Smacking myself in the head....

[Guest guest]

I made the mistake today of sharing my thoughts in the presence of an

audience containing a small and highly vocal group of folks given to

high reactivity and defensiveness. In short, they have a tendency to go

all kneejerk at the slightest perception of threat or criticism.

There is only so much I can do to communicate clearly. If an individual

chooses to read a completely different message into my words, there

isn't really a whole lot I can do about that. I just wish some folks

were able to acknowledge their own triggers and minefields and own them,

instead of turning their discomfort and memories of past trauma into

verbal abuse, that's all.

The topic was Aspies and difficulty with eye contact. And how that

difficulty can create negative impressions on others. No news here, right?

Yet this topic had a twist to it. One individual came forth and

proclaimed that " It's wrong to want everyone to make eye contact, so

even if I could do it I would not " .

I smiled to myself about the absolutist tone (with respect to right and

wrong) and the militant stance of refusing to do something on

principle. I've encountered this mentality so often in the AS

community. Quite often, people who speak in this manner can be highly

reactive and hypersensitive to any perceived criticism. They can also

be very immature. I need to work harder at not engaging with such

individuals. In fact, I need to stay as far away from them as possible.

Unfortunately, I love a good conversation that explores the pros and

cons of a position, and that's where I made my critical error in judgment.

My contribution to the conversation shared that I preferred to make an

effort to conform to most social norms whenever possible, for in my

experience the rewards of doing so far outweigh the effort invested.

For me, the consequences of swimming upstream against the tide did not

get me what I wanted in life.

Now, I realize that some AS folks must make more effort than others to

navigate the world, make friends, get and keep a job, etc. However,

those aren't the people to whom I am referring.

I solely focused on the wisdom of militantly disrespecting a social norm

merely because one regards it as stupid. Especially when they don't

care for the inevitable consequences of their refusal to " go along to

get along " .

I summed up my comments with the observation that, regardless of

neurotype, everyone (NTs included) are expected to make some effort to

conform to rules and customs that they dislike. It's just a part of

learning to live in the world with other people.

Talk about the proverbial $#!t hitting the fan. Somewhere in my message

I managed to inspire a number of folks to get their britches in a huge

bunch, sending them off onto a series of rants about my so-called

sheep-like conformance to the herd mentality. I was referred to as

" intolerant of Aspies " , " ignorant " , " prejudiced " , and advocating " fake

impressions " over " being real " . One individual even made a reference to

Parks, and how the civil rights movement might never have occurred

had everyone in the world been a slave to conformity like me.

What made me particularly sad was the individual who challenged my AS

diagnosis as being 'real'. In my experience with support groups of all

kinds, one just does not challenge or even speculate on the validity of

another person's diagnosis. It's a real no-no, as one can never know

the path that another person has walked, especially since AS manifests

in so many ways. No two of us Aspie snowflakes are alike, as

often says.

My take on all this vitriol is that it may serve as a defense mechanism

for those who have experienced a great deal of rejection in life due to

the way their AS presents. In a sense, having contempt for the NT world

(and by extension, anyone who is perceived to support it) may serve to

balance the pain of rejection by propping up a wounded self-image with a

false sense of superiority.

Of course, not everyone who has experienced the pain of rejection will

process their experiences in such a way. I have known many Aspies who

are among the most gracious, even-tempered, and self-accountable people

one could ever hope to meet, despite their experiences with adversity in

life.

Unfortunately, it's the noisy reactive few who have made me very

cautious about engaging on the internet, as I never know when their

knees are about to jerk and they might become verbally abusive. I often

make the mistake of assuming that if I approach others in a calm,

rational manner, they will do the same for me. Usually this works, but

not always. When it doesn't work, I am often left wondering how some

people manage to hold onto their friendships and jobs, if this is their

preferred method of communication when presented with worldviews unlike

their own.

In all fairness, this unpleasant experience was balanced by the kind

support I received from the mods and some of the members. Nonetheless, I

am considering limiting my future contributions to 'fluffy' topics, at

least until the community has fewer " loose cannons " among its active

participants. It's not a particularly active community anyway, so

sometimes there is little else to balance the sound of heavy artillery.

Best,

~CJ

[Guest guest]

Well, CJ....

Volumes abound on the topic of knowing more about your audience (in advance). Better luck next time.

N. Meyer

Who's done "controversy" but with an audience halfway around the world when I went to Australia on a ten day lecture tour and could count on "great distance" to separate me from those I might have offended, dolloped off with a heaping helping of the audience knowing I was from the West Coast of the US -- sometimes perceived as a blessing and a good excuse "in disguise."

N. Meyer

Smacking myself in the head.... > > >I made the mistake today of sharing my thoughts in the presence of an >audience containing a small and highly vocal group of folks given to >high reactivity and defensiveness. In short, they have a tendency to go >all kneejerk at the slightest perception of threat or criticism.

[Guest guest]

Live and learn... live and learn..

>

>

> I made the mistake today of sharing my thoughts in the presence of an

> audience containing a small and highly vocal group of folks given to

> high reactivity and defensiveness. In short, they have a tendency to go

> all kneejerk at the slightest perception of threat or criticism.