. Give your love to someone else who will appreciate it.

It all went wrong again...

 

Hiya, well I should have seen it coming, really, being the so-say NT in the relationship.

Last year, yet again, J shut down on me. I just couldn't get through to him. He fell into himself, and basically, last time was so horrid, that I was very clear that I personally couldn't cope with it happening again. We went through several months of couples counselling, with someone familiar with AS, it seemed to hope.

Then J got a job in Germany, so everything was about that. Just coping with moving, getting there reasonably sane, I organised and coordinated everything. I gave him straightforward tasks to involve him, and he seemd happy to have some input at that level. We were both totally preoccupied with getting to Germany in one piece. The reason for me taking over is because j will have meltdowns, temper tantrums, anxiety and panic if he has to deal with this sort of thing, and also he will just completely shut down, going through previous UK only house moves. So I end up doing everything anyway. So I tried to involve him by supporting me, as I was protecting him....

Following on from the counselling, I had been trying to communicate with Jon in all the ways we had aggreed were good. I kept telling him that we needed to mutually support eachother, that I needed support, as I was taking the brunt of everything, to protect him, that he needed to support me in small ways. He made noises of understanding and I thought it would be ok.

We got out here, and I got us registered all the civic administration, liaising with the relocation team and so on, to get everything set up.

And that is pretty much when I noticed he was shutting down on me. He started work, and has been going out with colleagues, he has the chance to come and go as he pleases, and I have tried to support this, so that he can adjust to this new life. I have said that he needs to measure his social activity with the men who have a family, and to pace himself with those, as we *were* starting to think about trying for a baby in the next few months - to a year, as *we* had agreed that things were looking much brighter as a couple.

So roll on time, he continued to be totally closed, no smile, no eye contact, just like a zombie. I really tried everything to keep the pressure off him, but he just became more distant. And in every way, emotionally, intellectually and physically. He would give me a token daily stroke,(less than our dogs were getting). I was trying to continue protecting him, and he continued to be totally absent. As I don't work, and I am a sociable person, I have been trying to get some contact with the outsie world, although it's not exactly peachy. I did sit down and try to explain to J that I was intensely lonely, very vulnerable and sexually about to explode. But he didn't hear me at all. I tried to do it a couple more times, and in tears. BUt he was just absent.

I then lost my rag (I am sorry, I had tried everything, and nothing would get through to him). I told him this was exactly the same as last year, when we had very nearly divorced.

My biggest problem is how to get him to listen, when he is shut down.

He has massive discrepancies between his intentions and the reality that in his head we have this peachy marriage, whereas, I try to do so much for him, to free him up for work, and he then totally ignores me.

He says he doesn't mean to do it, and he says that he wants to change. He says that he want s another chance to prove to me that the relationship can work.

It hurts me so massively when he shuts down on me, that I am no longer feeling in love with him. I thought I was being clear to him, telling him what I needed, approaching problems in a pro-aspie manner, to support him in every way possible.

I am completely empty. Kids are so far off the agenda, because I really don't feel I can trust him. He has made hollow promises to me now for over 7 years. Promising to change and me believing it. He is desperate to keep me. I am now in a foreign country, I don't speak the language, and my mental health has taken a massive hit, from him shutting down on me. I care for him deeply and worry about him, but I really don't know whether to give him 'another last chance'. He's had so many and it's really just continuing to make me ill.

Any advice would be deeply appreciated. I genuinely feel that I have given everything I know and approached this problem from every angle, but it seems that if he has shut down, I just can't get through to him without threatening divorce. It's horribly painful to have to keep going through such a breakdown in the relationship. I can't make him listen or 'snap out of it' or anything.

I am seriously considering just leaving him. He's had 10 years of my youth. I am now 34, I have a right to feel loved and safe in a relationship, but just can't see how I will be able to get that back, as part of me has just down now, out of sheer self protection.

Thanks for taking time to read this.

[Guest guest]

Becky,

This looks like a preview of what life may be like if you do decide to have a

child with him. Your biological clock is starting to tick loudly, and if you

want to have a child right now, then you may have to find a mate who is ready

for a family and will be more engaged with you and the child.

If you still want to stay with your husband and can accept that children may not

be in your future together, this may seem radical, but the other thing you might

try is the opposite tack from what you are doing right now.

Stop falling over yourself trying to accommodate to him. Look after YOU first

and let him take care of himself, and that means cooking and cleaning up after

himself while you develop your *own* life and circle of friends, associates and

support there. This may get his attention, maybe.

It does seem that some people take it for granted when someone else is available

to them 24/7, and they look upon the provider of all this support as a parental

figure who will always supply unconditional love and caretaking.

Perhaps it's a self esteem issue too, " thinking he/she is so nice to me no

matter what I do/don't do, there must be something wrong with them that they put

up with me. They probably know they can't get any one else. " They may have been

treated poorly in their young lives, being approached only when others needed

something, and have carried over that low expectation and low trust of others to

their intimate relationships.

I am not suggesting deliberately withholding and playing hard-to-get, but I am

suggesting looking after YOU first, even if that means not giving him what he

wants when he wants it, as he is so accustomed to. If meeting his needs happens

to suit YOUR timetable, then great, but otherwise, you have to meet your own

social and emotional needs first. You need to make that, and not him, your

priority now, since obviously he's not going to meet your needs.

He may be assuming that everyone - including you - operates the way he does,

which is looking after #1, and does not appreciate how your whole life has been

subsumed by his needs. In fact, it seems like the more you do for him, the less

he appreciates it.

If you are able to develop your own life there he may realize " OMG, I'd better

start paying attention or soon I won't be in her life " at which point you must

make clear to him (and really mean it, with real consequences) that if he wants

to share in your world he has to consistently bring something substantial to it.

Worth a try, while you still love him.

- Helen

>

> Hiya, well I should have seen it coming, really, being the so-say NT in the

relationship.

>

> Last year, yet again, J shut down on me. I just couldn't get through to him.

He fell into himself, and basically, last time was so horrid, that I was very

clear that I personally couldn't cope with it happening again. We went through

several months of couples counselling, with someone familiar with AS, it seemed

to hope.

>

> Then J got a job in Germany, so everything was about that. Just coping with

moving, getting there reasonably sane, I organised and coordinated everything.

I gave him straightforward tasks to involve him, and he seemd happy to have some

input at that level. We were both totally preoccupied with getting to Germany

in one piece. The reason for me taking over is because j will have meltdowns,

temper tantrums, anxiety and panic if he has to deal with this sort of thing,

and also he will just completely shut down, going through previous UK only house

moves. So I end up doing everything anyway. So I tried to involve him by

supporting me, as I was protecting him....

>

> Following on from the counselling, I had been trying to communicate with Jon

in all the ways we had aggreed were good. I kept telling him that we needed to

mutually support eachother, that I needed support, as I was taking the brunt of

everything, to protect him, that he needed to support me in small ways. He made

noises of understanding and I thought it would be ok.

>

> We got out here, and I got us registered all the civic administration,

liaising with the relocation team and so on, to get everything set up.

>

> And that is pretty much when I noticed he was shutting down on me. He started

work, and has been going out with colleagues, he has the chance to come and go

as he pleases, and I have tried to support this, so that he can adjust to this

new life. I have said that he needs to measure his social activity with the men

who have a family, and to pace himself with those, as we *were* starting to

think about trying for a baby in the next few months - to a year, as *we* had

agreed that things were looking much brighter as a couple.

>

> So roll on time, he continued to be totally closed, no smile, no eye contact,

just like a zombie. I really tried everything to keep the pressure off him, but

he just became more distant. And in every way, emotionally, intellectually and

physically. He would give me a token daily stroke,(less than our dogs were

getting). I was trying to continue protecting him, and he continued to be

totally absent. As I don't work, and I am a sociable person, I have been trying

to get some contact with the outsie world, although it's not exactly peachy. I

did sit down and try to explain to J that I was intensely lonely, very

vulnerable and sexually about to explode. But he didn't hear me at all. I

tried to do it a couple more times, and in tears. BUt he was just absent.

>

> I then lost my rag (I am sorry, I had tried everything, and nothing would get

through to him). I told him this was exactly the same as last year, when we had

very nearly divorced.

>

> My biggest problem is how to get him to listen, when he is shut down.

>

> He has massive discrepancies between his intentions and the reality that in

his head we have this peachy marriage, whereas, I try to do so much for him, to

free him up for work, and he then totally ignores me.

>

> He says he doesn't mean to do it, and he says that he wants to change. He

says that he want s another chance to prove to me that the relationship can

work.

>

> It hurts me so massively when he shuts down on me, that I am no longer feeling

in love with him. I thought I was being clear to him, telling him what I

needed, approaching problems in a pro-aspie manner, to support him in every way

possible.

>

> I am completely empty. Kids are so far off the agenda, because I really don't

feel I can trust him. He has made hollow promises to me now for over 7 years.

Promising to change and me believing it. He is desperate to keep me. I am now

in a foreign country, I don't speak the language, and my mental health has taken

a massive hit, from him shutting down on me. I care for him deeply and worry

about him, but I really don't know whether to give him 'another last chance'.

He's had so many and it's really just continuing to make me ill.

>

> Any advice would be deeply appreciated. I genuinely feel that I have given

everything I know and approached this problem from every angle, but it seems

that if he has shut down, I just can't get through to him without threatening

divorce. It's horribly painful to have to keep going through such a breakdown in

the relationship. I can't make him listen or 'snap out of it' or anything.

>

> I am seriously considering just leaving him. He's had 10 years of my youth.

I am now 34, I have a right to feel loved and safe in a relationship, but just

can't see how I will be able to get that back, as part of me has just down now,

out of sheer self protection.

>

> Thanks for taking time to read this.

>

[Guest guest]

Very sorry to read your story. It's a very tough decision. It is easier to break

ties when you don't have children, that is certain. It sounds like you have done

everything you can to make this work and I know from experience how hard it is

to carry another person in a marriage, however much you love them, and to do

what you have done shows plenty love.

A couple of questions - is there anyone else in his life who he has listened to

in the past and who might talk to him? Also, does he respond at all to the

written word (I once sent an email listing everything I was feeling about a

particular issue with my husband and I think it helped him to have a 'visual'

form of communication to look at in his own time)?

My thoughts are with you. You are in a particularly lonely place both literally

and mentally. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Sent from my iPhone

[Guest guest]

You need a break! I'd start by taking a vacation if at all possible, alone, in order to have time to think, regroup, and destress. Wish I could have done that myself.

To me it looks like he's using you. In my opinion you should stop taking care of him. He's an adult, AS or not, treat him like one. A relationship can't be all about one person giving and the other person being a black hole who can never get enough. It just won't work. He will burn you out. If you want the relationship to succeed my advice would be, stop taking care of him. This is a risk, of course, but it will help you see if he's in the relationship because he loves you (in which case he will suck it up and take on the tasks that are rightfully his by virtue of being a grown man) OR you will see he's just been taking advantage of you (in which case he will probably get sulky and have a tantrum when you don't take care of him any more.) And I don't mean stop doing what would be normal caretaking, but sit down and figure out what YOU believe and what YOU feel should be your responsibility in the normal course of events. Then from there you can figure what might be some basic respect accomodations you are willing to make in terms of his AS but you are not obligated to run his life for him, nor are you obligated to be the buffer between him and the rest of the world!! I say, let him sink or swim.

I don't want to sound harsh, but I've been here and done this. The best thing I ever did was throw in the towel on the excessive caretaking, stop taking on responsibilities that aren't mine, and just flat out refuse to deal with things no matter how awful the result, that were supposed to be his responsibility. And my husband isn't AS, I am.

J

It all went wrong again...

Hiya, well I should have seen it coming, really, being the so-say NT in the relationship.Last year, yet again, J shut down on me. I just couldn't get through to him. He fell into himself, and basically, last time was so horrid, that I was very clear that I personally couldn't cope with it happening again. We went through several months of couples counselling, with someone familiar with AS, it seemed to hope.Then J got a job in Germany, so everything was about that. Just coping with moving, getting there reasonably sane, I organised and coordinated everything. I gave him straightforward tasks to involve him, and he seemd happy to have some input at that level. We were both totally preoccupied with getting to Germany in one piece. The reason for me taking over is because j will have meltdowns, temper tantrums, anxiety and panic if he has to deal with this sort of thing, and also he will just completely shut down, going through previous UK only house moves. So I end up doing everything anyway. So I tried to involve him by supporting me, as I was protecting him....Following on from the counselling, I had been trying to communicate with Jon in all the ways we had aggreed were good. I kept telling him that we needed to mutually support eachother, that I needed support, as I was taking the brunt of everything, to protect him, that he needed to support me in small ways. He made noises of understanding and I thought it would be ok.We got out here, and I got us registered all the civic administration, liaising with the relocation team and so on, to get everything set up.And that is pretty much when I noticed he was shutting down on me. He started work, and has been going out with colleagues, he has the chance to come and go as he pleases, and I have tried to support this, so that he can adjust to this new life. I have said that he needs to measure his social activity with the men who have a family, and to pace himself with those, as we *were* starting to think about trying for a baby in the next few months - to a year, as *we* had agreed that things were looking much brighter as a couple.So roll on time, he continued to be totally closed, no smile, no eye contact, just like a zombie. I really tried everything to keep the pressure off him, but he just became more distant. And in every way, emotionally, intellectually and physically. He would give me a token daily stroke,(less than our dogs were getting). I was trying to continue protecting him, and he continued to be totally absent. As I don't work, and I am a sociable person, I have been trying to get some contact with the outsie world, although it's not exactly peachy. I did sit down and try to explain to J that I was intensely lonely, very vulnerable and sexually about to explode. But he didn't hear me at all. I tried to do it a couple more times, and in tears. BUt he was just absent.I then lost my rag (I am sorry, I had tried everything, and nothing would get through to him). I told him this was exactly the same as last year, when we had very nearly divorced.My biggest problem is how to get him to listen, when he is shut down.He has massive discrepancies between his intentions and the reality that in his head we have this peachy marriage, whereas, I try to do so much for him, to free him up for work, and he then totally ignores me.He says he doesn't mean to do it, and he says that he wants to change. He says that he want s another chance to prove to me that the relationship can work.It hurts me so massively when he shuts down on me, that I am no longer feeling in love with him. I thought I was being clear to him, telling him what I needed, approaching problems in a pro-aspie manner, to support him in every way possible.I am completely empty. Kids are so far off the agenda, because I really don't feel I can trust him. He has made hollow promises to me now for over 7 years. Promising to change and me believing it. He is desperate to keep me. I am now in a foreign country, I don't speak the language, and my mental health has taken a massive hit, from him shutting down on me. I care for him deeply and worry about him, but I really don't know whether to give him 'another last chance'. He's had so many and it's really just continuing to make me ill.Any advice would be deeply appreciated. I genuinely feel that I have given everything I know and approached this problem from every angle, but it seems that if he has shut down, I just can't get through to him without threatening divorce. It's horribly painful to have to keep going through such a breakdown in the relationship. I can't make him listen or 'snap out of it' or anything.I am seriously considering just leaving him. He's had 10 years of my youth. I am now 34, I have a right to feel loved and safe in a relationship, but just can't see how I will be able to get that back, as part of me has just down now, out of sheer self protection.Thanks for taking time to read this.

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry for your pain. I understand what it feels like. I have been

married to an AS for almost three decades. We have five children. In a lot of

areas he is great - helpful and encouraging. However, when he has a meltdown

it's not fun for anyone. But, I have made the decision to stay with him.

That being said I have developed some coping mechanisms.

1) I have stopped being an enabler. I don't try to smooth things over for him

with other people anymore. I used to, but it doesn't really change anything and

it made it appear that I approved of his behavior, which I don't. If he doesn't

have friends, it's now his problem.

2) When he " loses " it, I used to jump in to try to help him to solve whatever he

was frustrated with. Now I just ignore him. Again, it's now his problem.

3) I make my own decisions based on what I think is best. I used to worry about

his reactions, I don't anymore.

4) I have my own life. I have friends and activities that are important to me.

I used to decline social invitations because he would be uncomfortable. But

now, even though I realize he is happier not participating, that doesn't mean I

can't.

I would love to say everything is wonderful. It isn't. He is still

high-maintenance. But, I am happier and don't feel quite so stuck. Also, since

I am out doing things I don't have to be around him, dealing with him nearly as

much.

I wish you the very best whatever your decision.

Ellen

>

> Hiya, well I should have seen it coming, really, being the so-say NT in the

relationship.

>

> Last year, yet again, J shut down on me. I just couldn't get through to him.

He fell into himself, and basically, last time was so horrid, that I was very

clear that I personally couldn't cope with it happening again. We went through

several months of couples counselling, with someone familiar with AS, it seemed

to hope.

>

> Then J got a job in Germany, so everything was about that. Just coping with

moving, getting there reasonably sane, I organised and coordinated everything.

I gave him straightforward tasks to involve him, and he seemd happy to have some

input at that level. We were both totally preoccupied with getting to Germany

in one piece. The reason for me taking over is because j will have meltdowns,

temper tantrums, anxiety and panic if he has to deal with this sort of thing,

and also he will just completely shut down, going through previous UK only house

moves. So I end up doing everything anyway. So I tried to involve him by

supporting me, as I was protecting him....

>

> Following on from the counselling, I had been trying to communicate with Jon

in all the ways we had aggreed were good. I kept telling him that we needed to

mutually support eachother, that I needed support, as I was taking the brunt of

everything, to protect him, that he needed to support me in small ways. He made

noises of understanding and I thought it would be ok.

>

> We got out here, and I got us registered all the civic administration,

liaising with the relocation team and so on, to get everything set up.

>

> And that is pretty much when I noticed he was shutting down on me. He started

work, and has been going out with colleagues, he has the chance to come and go

as he pleases, and I have tried to support this, so that he can adjust to this

new life. I have said that he needs to measure his social activity with the men

who have a family, and to pace himself with those, as we *were* starting to

think about trying for a baby in the next few months - to a year, as *we* had

agreed that things were looking much brighter as a couple.

>

> So roll on time, he continued to be totally closed, no smile, no eye contact,

just like a zombie. I really tried everything to keep the pressure off him, but

he just became more distant. And in every way, emotionally, intellectually and

physically. He would give me a token daily stroke,(less than our dogs were

getting). I was trying to continue protecting him, and he continued to be

totally absent. As I don't work, and I am a sociable person, I have been trying

to get some contact with the outsie world, although it's not exactly peachy. I

did sit down and try to explain to J that I was intensely lonely, very

vulnerable and sexually about to explode. But he didn't hear me at all. I

tried to do it a couple more times, and in tears. BUt he was just absent.

>

> I then lost my rag (I am sorry, I had tried everything, and nothing would get

through to him). I told him this was exactly the same as last year, when we had

very nearly divorced.

>

> My biggest problem is how to get him to listen, when he is shut down.

>

> He has massive discrepancies between his intentions and the reality that in

his head we have this peachy marriage, whereas, I try to do so much for him, to

free him up for work, and he then totally ignores me.

>

> He says he doesn't mean to do it, and he says that he wants to change. He

says that he want s another chance to prove to me that the relationship can

work.

>

> It hurts me so massively when he shuts down on me, that I am no longer feeling

in love with him. I thought I was being clear to him, telling him what I

needed, approaching problems in a pro-aspie manner, to support him in every way

possible.

>

> I am completely empty. Kids are so far off the agenda, because I really don't

feel I can trust him. He has made hollow promises to me now for over 7 years.

Promising to change and me believing it. He is desperate to keep me. I am now

in a foreign country, I don't speak the language, and my mental health has taken

a massive hit, from him shutting down on me. I care for him deeply and worry

about him, but I really don't know whether to give him 'another last chance'.

He's had so many and it's really just continuing to make me ill.

>

> Any advice would be deeply appreciated. I genuinely feel that I have given

everything I know and approached this problem from every angle, but it seems

that if he has shut down, I just can't get through to him without threatening

divorce. It's horribly painful to have to keep going through such a breakdown in

the relationship. I can't make him listen or 'snap out of it' or anything.

>

> I am seriously considering just leaving him. He's had 10 years of my youth.

I am now 34, I have a right to feel loved and safe in a relationship, but just

can't see how I will be able to get that back, as part of me has just down now,

out of sheer self protection.

>

> Thanks for taking time to read this.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky,

How are you doing today?

I responded previously to this and I really liked everyone else's comments,

especially Ellen's survival tips. I re-read your post at the end of hers

and I realized I'd missed something before that jumped out at me this time. You

said, " It hurts me so massively when he shuts down on me, that I am no longer

feeling in love with him. " The " no longer feeling in love with him " - holy cow,

that's a danger sign if only your husband realized it.

Over the years I have cautioned members that when it gets past this point, it's

going to be very hard, if not impossible to get that feeling back, and I can now

verify this from personal experience. Eventually there will come a point where

you will no longer feel angry or sad about the repeated hurt and abandonment.

It's like your brain will simply seal itself off from those pathways to hurt,

but the downside is you will no longer be open to loving and trusting, and

running the risk of getting hit with another let-down, ever again.

There is still time for you Becky, but you will need to find great fortitude,

and take significant steps NOW. I would pack my parachute if I were you, know

your legal rights, and do everything you can to show that you are *serious*

about consequences. Immediate commitment to lasting change must begin to occur

NOW if this marriage is to survive.

Often we find that behaviors we developed as children to survive are carried

over to adulthood even when they are no longer needed. Some children learned it

was very important to " stay under the radar " and keep others happy with us, or

much pain would ensue. As adults why we felt vaguely not as worthy as others,

and vaguely unreasonable when we realized we have our own needs. We somehow felt

we must keep atoning for being less than worthy human beings, and we did this

with a lifetime of servitude and self denial that often felt like punishment.

But eventually, Becky, it's impossible not to feel resentful about the one-way

outflow of all your energies, when nothing, nothing is coming back in to

replenish you. As time and health ebbs away, bitterness *will* creep in.

Eventually, like an abscess, it *will* burst and get spewed back all over the

people you felt with-held the basics of life from you. At that point, we don't

recognize ourselves any more and hate the person we have become. In the end,

being a martyr serves no one.

You know where anger gets you - it shocks momentarily but doesn't bring about

lasting change. You need to feel *you* are worth every good thing in this life,

and you need to be able to express those needs assertively.

If your partner (or any one else you interact with) repeatedly fails to live up

to expectations, then there has to be real consequences. If you don't follow

through, you may be unwittingly enabling the other person's behaviors to

continue and thwarting their progress. They need to see " cause and effect " in

order to grow and develop as a person too and I hope that in realizing that, it

will assuage your guilt over terminating your parental role in this marriage.

Sorry in advance for the typos. If I don't send this now, it won't get sent. Do

please tell us how you are feeling now. I wish you the best, Becky.

- Helen

>

> Hiya, well I should have seen it coming, really, being the so-say NT in the

relationship.

>

> Last year, yet again, J shut down on me. I just couldn't get through to him.

He fell into himself, and basically, last time was so horrid, that I was very

clear that I personally couldn't cope with it happening again. We went through

several months of couples counselling, with someone familiar with AS, it seemed

to hope.

>

> Then J got a job in Germany, so everything was about that. Just coping with

moving, getting there reasonably sane, I organised and coordinated everything.

I gave him straightforward tasks to involve him, and he seemd happy to have some

input at that level. We were both totally preoccupied with getting to Germany

in one piece. The reason for me taking over is because j will have meltdowns,

temper tantrums, anxiety and panic if he has to deal with this sort of thing,

and also he will just completely shut down, going through previous UK only house

moves. So I end up doing everything anyway. So I tried to involve him by

supporting me, as I was protecting him....

>

> Following on from the counselling, I had been trying to communicate with Jon

in all the ways we had aggreed were good. I kept telling him that we needed to

mutually support eachother, that I needed support, as I was taking the brunt of

everything, to protect him, that he needed to support me in small ways. He made

noises of understanding and I thought it would be ok.

>

> We got out here, and I got us registered all the civic administration,

liaising with the relocation team and so on, to get everything set up.

>

> And that is pretty much when I noticed he was shutting down on me. He started

work, and has been going out with colleagues, he has the chance to come and go

as he pleases, and I have tried to support this, so that he can adjust to this

new life. I have said that he needs to measure his social activity with the men

who have a family, and to pace himself with those, as we *were* starting to

think about trying for a baby in the next few months - to a year, as *we* had

agreed that things were looking much brighter as a couple.

>

> So roll on time, he continued to be totally closed, no smile, no eye contact,

just like a zombie. I really tried everything to keep the pressure off him, but

he just became more distant. And in every way, emotionally, intellectually and

physically. He would give me a token daily stroke,(less than our dogs were

getting). I was trying to continue protecting him, and he continued to be

totally absent. As I don't work, and I am a sociable person, I have been trying

to get some contact with the outsie world, although it's not exactly peachy. I

did sit down and try to explain to J that I was intensely lonely, very

vulnerable and sexually about to explode. But he didn't hear me at all. I

tried to do it a couple more times, and in tears. BUt he was just absent.

>

> I then lost my rag (I am sorry, I had tried everything, and nothing would get

through to him). I told him this was exactly the same as last year, when we had

very nearly divorced.

>

> My biggest problem is how to get him to listen, when he is shut down.

>

> He has massive discrepancies between his intentions and the reality that in

his head we have this peachy marriage, whereas, I try to do so much for him, to

free him up for work, and he then totally ignores me.

>

> He says he doesn't mean to do it, and he says that he wants to change. He

says that he want s another chance to prove to me that the relationship can

work.

>

> It hurts me so massively when he shuts down on me, that I am no longer feeling

in love with him. I thought I was being clear to him, telling him what I

needed, approaching problems in a pro-aspie manner, to support him in every way

possible.

>

> I am completely empty. Kids are so far off the agenda, because I really don't

feel I can trust him. He has made hollow promises to me now for over 7 years.

Promising to change and me believing it. He is desperate to keep me. I am now

in a foreign country, I don't speak the language, and my mental health has taken

a massive hit, from him shutting down on me. I care for him deeply and worry

about him, but I really don't know whether to give him 'another last chance'.

He's had so many and it's really just continuing to make me ill.

>

> Any advice would be deeply appreciated. I genuinely feel that I have given

everything I know and approached this problem from every angle, but it seems

that if he has shut down, I just can't get through to him without threatening

divorce. It's horribly painful to have to keep going through such a breakdown in

the relationship. I can't make him listen or 'snap out of it' or anything.

>

> I am seriously considering just leaving him. He's had 10 years of my youth.

I am now 34, I have a right to feel loved and safe in a relationship, but just

can't see how I will be able to get that back, as part of me has just down now,

out of sheer self protection.

>

> Thanks for taking time to read this.

>