Re: Cassandra and Apollo (Maxine Aston) -Workshop feedback

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the wonderful comments, Becky, and congrats to Jon for his

willingness to change his own life and the dynamics in his relationship with

you.

The thing I wanted to focus on is " change. " One of my Advisory Board members

told me last night she couldn't believe how much different I am than from her

son and she couldn't understand why I seemed very evolved and he was having a

lot of issues still and nowhere as close that level. I said to her, " When you

have met someone who has AS, you have only met one person not everyone. We are

all different - our skill sets, our personalities, our experiences and

backgrounds " , etc. She has an adult son with AS, but she has had a difficult

time seeing me as AS.

Why have I become more evolved than her son? I feel it all comes down to one

thing - being and choosing to be engaged. I like to think of engagement as the

" light bulb that flips on in our heads " and tells us, " You know what, 'I think I

finally understand what so and so is'. " After I passed through the " black hole

time in my life " (2007-2009), I became more engaged in my life and began

relating to the world around me. The " light bulb turned on, " and I laugh when I

wonder why it took so long for me for me to become as engaged as I am to this

day.

The same can be said about the idea of change and the willingness to change. I

think a lot of it has to do with seeing things from different perspectives that

we would not have considered in the past. As we become engaged to see just how

our behaviors affect others, then we are more willing to create change (than

doing nothing about changing). Not just in our own lives, but in the dynamics

of the relationships we have with others.

Aspies can change. Whoever told you that Aspies can not change gave you bad

information. I am a perfect example of it of an Aspie who has changed much for

the better. If I can change, so can Aspies *and* non-Aspies. Change isn't

about what anyone lives with daily or what their struggles are in life. Change

is about making a conscious decision to become more engaged and present in one's

self and in the relationships around him/her - and then doing it. That is

change in this context ONLY. There are additional contexts for change, but that

is for other discussions.

Again, congrats to you both and for Jon for being engaged and see how his

relationship with you can improve by his conscious decision to change.

> ...

>

> I came away feeling really up beat. Jon stood out by far as an engaged and

really motivated and open minded partner who wants to *CHANGE*. I hav been told

Aspies don't change, but Jon wants to. And as long as he wants to, I am going

to support him. I have come away realising how well we are doing in our efforts

to make 'it' work. And I came away with the deepest admiration for Jon and

remembered that there's a lot about his aspiness that I love and need in my

life.

> ...

[Guest guest]

Hi

Your own reply here is very positive. Do you have any advice on how you have

managed to make the changes that you describe? I am more than willing to change

but my efforts to engage with those closest to me consistently fail and good

intentions always turn to mush. I continue to miss the blindingly obvious.

The odd thing is that outside my family, I don't do a bad job at coming across

as NS. At work I manage a large team and I am even thought of as good with

people, probably because I go out of my way to try to understand each of my team

members' perspectives. I am a walking disaster at home. My wife certainly fits

the description of Cassandra and it has been my fault over 25 years of marriage.

I do not have access to any professional help and I will get no help from my

family, who see my AS as my problem for me to fix. So I am on my own, in the

dark and searching for that light switch.

Steve

[Guest guest]

I just have to jump in here...

BassMan_720 wrote:

> Hi

>

> Your own reply here is very positive. Do you have any advice on how

> you have managed to make the changes that you describe? I am more

> than willing to change but my efforts to engage with those closest to

> me consistently fail and good intentions always turn to mush. I

> continue to miss the blindingly obvious.

There's your answer: " obvious " . Give your wife *at least* the same

considerations you give your co-workers.

Yoda: " ...There is no 'try' -- only DO! "

>

> The odd thing is that outside my family, I don't do a bad job at

Not odd at all; it's commonplace in AS/NT relationships.

> coming across as NS. At work I manage a large team and I am even

> thought of as good with people, probably because I go out of my way

> to try to understand each of my team members' perspectives.

I was in your position before retiring, exactly the same.

Then I discovered AS (formally evaluated too), saw the light, took my

own advice (above) and just changed my approach to my wife.

Our marriage *now* is a happy one, near six years on and counting.

....Importantly, my wife agrees. Our friends agree. It's true.

> I am a

> walking disaster at home. My wife certainly fits the description of

> Cassandra and it has been my fault over 25 years of marriage.

In our 45th year, we're fine now. (It CAN be done!)

>

> I do not have access to any professional help and I will get no help

> from my family, who see my AS as my problem for me to fix. So I am on

> my own, in the dark and searching for that light switch.

At root, as with *any* behavioral " problem " , the game is yours to lose.

It's your behavior which must change. ...Though - and this is key -

your spouse must be willing to recognize real change when and if it occurs.

- Bill ...AS, retired geneticist

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

> The odd thing is that outside my family, I don't do a bad job at coming across

as NS. At work I manage a large team and I am even thought of as good with

people, probably because I go out of my way to try to understand each of my team

members' perspectives. I am a walking disaster at home. My wife certainly fits

the description of Cassandra and it has been my fault over 25 years of marriage.

>

What you describe is very common. At work, you're probably on your best

behavior and more conscious about the things you say and do. [same is

true for courtship, especially early courtship.]

While at home you may stop making that effort and go into a less

conscious " automatic pilot " mode. I know that it is much easier for me

to get in trouble when I'm in this more relaxed space.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Hi CJ

Yes, I agree that this might account for some domestic issue but there is

something else that I am missing badly. I have a great tendancy of turning good

intentions to mush even where it involves special arrangements that require my

full attention. If I were to be such a failure at work, I would be out of a job

very quickly.

Best regards

Steve

> What you describe is very common. At work, you're probably on your best

behavior and more conscious about the things you say and do. [same is true for

courtship, especially early courtship.]

> While at home you may stop making that effort and go into a less conscious

" automatic pilot " mode. I know that it is much easier for me to get in trouble

when I'm in this more relaxed space.

[Guest guest]

Steve, as I see it, the primary difference between relating at work and

at home is the level of Emotional IQ required. Perhaps your level is

sufficient for the workplace, yet not quite enough to sustain your

spouse's emotional needs in an intimate relationship.

Just an idea...

Best,

~CJ

> Hi CJ

>

> Yes, I agree that this might account for some domestic issue but there is

something else that I am missing badly. I have a great tendancy of turning good

intentions to mush even where it involves special arrangements that require my

full attention. If I were to be such a failure at work, I would be out of a job

very quickly.

>

> Best regards

>

> Steve

>

[Guest guest]

CJ

You are undoubtedly right again, I wish I had a way of growing my emotional IQ.

However, I there has been no emotional or intimate relationship since

discovering about AS. Our relationship is a purely practical one at the moment.

This is not my choice. I am not permitted to try to connect emotionally.

Steve

> > Hi CJ

> >

> > Yes, I agree that this might account for some domestic issue but there is

something else that I am missing badly. I have a great tendancy of turning good

intentions to mush even where it involves special arrangements that require my

full attention. If I were to be such a failure at work, I would be out of a job

very quickly.

> >

> > Best regards

> >

> > Steve

> >

>