Re: Re: I need help/Can I help?

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much. This has been very helpful to me. Thanks again Judy. MG

[Guest guest]

lucikasky wrote:

> I think a lot of the issue is not knowing how to talk to him or when. I have

a hard time explaining things to him. I say things that seem perfectly clear to

me, even more clear then I would ever need something explained to me and he

still either doesn't get it or " argues " with me. At least, that's how it feels

to me, is that he is arguing. He says he is just trying to understand and

that's the only way he knows how to understand, and I do believe him but it

doesn't make it feel any less like an argument to me. To me it feels like he's

trying to prove what I am saying wrong, rather than trying to understand what I

am saying. Sometimes I don't know the answers to his questions and then I feel

like I must be wrong for what I say I want, because I can't back it up with an

explanation and he wont let it go or agree with what I want until I can answer

his questions, so if I can't answer his questions, then I feel like I have no

choice but to give up on what it was that I wanted or the opinion I had about a

situation.

My Aspie sister appears to 'argue' with people too when she is merely

conversing about the weather! I think it's her facial expressions and

the intensity of her comments and questions that conveys that

impression. I know that she doesn't intend to be argumentative. She

merely has challenges with both verbal and nonverbal language pragmatics.

My late husband observed that I also have a similar tendency, although

to a far lesser degree than my sister. I agree with him. I'll also say

that it is very difficult to catch these behaviors in the moment, when

they are happening. If it was practical to navigate life while looking

at myself in a mirror at all times, the pragmatics issues might be a lot

easier to control.

I think that it's important to remain mindful of one's own reactions to

different communication styles. In the excerpt above, you speak about

how his conversational style makes you feel. As I see it, you both have

a responsibility to give each other the benefit of the doubt for good

intentions, as difficult as that may sometimes be. Especially if you

don't feel that your partner is doing the same to meet you halfway.

Unfortunately, it's all too common for the NS partner to default to

holding their AS partner responsible for their own feelings, instead of

owning that they too play a role in their own interpretations and

attitude. Generally, the lower their self-esteem, the more likely the

NS partner will feel overly criticized and victimized in these situations.

That being said, it's a delicate dance. My husband often reminded me

just how much emotional work it was to consciously parse my language

pragmatics challenges through a filter 24/7. Even when the NS partner

knows on an intellectual level that the Aspie intends no harm, a steady

diet of verbal and nonverbal language pragmatics that convey an

argumentative tone can still take an emotional toll on a relationship.

> One thing I know I do wrong is I pick at him about everything he does wrong,

about every time he forgets what I say even though he can remember every fact of

music history, and I get overly upset when he puts something away in the wrong

place even though I've explained it dozens of times before. I'm just a picky

person naturally, but I think I tend to pick at him for all the little things he

does wrong, that normally wouldn't even bother me, because I feel like I have no

say in most other important matters. When he " argues " with me like that about

everything it's like being told I am wrong or I've done something wrong and

these are often about big things, so I guess it's my way of making up for how

" wrong " I am by pointing out his faults. I know that isn't fair, and I do try

so hard not to do it but find myself doing it eventually again anyway. I'm

definitely at fault here as well as he is for our problems.

I am very pleased to see that you are able to take responsibility for

your own contributions to the problem. That shows a lot of maturity and

self-awareness. Understanding why we sometimes behave as we do is

really key to behavior modification, in my experience.

Best,

~CJ