Re: Post Divorce - point me in the right direction

[Guest guest]

Stuff happens. Glad you were not going in for an interview LOL.

>

> My apologies. Apparently I did not spell check this 0:(((((

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>

>

>

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> Who needs to slow down and smell the roses!

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Your story sounds quite painful. I'm sorry that you went through this! It's

possible that you may need to find a different therapist - if not one who is

versed in " AS gone bad " in relationships, at least one who understands PTSD. Its

effects are very subtle and many therapists don't " get " that, never mind

Cassandra Affective Disorder (which is NOT an official dx.)

If you are able to access the archives of this discussion group using the

keywords " Cassandra " or " Affective Deprivation Disorder " or " CADD " you will find

some discussions here on it.

Now, the reason why I mention PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is that some

members here (myself included) acknowledge that having this in our family of

origin background also affected our choices in how we dealt with behaviors too.

AS or no AS, some things are just not acceptable but something in our

backgrounds may have primed us to tolerate the intolerable for way, way too

long, and in failing to stop the unacceptable behaviors (though we tried, just

not effectively) we unknowingly " enabled " those behaviors to continue.

Many children dealing with PTSD adapt by making everyone happy, and making

everyone happy with them. That way (they hope) they can lessen the psychological

and physical abuse. That behavior is carried over into adulthood in very subtle

ways, in *all* their interactions with others. They don't have firm boundaries

like most people, so theirs are violated constantly. Just some food for thought.

I do want you to know that most AS adults (which comprise half the membership

here, and many post frequently) aren't dysfunctional to the extent of some of

the stories that we read from spouses here. Which is not to say AS can't behave

badly - of course they can, just like non spectrum folks can.

I believe that the vast majority of AS are undiagnosed, and are living normal

healthy lives. 'Course, most would never find their way to a group like this

unless confronted with challenges that they need to explore, so that population,

just like the non spectrum population that have minimal challenges, are not

represented here. We, AS and NS, are here, together, to learn from one another.

We may not always agree, but together we make a difference

Still, due to the differences in brain wiring, hurt is processed slightly

differently by AS or non spectrum folks, and when there is historical

dysfunction, AS in the mix on top of that is an added layer of complication. So

it's definitely still worthwhile to explore the dynamic of AS in your failed

marriage.

You may also realize as time goes by that there may be some AS in your

background too, perhaps a parent, sibling or relative. Depending on how much

influence they had in your life, some of those differences and mal-adaptive

behaviors may have become normalized for you. Therefore, unfortunately, it was

not possible for you to draw the line between what is acceptable and what can

never be tolerated regardless of the person's brain wiring. I could be off the

mark here but just throwing that out for some consideration too.

Here are some " must read " books for you:

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to an Intimate Relationship with a

Partner who has Asperger Syndrome

Maxine Aston

http://www.amazon.com/The-Other-Half-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1931282048

Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs

Maxine Aston

http://www.amazon.com/Aspergers-Love-Couple-Relationships-Affairs/dp/1843101157

Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships

Sanford

http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843\

107341/ref=pd_sim_b_1/191-8803852-6682814

The Partner's Guide to Asperger Syndrome

Moreno, Marci Wheeler, Kealah Parkinson

http://www.amazon.com/The-Partners-Guide-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1849058784

Life with a Partner or Spouse with Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge?:

Practical Steps to Saving You and Your Relationship

Kathy J. Marshack

http://www.amazon.ca/Life-Partner-Spouse-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/193457547X

And an " oldie but goodie " on 's ASPIRES website, written by Meyer

with collaboration from Newland and some other ASPIRES members, past and

present:

http://www.aspires-relationships.com/as_grows_up.htm

best regards,

Helen

>

> I was married for 25 yrs to me ex who the Psych said had Aspie like symptoms

and also an Auditory Processing Disorder. He was very badly abused physically

and emotionally in his family of origin which made an accurate diagnosis

difficult. I am seeing a Psychiatrist for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and she

is focusing on my failure to set boundaries as the root of the issue. I tend to

agree however struggle to give her a sense of life with an Aspie. She has no

first hand exposure. An English Psychologist by the name of Maxine... used to

have an excellent article on her website describing what she called Cassandra

Syndrome. That article really captured my personal experience. It is no longer

on her website and has been replaced by a workshop on the subject. Does anyone

have a copy or could you point me to something similar? Im really discouraged by

thr Psychiatrists lack of understanding and so desperately want to work with her

to be able to heal and move on.

> Thanks!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Helen, thanks for your thorough and insightful reply. I think you have hit the

nail on the head in terms of my own family of origin and resulting inability to

set boundaries. The psychiatrist made the same comment when she dug for insight

into my history with my Dad. She feels she can't work with me and the PTSD until

I process the grief tied into years of my life being " wasted " . That grief will

then give we freedom to move on to the next steps.

How complex the emotional weave is.

> >

> > I was married for 25 yrs to me ex who the Psych said had Aspie like symptoms

and also an Auditory Processing Disorder. He was very badly abused physically

and emotionally in his family of origin which made an accurate diagnosis

difficult. I am seeing a Psychiatrist for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and she

is focusing on my failure to set boundaries as the root of the issue. I tend to

agree however struggle to give her a sense of life with an Aspie. She has no

first hand exposure. An English Psychologist by the name of Maxine... used to

have an excellent article on her website describing what she called Cassandra

Syndrome. That article really captured my personal experience. It is no longer

on her website and has been replaced by a workshop on the subject. Does anyone

have a copy or could you point me to something similar? Im really discouraged by

thr Psychiatrists lack of understanding and so desperately want to work with her

to be able to heal and move on.

> > Thanks!

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks it was Maxine Aston who was the author. I appreciate the info you

included with your post.

>

>

> Hi :

>

> Do U remember what this article addressecd that her others online did not? It

is very possible we have it in our archives or I hold it privately. Helen or

others?

>

>

>

> There was a flurry of articles years ago that became controversy to many in

our community that felt having AS in itself did not affect relationships or

parenting skills. Maybe the argument should have been framed differently? We now

know that issues like culture, social economic status, religion and past

experiences (how we are raised) are just a few things that influence are lives

that bleed over into our relationship ships, parenting and every part of our

lives. How could AS NOT affect those with it in terms of relationships or

parenting, work related events or just being? We are all unique and a sum of a

zillion different things.

>

>

>

> I just reviewed a great film for one of my classes. The film is titled; I AM

by Tom Shadyac who directed films like Ace Ventura, Bruce Almighty & the Nutty

Professor. He was injured in a bicycle accident and suffered from depression

and suicide. When he healed, he set out on a journey. He had two questions:

what's wrong with our world, and what can we do to make it better? It is a

fascinating film. . Some excerpts:

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>

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> Ironically, in the process of trying to figure out what's wrong with the

world, Shadyac discovered there's more right than he ever imagined. He learned

that the heart, not the brain, may be man's primary organ of intelligence, and

that human consciousness and emotions can actually affect the physical world, a

point Shadyac makes with great humor by demonstrating the impact of his feelings

on a bowl of yogurt. And, as Shadyac's own story illustrates, money is not a

pathway to happiness. In fact, he even learns that in some native cultures,

gross materialism is equated with insanity.

>

>

>

> Shadyac also discovers that, contrary to conventional thinking, cooperation

and not competition, may be nature's most fundamental operating principle. Thus,

I AM shows consensus decision-making is the norm amongst many species, from

insects and birds to deer and primates. The film further discovers that humans

actually function better and remain healthier when expressing positive emotions,

such as love, care, compassion, and gratitude, versus their negative

counterparts, anxiety, frustration, anger and fear. Darwin may be best

known for popularizing the notion that nature is red in tooth and claw, but, as

Shadyac points out, he used the word love 95 times in The Descent of Man, while

his most famous phrase,survival of the fittest, appears only twice.

>

>

>

> Sorry to get off topic. Here are some links to articles on Cassandra and

WELCOME to ASPIRES!

>

>

> Affective Deprivation Disorder

> http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/cassandra

>

> Representing Cassandra in Matrimonial Law: Asperger's Syndrome in Separation

and Divorce

> http://centralvalley.ca.networkofcare.org/dd/library/article.aspx?id=956

>

> Growing up in an Asperger Family by Maxine Aston

> Article first published in Counselling Children and Young People Summer 2005

> http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/published/Asperger_Family.shtml

>

> Cassandra

Syndrome<http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/My-Spouse-Or-Partner-Has-Asper\

gers-Syndrome/1668715>

>

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/My-Spouse-Or-Partner-Has-Aspergers-Synd\

rome/1668715

>

> Best.

>

>

>

>

>

> Maxine... used to have an excellent article on her website describing what she

called Cassandra Syndrome. That article really captured my personal experience.

It is no longer on her website and has been replaced by a workshop on the

subject. Does anyone have a copy or could you point me to something similar? Im

really discouraged by thr Psychiatrists lack of understanding and so desperately

want to work with her to be able to heal and move on.

> Thanks!

>

>

[Guest guest]

Judy

Thanks for the info and encouragement.

>

> Hello

> I am sure that Helen or will direct you to some of the archive material

on Cassandra complex, and it is Maxine Aston who you were thinking of?

>  The description of the complex is: 'The Cassandra metaphor is applied by some

psychologists to individuals who experience physical and emotional suffering as

a result of distressing personal perceptions, and who are disbelieved when they

attempt to share the cause of their suffering with others'.  In other words, not

being taken seriously, or considered to be at odds with a situation?

> However, personally, I believe that althougth the Cassandra explanation does

in some ways, help to describe someone who finds themselves subsumed for the

sake of another (AS being one of the 'sakes', where emotional currency may be

diminished) it might be also productive to look at books about Aspergers' and

this will help your practitioner to understand your standpoint?

>  

> I found Tony Attwood's The Complete Asperger to be invaluable, as it covered

the viewpoint of the AS person, and also what the AS should consider in regard

to Neurotypical relationships. From that angle, the book shows how different

each type is, and that helped me to understand my feelings and helped me battle

'Cassandra' tendencies.

>  

> I hope you have a good recovery, and that you will soon feel at ease with

everything.

>  

> Best wishes

>  

> Judy B, Scotland

>  

>  

>  

>  

>

>

> To: aspires-relationships

> Sent: Tuesday, 3 July 2012, 11:16

> Subject: Post Divorce - point me in the right

direction

>

> I was married for 25 yrs to me ex who the Psych said had Aspie like symptoms

and also an Auditory Processing Disorder. He was very badly abused physically

and emotionally in his family of origin which made an accurate diagnosis

difficult. I am seeing a Psychiatrist for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and she

is focusing on my failure to set boundaries as the root of the issue. I tend to

agree however struggle to give her a sense of life with an Aspie. She has no

first hand exposure. An English Psychologist by the name of Maxine... used to

have an excellent article on her website describing what she called Cassandra

Syndrome. That article really captured my personal experience. It is no longer

on her website and has been replaced by a workshop on the subject. Does anyone

have a copy or could you point me to something similar? Im really discouraged by

thr Psychiatrists lack of understanding and so desperately want to work with her

to be able to heal and

> move on.

> Thanks!

>

>

>

>

> ------------------------------------

>

>             " We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are

like a symphony.

> Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony

> It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.

> We all contribute to the song of life. "

>                       ...Sondra

>

> We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.

>

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