Re: 5 months Pregnant ADHD/NT Wife with AS Husband

[Guest guest]

,

This isn't a direct answer since I don't have " the experience, " but thought it

might of interest to you and others on the discussion list. The Brits have made

a serial for television simply entitled " Doc " which portrays various life

scenarios involving an obviously AS NHS medical doctor in a small coastal

village in the UK. There are a number of episodes that depict him relating to

the mother of his unborn child, and the series is now " going through " its weekly

episodes depicting his life post-birth. Clunes is simply brilliant in the

role, and the supporting cast is terrific.

I figured it might be worthwhile to at least encourage folks to watch this

series, which is both funny and heartfeltidly accurate on many accounts, but as

with any other viewer's reaction to fictional depictions of AS, " your mileage

may vary. " I don't think there's a formulary approach to the issue, and I'm

almost sure everyone with an AS husband and kids in a still-intact marriage has

a different " take " on the situation. As far as I know, nothing's yet be written

between the covers of a hardcover or softcover book, although one would think

that by now, there's enough life experience and clinical experience that a good

author should be able to tackle the topic with a good amount of sensitivity.

There's a " basic " Wikipedia article on the series...with most of the writing of

interest to British series buffs, but there should be links to the US

distributor of the series and further information available from your local

public television outlet about whether it's available in your area. There are

complete DVD sets available for past series...but I don't know how " current "

they are, nor do I know what series has been airing locally here in Portland,

OR.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doc_

N. Meyer

5 months Pregnant ADHD/NT Wife with AS Husband

>

>Hello all!

>

>I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions, reactions,

and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant, and during birth and

bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I would love to hear your stories. My

husband was just diagnosed and we are only beginning to learn how to get along

now that we know what's going on. What are some ideas about how to get him to

bond more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of what I'm going

through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?

>

>Any feedback would be so incredibly appreciated!

>

>Thank you in advance!

>

>

>

>

>------------------------------------

>

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> ...Sondra

>

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[Guest guest]

> I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions, reactions,

and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant, and during birth and

bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I would love to hear your stories. My

husband was just diagnosed and we are only beginning to learn how to get along

now that we know what's going on. What are some ideas about how to get him to

bond more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of what I'm going

through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?

I'd love to hear from the AS dads on this …

As an AS mom (and ex wife of an AS dad), I was concerned about bonding myself.

[i didn't know about my AS until my oldest was 3.] I'm still not sure I ever

experienced the " magical, mystical bonding experience " that is written about.

But I love my kids deeply and, though I may not give my life for them, I will do

a lot for them. I believe the actual " bonding " isn't necessary if the love and

care are present.

My ex also did fine with the kids as babies, and was understanding during my

pregnancy. He was far better the first time around; during the second he was in

a clinical depression and was supportive, but with some odd quirks. The thing he

has the most trouble with (and many NT parents have the same trouble) is

understanding that the kids mature and need different parenting as they grow.

What helped my ex:

- our eldest was an infertility baby. We both worked hard to get me pregnant

(and spent a lot of money), so he felt a lot of investment in the pregnancy.

- Right from the start, I was affected physically, I needed injections my first

trimester, he gave them to me. He say me get sick, he saw me taking naps, he saw

me get huge. He came to the ultrasound and amnio. Again, more investment.

- He was present at both births (c-sctions). Because of the sections, I

*needed* him to do some baby care. Eldest was very high need, she forced us both

to be involved. Youngest needed surgery at 7 weeks. Lots and lots more

investment.

However, before Youngest's need for surgery was determined, he blamed me for not

feeding the baby right, and later he got mad at me and decided to stop helping

with diapers to punish me, so it was far from perfect. And as the kids got

older, his personal problems increased and parenting ability decreased.

I think the main thing is to make the AS father be highly invested in the entire

pregnancy. If he'll read books on pregnancy, have him do so. Have him go to

appointments. Let him listen to your belly. Have him participate as much as

possible in the birth.

And expect that he'll have some trouble … becoming a parent really does change

one's life, and many Aspies have trouble with major life changes.

--Liz

[Guest guest]

Hi , This is a topic I know personally so well, I am NT and husband is AS I have two sons diagnosed AS one is now 11 & the other is 10, with each pregnancy my husband left me and when I say left I mean I woke up and he was gone and I was on my own for the whole time ( he told me to terminate each pregnancy also ) i remember being told woth number 4 who is our 1 yr old daughter he told me to ( just kill the germ ) four children later an same cycle each time , he came back just as baby was due he was there for the deliveries ( I thought he would be so excited Especially when our first was born a son ) but nothing , it was like a daily thing nothing special just something that happened , it hurt me alot cause I was over joyed and he was non• cha•lant about It all.I thought 3 boys later that when I found out I was having a girl thing may change but no nothing did :(I don't doubt he may love his children, but if I wanted a family and children with him I had learnt I would be on my own during the pregnancies and once they came home I would be very alone doing everything required for this baby and each time I was just that ( very alone ) but very in love with my babies . Now 15 years later and I have made a decision to leave him as I hate the feeling of having someone here but only in body not in any other way , not emotionally there not financially there it's been a long road trying to make this work but the loneliness and the ability to know he left me to do it all on my own has made me strong enough to say I have to leave an I can do this cause I was anyway !I hope your experience is very different but mine four times was very lonely xxxxfrom my iPhone

Hello all!

I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions, reactions, and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant, and during birth and bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I would love to hear your stories. My husband was just diagnosed and we are only beginning to learn how to get along now that we know what's going on. What are some ideas about how to get him to bond more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of what I'm going through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?

Any feedback would be so incredibly appreciated!

Thank you in advance!

[Guest guest]

Liz Cademy wrote:

>

>

>> I was just wondering what your experiences were with the actions,

>> reactions, and behaviors of your AS man while you were pregnant,

>> and during birth and bringing the baby home. Any advice??? I

>> would love to hear your stories. My husband was just diagnosed and

>> we are only beginning to learn how to get along now that we know

>> what's going on. What are some ideas about how to get him to bond

>> more with the idea of the baby and to be more supportive of what

>> I'm going through emotionally, hormonally, and physically?

>

> I'd love to hear from the AS dads on this …

OK, a few brief comments...

>

> As an AS mom (and ex wife of an AS dad), I was concerned about

> bonding myself. [i didn't know about my AS until my oldest was 3.]

> I'm still not sure I ever experienced the " magical, mystical bonding

> experience " that is written about.

I'm pretty sure I did *not* " experience the... " . More's the pity; I

envy those who do/did.

> But I love my kids deeply and,

> though I may not give my life for them, I will do a lot for them. I

My sentiments " to a T " . There *is* a deep love I feel for all three.

Curiously, maybe, my feelings for each are lesser according to their

birth order. I know that for sure, enough that I've bent over backward

to *not* have *them* know it. Maybe I succeeded.

> believe the actual " bonding " isn't necessary if the love and care are

> present.

[ snip ]

As to what my then wife experienced: I was as proud of my kids, and of

my wife, as any man ever could be. I worked hard to be a good provider,

a support *and help-meet* for my wife. ...All the " right " things. But

I didn't do a very good job of showing it, I guess, as we divorced

before ten years passed.

All that well before AS was " known " in the USA.

On the other hand, I learned from the experience. Enough that my

current marriage, 45 years now, can be called a success.

- Bill ...AS, retired geneticist

--

WD " Bill " Loughman - Berkeley, California USA

http://home.earthlink.net/~wdloughman/wdl.htm

[Guest guest]

<< But I didn't do a very good job of showing it, I guess, as we

divorced before ten years passed. All that well before AS was " known " in

the USA. On the other hand, I learned from the experience. >>

My situation was much the same, Bill. In those days, I didn't really

have an appreciation for the fact that my husband could not read my

intentions. I just wasn't very good at showing my love and care for

him, being as overwhelmed as I was with my (then undiagnosed) AS and OCD.

Best,

~CJ