Re: Sexual encounters of the third kind.... :(

March 22, 2012

Men do tend to sometimes get a little mechanical about the whole process when its time for baby-making. They are willing to invest more effort in foreplay and such when things are just for fun! Hope you don't have problems conceiving, cause you both could get rather tired of the whole process if you have to do temperatures, and such to accomplish it. ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2012 11:36:42 +0000To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Sexual encounters of the third kind.... Ok, not sure if I am on my own, but I find that Jon is a little (read as very) inconsiderate in the bedroom, leaving me feeling rather more like a housekeeper come prostitute. We actually managed to 'have it off' on Monday after a long period of time with no contact. After, I took time to explain to him that as a rule, doing it at bedtime would not be ideal as I have to take medication which makes me really sleepy, so it's not the nicest experience for me.Then yesterday pm, I said to him 'I am available for having sex, you just need to let me know when you fancy it, so I can make sure I am not half way through cooking dinner and so on.'Then fast forward to bed time. I hear him splashing in the bedroom, which he doesn't normally do. Asked what he was up to, and he said he was washing his privates ready for sex. I had to turn him down as I was well on the way with my sleepy meds, and really he'd not given me any interaction, any affection whatsoever, just assumed I was permanently 'open for business'. And had conveniently forgotten everything to do with getting ready for sex that he has read, about foreplay, about hugs, all the discussions we've had about intimacy, about my fire needing fanning before sex as I am not a machine. And previous approaches he has made in the more considerate ways, I know he can do it and make it a lovely experience.I feel really deflated and disappointed. He was just lazy, and I need to broach it with him, as it means a lot to me to get this sorted, especially if we're meant to be trying for a baby in the next few months!!! I don't want it to be a mechanical experience!Any advice from anyone!?

March 22, 2012

Men do tend to sometimes get a little mechanical about the whole process when its time for baby-making. They are willing to invest more effort in foreplay and such when things are just for fun! Hope you don't have problems conceiving, cause you both could get rather tired of the whole process if you have to do temperatures, and such to accomplish it. ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2012 11:36:42 +0000To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Sexual encounters of the third kind.... Ok, not sure if I am on my own, but I find that Jon is a little (read as very) inconsiderate in the bedroom, leaving me feeling rather more like a housekeeper come prostitute. We actually managed to 'have it off' on Monday after a long period of time with no contact. After, I took time to explain to him that as a rule, doing it at bedtime would not be ideal as I have to take medication which makes me really sleepy, so it's not the nicest experience for me.Then yesterday pm, I said to him 'I am available for having sex, you just need to let me know when you fancy it, so I can make sure I am not half way through cooking dinner and so on.'Then fast forward to bed time. I hear him splashing in the bedroom, which he doesn't normally do. Asked what he was up to, and he said he was washing his privates ready for sex. I had to turn him down as I was well on the way with my sleepy meds, and really he'd not given me any interaction, any affection whatsoever, just assumed I was permanently 'open for business'. And had conveniently forgotten everything to do with getting ready for sex that he has read, about foreplay, about hugs, all the discussions we've had about intimacy, about my fire needing fanning before sex as I am not a machine. And previous approaches he has made in the more considerate ways, I know he can do it and make it a lovely experience.I feel really deflated and disappointed. He was just lazy, and I need to broach it with him, as it means a lot to me to get this sorted, especially if we're meant to be trying for a baby in the next few months!!! I don't want it to be a mechanical experience!Any advice from anyone!?

March 22, 2012

Liz I am not in a relationship at this time, but I hope to be soon. I would love those URLs that help couples explore what works for them, as I am sadly out of practice regarding sex, as my late hubby was on meds that interfere with interest and ability during the last few years of his life. So I have no confidence in my ability to resume a normal sex life. ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:47:05 -0400To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Re: Sexual encounters of the thirdkind.... I'm going to be as open as I can here -- I have a hard time talking about sex, but I do think my thoughts might be useful.Refresher: I'm Aspie, mildly, and 99.44% straight with a lower than average (I think) libido. My soon to be ex husband is also Aspie -- he's probably 60% straight, with a high libido.You can probably see the conflicts right away ... On my part, sex was fun but got boring after a few dozen repetitions of exactly the same thing. I have some major tactile sensitivities, instead of working around them to find new things, X stuck to the one method he knew worked for me. I'm very sex talk shy, and was unlikely to talk about what I wanted -- I was better at saying what I didn't want.Had X been NT, we could have made things work. We could have experimented and come up with a range of activities, and he could surprise me with new stuff. He could have worked with me on communication, too. I was always willing to try new things, unless I was positive I'd hate them. [if I know I hate tickling, don't bother trying feathers instead of fingers.]However, X is Aspie. He rigidly refused to try new things, couldn't read my body language, voice tone, or even words sometimes, and stuck to the 2-3 things that worked in the past. Just as I got bored, so did he. He had some kinks, he " knew " I'd hate them ... so he went outside the marriage. He " knew " I'd be angry if I found out, and disgusted at his kinks, so he never told me. Then he got tired of his sexless marriage, and blamed me for being frigid. A wife should adore her husband and lust after him, regardless.He never saw that his cheating lowered my desire for him. He never noticed that *I* had internal issues, he saw them all as a reaction to him. I would have been happy to explore his kinks with him (don't tickle me, but I don't mind tickling you), even to open the marriage if I could do so with full trust ... but he " knew " exactly how I would respond, and couldn't adjust his wrong reality.When I was trying to fix our marriage, before he went psycho, I found some great tools to help a couple learn what works for them. I can dig up the URLs if anyone wants ... but first you need to establish trust and open communication, both of which are large steps for Aspies.--Liz

March 22, 2012

Liz I am not in a relationship at this time, but I hope to be soon. I would love those URLs that help couples explore what works for them, as I am sadly out of practice regarding sex, as my late hubby was on meds that interfere with interest and ability during the last few years of his life. So I have no confidence in my ability to resume a normal sex life. ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2012 15:47:05 -0400To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: Re: Sexual encounters of the thirdkind.... I'm going to be as open as I can here -- I have a hard time talking about sex, but I do think my thoughts might be useful.Refresher: I'm Aspie, mildly, and 99.44% straight with a lower than average (I think) libido. My soon to be ex husband is also Aspie -- he's probably 60% straight, with a high libido.You can probably see the conflicts right away ... On my part, sex was fun but got boring after a few dozen repetitions of exactly the same thing. I have some major tactile sensitivities, instead of working around them to find new things, X stuck to the one method he knew worked for me. I'm very sex talk shy, and was unlikely to talk about what I wanted -- I was better at saying what I didn't want.Had X been NT, we could have made things work. We could have experimented and come up with a range of activities, and he could surprise me with new stuff. He could have worked with me on communication, too. I was always willing to try new things, unless I was positive I'd hate them. [if I know I hate tickling, don't bother trying feathers instead of fingers.]However, X is Aspie. He rigidly refused to try new things, couldn't read my body language, voice tone, or even words sometimes, and stuck to the 2-3 things that worked in the past. Just as I got bored, so did he. He had some kinks, he " knew " I'd hate them ... so he went outside the marriage. He " knew " I'd be angry if I found out, and disgusted at his kinks, so he never told me. Then he got tired of his sexless marriage, and blamed me for being frigid. A wife should adore her husband and lust after him, regardless.He never saw that his cheating lowered my desire for him. He never noticed that *I* had internal issues, he saw them all as a reaction to him. I would have been happy to explore his kinks with him (don't tickle me, but I don't mind tickling you), even to open the marriage if I could do so with full trust ... but he " knew " exactly how I would respond, and couldn't adjust his wrong reality.When I was trying to fix our marriage, before he went psycho, I found some great tools to help a couple learn what works for them. I can dig up the URLs if anyone wants ... but first you need to establish trust and open communication, both of which are large steps for Aspies.--Liz

March 22, 2012

> I feel really deflated and disappointed......... it means a lot to me to get

this sorted, especially if we're meant to be trying for a baby in the next few

months!!! I don't want it to be a mechanical experience!

>

> Any advice from anyone!?

Becky, Please note that what I'm going to say to you is undoubdedly

coloured by my own AS, and by my own traumatic " unhappy to be a father "

experiences in the past, but I think it needs to be said just the same.

Of course others should shoot me down if they don't agree [dons tin

hat and steel vest at this point just in case].

My advice is " don't " , and by this I mean don't try for or even take the

risk of conception, at least not while your relationship remains the

way you're describing it.

Why not?

because 1: For their own future wellbeing, children need to be

born into a happy caring broadbased loving mother and

father relationship.

because 2: In common with many other AS dads, it's unlikely that

Jon will be able to properly bond with your offspring and

fulfill the shared upbringing duties that fatherhood

normally entails.

because 3: There's a significant risk that your offspring will

inherit AS genes from its father.

I could go on.....but let me conclude now with a couple of difficult

questions:

- Do you really love this man in complete body and soul?

- Is yours the kind of all-embracing loving relationship that you

believe children should be conceived out of?

(who made some bad mistakes and got it all wrong)

(

March 22, 2012

I'm with on this one. I firmly believe that the choice to conceive

a child should be based on more than just one's own desire to procreate.

Best,

~CJ

> My advice is " don't " , and by this I mean don't try for or even take

> the risk of conception, at least not while your relationship remains

> the way you're describing it. Why not? because 1: For their own future

> wellbeing, children need to be born into a happy caring broadbased

> loving mother and father relationship. because 2: In common with many

> other AS dads, it's unlikely that Jon will be able to properly bond

> with your offspring and fulfill the shared upbringing duties that

> fatherhood normally entails. because 3: There's a significant risk

> that your offspring will inherit AS genes from its father. I could go

> on.....but let me conclude now with a couple of difficult questions: -

> Do you really love this man in complete body and soul? - Is yours the

> kind of all-embracing loving relationship that you believe children

> should be conceived out of? (who made some bad mistakes and got

> it all wrong)

March 22, 2012

I join with CJ and . Don't. At least not any time soon.

At best, an AS/NT marriage is like an inter-racial or intercultural

one. There's a LOT of context change for BOTH of you. Marriage is

*different* - quickly and profoundly different from just being buddies

in bed. I can't see that either of you is prepared for what you'll get

-- what any children will get.

This, from an AS man who *didn't* make so many mistakes; I got most of

it right, especially the 2nd-time-'round.

But I also got one divorce, a re-marriage with middle-years

*problems*, plus two children and at least one grandchild - all

virtually certainly " on the spectrum " . " Not fun " for any us during the

inevitable and prolonged " difficult " times.

- Bill ...AS, retired geneticist

CJ wrote:

>

> I'm with on this one. I firmly believe that the choice to conceive

> a child should be based on more than just one's own desire to procreate.

>

> Best,

> ~CJ

>

>> My advice is " don't " , and by this I mean don't try for or even take

>> the risk of conception, at least not while your relationship remains

>> the way you're describing it. Why not? because 1: For their own future

>> wellbeing, children need to be born into a happy caring broadbased

>> loving mother and father relationship. because 2: In common with many

>> other AS dads, it's unlikely that Jon will be able to properly bond

>> with your offspring and fulfill the shared upbringing duties that

>> fatherhood normally entails. because 3: There's a significant risk

>> that your offspring will inherit AS genes from its father. I could go

>> on.....but let me conclude now with a couple of difficult questions: -

>> Do you really love this man in complete body and soul? - Is yours the

>> kind of all-embracing loving relationship that you believe children

>> should be conceived out of? (who made some bad mistakes and got

>> it all wrong)

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

March 22, 2012

Thanks all for your comments and the helpful advice. In the past I was the one

with the higher drive and I had no issues initiating sex, but lost confidence,

as a result of being put back until all the chores were done, or being turned

down flat. It takes it's toll.

However, it doens't seem beyond the pail for me to arrange with J, that we will

have sexual encounters of some sort about 2 times per week, and I will make

moves to initiate it and guide him. Luckily, I am not too shy, so I can take

initiative, but it's a bit scary to do it, but if it's for a healthier and

happier relationship overall for both of us, it's worth it.

Thanks for giving me some really honest replies, over an awkward subject, it

does mean alot!!

Take Care,

Becky

>

> Men do tend to sometimes get a little mechanical about the whole process when

its time for baby-making. They are willing to invest more effort in foreplay and

such when things are just for fun!

>

> Hope you don't have problems conceiving, cause you both could get rather tired

of the whole process if you have to do temperatures, and such to accomplish it.

>

> ~

>

> " Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be

normal. "

> --Albert Camus

>

> Sent from my VZW BlackBerry

>

> Sexual encounters of the third kind....

>

> Ok, not sure if I am on my own, but I find that Jon is a little (read as very)

inconsiderate in the bedroom, leaving me feeling rather more like a housekeeper

come prostitute. We actually managed to 'have it off' on Monday after a long

period of time with no contact. After, I took time to explain to him that as a

rule, doing it at bedtime would not be ideal as I have to take medication which

makes me really sleepy, so it's not the nicest experience for me.

>

> Then yesterday pm, I said to him 'I am available for having sex, you just need

to let me know when you fancy it, so I can make sure I am not half way through

cooking dinner and so on.'

>

> Then fast forward to bed time. I hear him splashing in the bedroom, which he

doesn't normally do. Asked what he was up to, and he said he was washing his

privates ready for sex. I had to turn him down as I was well on the way with my

sleepy meds, and really he'd not given me any interaction, any affection

whatsoever, just assumed I was permanently 'open for business'. And had

conveniently forgotten everything to do with getting ready for sex that he has

read, about foreplay, about hugs, all the discussions we've had about intimacy,

about my fire needing fanning before sex as I am not a machine. And previous

approaches he has made in the more considerate ways, I know he can do it and

make it a lovely experience.

>

> I feel really deflated and disappointed. He was just lazy, and I need to

broach it with him, as it means a lot to me to get this sorted, especially if

we're meant to be trying for a baby in the next few months!!! I don't want it to

be a mechanical experience!

>

> Any advice from anyone!?

>

March 22, 2012

And I'll agree with and CJ.

Before conceiving, you need to be pretty sure you will have a stable

relationship for the kids' entire childhoods. You don't need a perfect marriage,

with all problems solved, but you should be fairly sure you can form a stable

family unit for 18+ years.

I guessed wrong ... my marriage lasted 15 years after the birth of our first.

[And the youngest was 10.]

I'm so glad the marriage didn't fall apart any earlier! The kids are old enough

to understand, and old enough to not need 24/7 parental care. I was thinking

seriously about divorce, but I was planning to hold off until the youngest was

in university, or at least, high school.

If you're not sure the marriage will last longer than the preschool years, you

need to plan as if you are going to be a single parent by choice.

--Liz