RE: Chiari and Relationships

[Guest guest]

Hi Amy and the group,

I had the same issues when getting into my current relationship, which started

after I became ill. Basically we met on the internet, and at first (in emails) I

didn't mention my health. Then when it got to meeting up, I did mention that I

had health issues but left it quite vague, I said that I had a spine condition

and that I suffered from pain and fatigue etc. He was totally accepting about it

from day one and was always keen to arrange dates that I could get to very

easily and that wouldn't tire me out, and was always understanding when I

couldn't make it due to feeling ill. After a few dates when it became apparent

that we really liked each other, I told him the whole story and sent him web

links to various Chiari websites. I wondered whether it would put him off (in

fact it caused me a lot of anxiety) but it didn't, and we are still together

over a year later.

I won't pretend it has been easy all the time because it hasn't, sometimes

illness is hard to talk about and he had to accept that his life would change to

some extent - but because we want to be together we worked out any issues we

had. I had many worries at first that he would get sick of me being sick (!) but

that hasn't happened. What he says is, the state of someone's health isn't why

you're with them. You're with them because they're attractive, smart, funny and

a nice person etc, and if you truly like a person it doesn't matter if they're

ill. Say you got together with someone you really liked and then *they* came

down with an illness - would you leave?

I suppose my advice would be to be cautious at first, and then when you know the

person a bit better, tell them what's going on. There's no point keeping it

secret for long as it just causes stress. It's a good test actually - someone

who genuinely likes you will stick around, someone who's shallow will probably

leave, but then you don't want a person like that anyway! I was anxious at

first, like you, but I am getting less and less insecure about it over time as I

realise that illness really doesn't make a difference to the important things in

a relationship, such as how you feel about your partner. I would even say it's

brought us closer. All the hanging out in doctors' waiting rooms gives you a lot

of time to talk. )

We're always our own harshest judge, and sometimes it comes as a surprise when

someone really doesn't give a fig about whether you can go out clubbing or even

get out of bed for a week, and will happily make you cups of tea and watch tv

with you. But all I can say is that there are good people out there who will

like you for who you are!

Take care and good luck

Amy (UK)

Hi all,

My issue of the week is this. I'm really struggling with why someone would

ever want to be in a relationship with me because of all the health, chiari

issues. It's one thing, when you know someone prior, but when someone doesn't

know you, when is the right time to " spill the beans " and tell them. I just

feel like, what kind of a nut would want me. : ) LOL, not really though.

Any insight? I can say encouraging things to others, they just dont come that

freely to myself.

Hope your all having a good day.

Amy