Re: CJ: Context

[Guest guest]

> CJ, fortunately there were family and friends who, after hearing about what

happened to my garden, called me, some offered help, and one overseas friend

called me quite late for where he lives.

I'm glad. Having people who " get it " can really minimize the impact of

insensitive comments from others who don't.

> I wasn't and am not angry with her, but I felt very drained (as opposed to

buoyed) after that conversation, which had promptly reverted back to her

problems. That's when I started realizing I need to put strict limits on the

amount of time she takes from me.

>

> Over time, the exchanges have diminished to almost none. I honestly can't

think of a single thing I would want to tell her. This is the way some

relationships die, when all the emotional capital is exhausted but one party

misses the signs.

Well expressed, Helen. That does seem to be how the process works.

> There certainly is a small window of opportunity that must be seized upon to

repair a conversation - and quite possibly a relationship - before the other

party makes a decision to end their investment in that relationship and " move

on. "

I agree that the window of opportunity is a very small one.

> As you allude to below, when you hit a point where your time and energy is

more limited, you have to take stock of what needs your attention the most. You

have to take care of yourself so that there is some " you " left give to others.

It feels sad, but sometimes you may have to dump some ballast just so you can

stay afloat.

I've had a really hard time communicating this concept to some Aspies.

They seem to be so caught up in their sense of justice at having been

'unfairly' rejected because of their social deficits, that they cannot

identify with the experience of the person who finds it necessary to do

the rejecting.

Funny thing is, these same Aspies dump plenty of human ballast of their

own once they become emotionally overwhelmed by contact with certain

individuals. They see it as necessary for their own well-being, and

don't always understand that others might feel the same way (about them).

Ah, some people just really hate me because I have a way of noticing

these inconsistencies. lol

> YIKES!!! I'm sure you were absolutely mortified! Nothing wrong with

> the VW Jetta by the way. It's still a good car I remember of some

> of my own classic " AS moments " when I was a teenager. Sometimes

> someone would gently point my error out to me and I would be mortified

> by my sin, but sometimes they didn't, they just drifted away, and it

> took me decades before I had a cringe-worthy epiphany.

Not really mortified, as I expect my sister to say wierd $#!t like

this. My challenge lies in not rolling my eyes and making some sort of

wisecrack in her direction.

I too have had my " AS moments " , and agree that most people are not

inclined to point out such errors. It's just too uncomfortable (for

them) and doing so could possibly risk a confrontation in which they are

not prepared to invest their energy.

I can't say that I blame them, as people who behave in socially clueless

ways can be equally clueless when their social faux pas are pointed out

to them, even with kindness. It's one of those situations where " no

good deed goes unpunished " , so most people take the path of caution

instead. As much as I would prefer to know when I have offended, I

really do understand why it's the rare person who is willing to take

such a risk.

> Possibly he numbed himself out (and maybe continues to do so) to such

> things. I did too .. but then I reached a saturation point.

I agree, Helen. For the sake of domestic harmony, sometimes it's just

easier to go along to get along.

>> Fortunately, I had already warned my husband in advance about my sister's

tendency to blurt out socially inappropriate comments. Thus, he just thought

the whole incident was funny, in an awkward sort of way.

> Funny, and oh so familiar. It would be even funnier if I didn't know how

ultimately sensitive your ex would turn out to be. It is good that at that time,

he wasn't as ill yet.

My husband was still 15 years away from getting sick and being diagnosed

when this incident occurred.

I don't think my sister's behavior would have adversely impacted him all

that much though, as my husband's paranoia and hypersensitivity seemed

to be focused on the people in which he had the most invested (e.g.,

spouse, mistress, boss). My sister was a near stranger to him, unlikely

to trigger his sensitivities.

Best,

~CJ