Re: We separated

[Guest guest]

Hi Sandy, before I replied I wanted to go back through the archives to refresh

my memory of your earlier posts. I felt sad when I read this. You were very

patient with your husband, you worked really hard at accommodating, you tried to

be assertive and yet at the same time you chose your battles carefully. The tone

of your posts was optimistic and you were supportive of both AS and NT members.

What your STBX did was very aggressive, and totally disregarding of your health

and wellbeing. The way the whole denouement played out must have been shocking

for you, you could probably hardly believe he was being like that. I'm with

Jennie, there was a lot more going on there than just AS.

I would not ponder too much what he's thinking right now. The time for that is

past. It is very important for you to protect YOUR assets and focus on YOUR

future. You have a right to equal division of the property and if you gave up

your career to raise children you have a right to be supported.

Your soon to be ex was given a long time to think about actions and

consequences, but in the end, it seems he learned little after all this time.

Unfortunately human nature is such that folks often slip back into their old

ways when the pressure is off. Something as fundamental as another person's

physical comfort totally eluded him right up to the bitter end. That says much.

I tend to go with narcissistic.

What he is thinking will probably always remain unknowable. And maybe if you

really knew, you would wish you didn't.

After the initial lightening of the load that you are feeling now, you will go

through all kinds of feelings and stages for a long time to come, probably

years. Know that you are a valued member here and I hope that you always feel

supported here.

cyber hugs,

Helen

>

> Well, I thought I was going to stay with my AS husband for life. But we

separated on June 29. Our anniversary was Sunday, July 1, for 33 years of

marriage. I have already filed for divorce. As usual, I am confused about how he

is feeling.

<snipped>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you to all of your support from this group! I can't tell you how much

appreciate it--especially coming from people who are very familiar with these

types of issues. It is an interesting suggestion that he might also have a

narcissistic disorder. It is hard for me to figure out what is what, but it is

nice to be reminded that I need to go forward with my life.

Sandy

[Guest guest]

Hi Sandy,

Thank you for checking in. I was thinking about you and I resolved before I went

to bed I would ask you how you are doing.

I know that right now you must be in shock. This isn't the way you had imagined

mid-life would be. You thought you had worked things through and the hardest

part was behind you. Well it will be, but it will be different from what you

imagined it would be. And it will be better if you continue to believe and trust

in yourself.

I thought a bit more about when you said you wondered what he was thinking right

now(and I said basically don't ask..) Well, it's probably something to the

effect of " I can't believe she is divorcing me over an air conditioner! " Not

considering for a moment his near violent behavior in his determination to

enforce his will or the cumulative effect of what I am *sure* were numerous

incidents in a similar vein in the past where it didn't escalate because you

acquiesced right away. This time you did something different, and you got the

response that you have probably subconsciously been avoiding for decades. He is

incapable of " getting it " and never will and so it came down to a choice of, do

you continue to live with this kind of bullying or do you reclaim some self

determination and quality of life?

When he said he hopes things won't be nasty, he's probably more worried about

monetary fall out. I can't believe he would change the locks, my God, you were

married to him for 33 years. That is YOUR house too, I'd be returning with the

cops and throwing his *$$ out the door instead but, you have to do what you feel

is right for you.

One of the most difficult things for you will be trying to process where you

really figured in his life after this shocking denouement, after all the years

you gave to him. I would try not to think about it too much as that is the path

to bitterness. Use the energy you have right now to keep moving forward before

the shock wears off, and do be sure to get good ongoing support (hopefully good

professional support too) that you can maintain over a long period of time as

eventually, grief may settle in. Continue moving forward and get 'er done and

keep the wolves of sadness at bay. Celebrate the good things and create new

memories for yourself to celebrate.

cyber hugs,

Helen

>

> Thank you to all of your support from this group! I can't tell you how much

appreciate it--especially coming from people who are very familiar with these

types of issues. It is an interesting suggestion that he might also have a

narcissistic disorder. It is hard for me to figure out what is what, but it is

nice to be reminded that I need to go forward with my life.

>

> Sandy

>