RE: If you had known sooner, would you have left?

[Guest guest]

, I find it interesting that you would not do " this " again because you

are a social butterfly. I would describe myself that way too, and although I

did curb my social engagement in the early years of my marriage in a strange

way was attracted to me because I was so social and he really enjoyed

watching me be social. He sort of lived vicariously through me and still

does to a lesser degree. Plus all of that watching really helped him

navigate the social world to the extent that most people now have no idea

that he has anything close to Asperger's .

What was hard was communicating effectively with each other about our needs

and negotiating what worked best for us. Some things I did without him, some

he came along with my understanding that he may only be minimally involved

but as the years have gone by he bows out very rarely and he is waaaay more

involved and if the group is small enough and he feels comfortable enough he

may even chat more than I do. As opposed to hiding under a coffee table

during the first few years we were married, which I consider a huge

improvement!

Cheers,

Deb

If you had known sooner, would you have

left?

Greetings:

My response is based solely on my marriage to Larry. The question is, " If

you had known sooner, would you have left? " YES, absolutely YES! I think

he woulkd say yes too. I don't think he would have married me or anyone

else for that matter if he had known. Back then, marriage was expected and

so were difficult times.

Back in those days, AS was unheard of. We still know very little about

autism. In a nut shell, we both brought different skill sets to the table

and they were not enough to sustain the marriage. Larry continues to have

poor social and communication skills along with anger management issues. He

has a low thresh hold for frustration and anxiety. He also has low theory

of mind. He is also 11 years older than me. Plus he has no patience for

kids until they get older. That alone would of been a deal breaker, but he

said he wanted kids and then could not cope.

Looking back some of the factors that played a role were we both came from

families that had a different social economic status. We grew up in

different environments. Larry's mother was a bitter woman and it is

believed his dad and grandfather had AS and they were not nice men. They

abused their wives and it became learned behavior and passed on through the

generations as we never talkjed about it back then.

Like others, I am grateful for our children and learned along the way that I

was a co-dependent that became an enabler in my marriage to keep the peace.

I am back in school studying to be a counselor to help others. Did AS play

a role in my marriage? You would have to define AS. If anger issues, poor

social and communication skills coupled with a weak theory of mind are

co-morbid skills sometimes associated with AS, than no, AS played no part.

To me, it does not really matter as we were a bad match. I have been

divorced for over five years and now can chalk it up to a bad learning

experience. I made a bad choice and paid for it dearly. BUT then again, I

would not be where I am today if I never married Larry.

Due to economics Britt and I had to move back in with Larry. He has been

very good to us, but his behavior has not changed. Mine has and I am not

responsible for his behavior, nor do I care to try and change it. I just

ignore it and leave the room.

I would not do this again mainly because I am a social butter fly and know

many adults with AS but we live in two different worlds. It would not work

for them either and I think this is a good thing that we have so much

awareness about AS today. For others, it is a match made in heaven as we

are all different. The major problem in my marriage was that Larry could

not live in my world and I could not live in his. We all experience life

differently and this was just my experience with my marriage and not a

reflection on the community r other NT/AS couples.

The fact that Larry and I can now co-exist baffles folks and this has

nothing to do with AS. I know ex-spouses that have are still bitter where

AS was not part of the equation. At least Larry and I have moved on and

have a better sense of who we are and where we want to go in life as like

Jane Fonda has written, this is the third Act of our play at " our " age.

There have been some research projects on AS/NT relationships, but none of

the data has been released. This is just " my " personal experience.

Best.

------------------------------------

" We each have our own way of living in the world, together we

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...Sondra

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