Re: surprise response to Journal of Best Practices

[Guest guest]

Hi Ellen,I have not read the book yet, but intend to. The author and his wife were on NPR  http://www.npr.org/2012/02/03/146342668/best-practices-learning-to-live-with-aspergers ) discussing the book and themselves. It is that book that prompted me to look further into the Asperger's situation in our home. My husband and 2 sons are all affected in different ways and I am the NT.

After learning as much as I could about AS, I then hesitated to buy the book because of the very response that your husband gave you. The author, Finch,  is extremely unusual for an Aspie, in that he is willing to acknowledge his AS and try to change. My husband and many other AS are completely incapable of changing the way they are. My husband's only recognition of himself is that, as he's made his way through life, he knows he's not like other people. He has said, " I know I'm different, " but that's all. If I say anymore, he will just accuse me of not accepting him for who he is or that I don't like who he is.

I'm sorry everything went so badly for you. Books normally inform and enlighten and hopefully, make things better. But sometimes I guess they serve to wall us off further. I do think the book is worthwhile, but Finch seems to be a very different type (maybe it's his OCD that is the difference, that can be very strong or mild). As I've read before, if you've met one person with AS, you've met one person with AS. I hope this can help some to see that they can change or at least work on change.

Amy 

 

Has anyone read the new book Journal of Best Practices, written by an Aspie husband working to " adapt " for the sake of his marriage?

I heard about it and waited to get it from our library. When I brought it home, my husband (dx AS) saw it and started reading it before I did. When he finished, he suggested I read it and then we talk about it. Silly me, I thought he said that because there was something new that struck him - a reason for us to talk.

The book is all about this man's journey of writing things down to work on to make life better for his family. My husband has been adamant that he can't make any significant change, but that everyone around him needs to be very, very accomodating - not just family members (we already are although he doesn't see it) but everyone who has the wonderful fortune to interact with him. So, I wondered how he was reacting to this book.

Well, long story short - we talked about the book today. Apparently, he did get something out of it. He pointed out two major things that I am terrible at (his opinion) compared to the wife in the book. The only thing that came out that applied to him - in his view - was that he is light years ahead of the author of this book in his own behavior - (that's a good one!) (note the author is also OCD and my husband is not, and we both agree on that)

So, yes I'm still a little upset right now about the tongue lashing I got when I expected a positive " let's work together " thing instead. But, that said, I'm wondering if I'm the clueless one here. Have any of you read this - AS and NT alike, and what is your take on it?

Thanks,

Ellen

[Guest guest]

Hi Ellen,

No, you are not the clueless one!

I have not read the book myself but two NT spouses here, and Deb, have

read it with their AS spouses and gave positive feedback. I hope one or both of

them can update us on their spouses responses.

There are favourable reviews about this book all over the internet from both AS

and NT. However, there are a few comments at the Amazon books site that indicate

that for some spouses, the sort of success that Finch and his spouse achieved,

will remain illusive.

http://www.amazon.com/Journal-Best-Practices-ebook/dp/B004T4KRJM

It does sounds like your husband, though he acknowledges his AS, is in deep

denial about some of his behaviors. The ability to be self aware and commit to

change for the continued viability of the marriage is a highly individual thing,

and that is irrespective of whether they are AS or NT, isn't it?

Please know that most AS aren't like that. The majority, when they realize what

their challenges are, do their best to overcome them. This is evidenced in the

great proliferation of books and websites generated by adults on the spectrum. I

count myself as one of the mildly Aspergerish folks here. That being said, I

hope you can find some good counseling, and if he won't go, go yourself because

it must be very hard on you living with a psychologically abusive person (AS or

not!) is incapable of self reflection. I don't think there are many that could

put up with his kind of attitude for very long without experiencing very adverse

health effects themselves.

- Helen

>

> Has anyone read the new book Journal of Best Practices, written by an Aspie

husband working to " adapt " for the sake of his marriage?

>

> I heard about it and waited to get it from our library. When I brought it

home, my husband (dx AS) saw it and started reading it before I did. When he

finished, he suggested I read it and then we talk about it. Silly me, I thought

he said that because there was something new that struck him - a reason for us

to talk.

>

> The book is all about this man's journey of writing things down to work on to

make life better for his family. My husband has been adamant that he can't make

any significant change, but that everyone around him needs to be very, very

accomodating - not just family members (we already are although he doesn't see

it) but everyone who has the wonderful fortune to interact with him. So, I

wondered how he was reacting to this book.

>

> Well, long story short - we talked about the book today. Apparently, he did

get something out of it. He pointed out two major things that I am terrible at

(his opinion) compared to the wife in the book. The only thing that came out

that applied to him - in his view - was that he is light years ahead of the

author of this book in his own behavior - (that's a good one!) (note the author

is also OCD and my husband is not, and we both agree on that)

>

> So, yes I'm still a little upset right now about the tongue lashing I got when

I expected a positive " let's work together " thing instead. But, that said, I'm

wondering if I'm the clueless one here. Have any of you read this - AS and NT

alike, and what is your take on it?

>

> Thanks,

> Ellen

>

[Guest guest]

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Fri, March 23, 2012 11:09:17 AMSubject: Re: surprise response to Journal of Best Practices

Hi Ellen,

I have not read the book yet, but intend to. The author and his wife were on NPR http://www.npr.org/2012/02/03/146342668/best-practices-learning-to-live-with-aspergers ) discussing the book and themselves. It is that book that prompted me to look further into the Asperger's situation in our home. My husband and 2 sons are all affected in different ways and I am the NT.

After learning as much as I could about AS, I then hesitated to buy the book because of the very response that your husband gave you. The author, Finch, is extremely unusual for an Aspie, in that he is willing to acknowledge his AS and try to change. My husband and many other AS are completely incapable of changing the way they are. My husband's only recognition of himself is that, as he's made his way through life, he knows he's not like other people. He has said, "I know I'm different," but that's all. If I say anymore, he will just accuse me of not accepting him for who he is or that I don't like who he is.

I'm sorry everything went so badly for you. Books normally inform and enlighten and hopefully, make things better. But sometimes I guess they serve to wall us off further. I do think the book is worthwhile, but Finch seems to be a very different type (maybe it's his OCD that is the difference, that can be very strong or mild). As I've read before, if you've met one person with AS, you've met one person with AS. I hope this can help some to see that they can change or at least work on change.

Amy

Has anyone read the new book Journal of Best Practices, written by an Aspie husband working to "adapt" for the sake of his marriage?I heard about it and waited to get it from our library. When I brought it home, my husband (dx AS) saw it and started reading it before I did. When he finished, he suggested I read it and then we talk about it. Silly me, I thought he said that because there was something new that struck him - a reason for us to talk.The book is all about this man's journey of writing things down to work on to make life better for his family. My husband has been adamant that he can't make any significant change, but that everyone around him needs to be very, very accomodating - not just family members (we already are although he doesn't see it) but everyone who has the wonderful fortune to interact with him. So, I wondered how he was reacting to this book. Well, long story short - we talked about the book today.

Apparently, he did get something out of it. He pointed out two major things that I am terrible at (his opinion) compared to the wife in the book. The only thing that came out that applied to him - in his view - was that he is light years ahead of the author of this book in his own behavior - (that's a good one!) (note the author is also OCD and my husband is not, and we both agree on that)So, yes I'm still a little upset right now about the tongue lashing I got when I expected a positive "let's work together" thing instead. But, that said, I'm wondering if I'm the clueless one here. Have any of you read this - AS and NT alike, and what is your take on it?Thanks, Ellen