Re: I wish I were anybody else

August 31, 2008

Ron

I'm now caring for my Mom full time also. Please keep reaching out-

don't just hide in the apartment with your Mom. Open the drapes and

sit in a sunny spot. Read good books, exercise (keep active) do deep

breathing exercises etc. Go to your Doctor- make sure you're taking

care of yourself. There will be a day you'll look back and be glad to

know you did all you could- others will someday regret they didn't

spend the time with their Mom.

I have 1 brother who helps when he can (single parent with kids- his

wife died 5 years ago) other brothers forget it.

Keep in touch

Sharon

>

> Hi all, Please forgive me for being gone for so long and then

coming back to whine, but I really dont have alot of people in my

life that I feel like I can talk to and the ones I do are dear

friends from here that I email and talk on the phone to and well, Im

talking to you right now to.My life is changing once again

dramatically for the worse and Im trying so hard to keep my head up

this time and not lose the fight but its just so hard.The gathering

was one of the greatest weekends of my life.I will never forget

it.But literally the day after the gathering my life started changing

and I dont know how to turn it around.I was engaged to be married

last winter and had it all fall apart in may, well literally 2 days

after the gathering would have been the day we married in the

mountains.So the night I got home from the gathering my ex contacted

me and we have been comunicating every since, some of it good and

some bad but we continue to try..Before the

> gathering I was gettin alot of help and even able to work outside

the home some.But since shes back in my life my family is doing less

and less because they dont like her.The catch is, things arent

completely peaches and cream with her and I either, and the few

people I was talking to before she came into the picture have split,

so now it leaves me here with mom, noone to help give me time, Im not

working and I cant afford to pay for help, and even the places that

offer free respite are without funds so Im pretty much all alone

again in life.Ive been battling serious depression, and really am

trying to keep my head up, but sometimes I feel like Im losing this

fight.I feel so alone sometimes that I dont even feel like answering

emails, no motivation what so ever.I dont even know how to change my

situation again.I have the shittiest people in my family....I will

never forgive them for leaving all this responsibility on me.I am

sorry for not posting as

> much and emailing.I really do care about you all and feel like

were in the same boat.But I just really havent been able to get

motivated to even keep up .I love and care for you all and hope

things are going for you all, .Please bare with me and god willing I

will find my head and some answers. Ron

>

August 31, 2008

Hi Ron,

I am new to the site, but I most certainly am not new to your situation. You

have a lot on your plate. My Mom's situation happened in an instant. I said

goodbye to her one morning as she left to walk her dog. The next time I saw her

was 1 hr later in the emergency room. She had a brain stem stroke. 2/13/06

My Father died in '93, at 79, after 15 years of heart problems. He succumbed to

pneumonia a complication of lung cancer. I am the youngest of 2 girls both of

us are adopted. We are not related biologically. Whew! My sister is a wreck.

She ran away from home because of her dysfunctional relationship w/ the family

30 yrs ago. Long long story short, she hasn't seen her Mother since 2 weeks

after her stroke in 2/06. She manages a phone call on holidays and possibly a

random call when the holidays are a couple months apart. She never calls when

we are home thereby putting the responsibility on me to call her back. My only

neice (my sister has always believed you should only have one child-I didn't

want any after living w/ her) moved out here from CA to attend the University

that I work at and now lives on the northside of Chicago. Mom and I live on the

southside of Chicago. My neice has come to visit maybe 5 times since Mom came

home

from the stroke. That's my family. Point being...I'm IT. It's been this way

for so long. I am not wasting any energy trying to lead my sister down the

right path. I am trying to teach my neice, but each time she fails, I reserve

less energy for her and focus it on better things. Grow up...she has a degree

in psychology.

In the beginning, I was in shock. My Mom's care started at $100 a day for a

live-in caregiver. Luckily, I have had a partner for almost 8 yrs now. He

offered to marry me or give me money. I took the money. I wanted to literally

buy some time to calm down and THINK. Our relationship is strong but I don't

want to do anything rash. Neither of us is anxious to be married.

Since then, I have managed to get help through the Brain Injury Waiver in IL.

That worked for a while and then I switched to PLOWS, which is a county agency

through the Dept of Aging, for day care. I got all this info by googling State

of Illinois; senior citizens; dept of aging. At this point, I have gotten the

cost of day care 5 days a week for 10 hrs a day to $115 a month. I'm not sure

if that is going to stick because no one who works for the system knows the

system. I will see what happens at the end of this month which is the second.

Knowledge is power.

There is a bus that can pick my Mom up for an additional cost-not suitable for

our situation. I can use it on a day's notice if I need to. Showers can also

be given for an additional cost. A Podiatrist comes every month for an

additional cost.

I drop Mom off every morning at 7:20am and head for the train station closest to

day care. I commute to work. I am back to pick up Mom at 5:35pm. She is fed

breakfast, lunch and a snack. taken to the bathroom and provided activities.

Physical therapy is 3 times a week paid for by Medicare. What a relief!

Depression, been there done that. I didn't want to admit it though. I have

been in a fetal position under the covers in bed...many times. I suffer from

migraines, then I get depressed cuz I can't function and people are telling me I

can't handle life. Yes, I CAN if I could just get rid of the migraines. I've

been working w/ my Internist for 6 yrs on migraines. Started w/ my Mom's

Neurologist in 11/07. Anti-depressants and anti-convulsants made me nauseous,

vomit and have insomnia. Beta blockers make me too tired. Valium didn't let me

function for 5 days. Some mornings I can't even get my Mom to day care-not

pretty. I've taken Zoloft for 3 months now. The migraines still come 2 times a

month for a couple days each time, but don't seem as debilitating. My energy

level has definitely gone up.

Relationship while caregiving, been there done that. I met my Father's hospital

roommate's son while my Father was dying. I was 31, he was closer to 40. Both

of us had parents that liked to drink, very small families, siblings that we

didn't get along with and our Fathers were dying from lung cancer. His Father's

cancer had spread to his brain and I had a friend that had died 6 yrs earlier at

25 from brain cancer. He lived a good hour and a half away, but his parents

lived within a mile of my house and he worked nights within 15 miles of my house

so he did the commute alot. I have never been one for clingy relationships. A

match made in heaven! It worked for a while, but there were too many issues on

the table. It was too hard to work on healing from the loss of my superhero

Father, helping him deal w/ his Father's illness and emotional issues in the

relationship. I did return to the relationship ironically in time to help him

go

through his Father's death, which was 6 months after my Father died. I

realized it was time for me to come first, so I ended the relationship. No

regrets as we helped each other through some hard times, but it is what it is.

My partner now is dealing extremely well as he had a great relationship w/ my

Mom before all her issues. Both of his parents passed quickly. He now realizes

it would not have been good for his parents to survive and deteriorate slowly.

His patience is pushed to the limit on occasion. It is hard to deal with my Mom

and the relationship but he is not concerned. He says we are content just being

together and talking. We have made it to the comfortable stage. He wants me to

stop telling people what he does for me because people will thing he is a woos.

Two different parents, two different situations, two different men but I'm still

first. I have learned not to feel too guilty when I have a migraine and cannot

perform ADLs. I am learning to take care of me in my current situation.

Hang in there.

Kat

Caregiver to Mom, Jane, 86, brain stem stroke survivor 2/06, diagnosed w/ LBD

3/08

I wish I were anybody else

Hi all, Please forgive me for being gone for so long and then coming back to

whine, but I really dont have alot of people in my life that I feel like I can

talk to and the ones I do are dear friends from here that I email and talk on

the phone to and well, Im talking to you right now to.My life is changing once

again dramatically for the worse and Im trying so hard to keep my head up this

time and not lose the fight but its just so hard.The gathering was one of the

greatest weekends of my life.I will never forget it.But literally the day after

the gathering my life started changing and I dont know how to turn it around.I

was engaged to be married last winter and had it all fall apart in may, well

literally 2 days after the gathering would have been the day we married in the

mountains.So the night I got home from the gathering my ex contacted me and we

have been comunicating every since, some of it good and some bad but we continue

to try..Before the

gathering I was gettin alot of help and even able to work outside the home

some.But since shes back in my life my family is doing less and less because

they dont like her.The catch is, things arent completely peaches and cream with

her and I either, and the few people I was talking to before she came into the

picture have split, so now it leaves me here with mom, noone to help give me

time, Im not working and I cant afford to pay for help, and even the places that

offer free respite are without funds so Im pretty much all alone again in

life.Ive been battling serious depression, and really am trying to keep my head

up, but sometimes I feel like Im losing this fight.I feel so alone sometimes

that I dont even feel like answering emails, no motivation what so ever.I dont

even know how to change my situation again.I have the shittiest people in my

family....I will never forgive them for leaving all this responsibility on me.I

am sorry for not posting as

much and emailing.I really do care about you all and feel like were in the same

boat.But I just really havent been able to get motivated to even keep up .I love

and care for you all and hope things are going for you all, .Please bare with me

and god willing I will find my head and some answers. Ron

August 31, 2008

Hi Ron,

I am new to the group, but I can feel the pain in your words. It is

horrible to be " the one " all the time. I don't see my Mom except for

weekends, and I can only imagine what my Aunt goes through on a daily

basis.

Try to get out for a bit - try to go for some short walks by

yourself.... it does make a difference.

We are in your corner....

Helene