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08-08-08

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And it's my mom's 80th birthday.

It should be a joyful occasion. Our family is so close-knit, and

we've always celebrated birthdays and anniversaries and everything

you can think of with huge family parties.

But this year...this year it's different. I've talked with Mom

several times today, and she doesn't have any comprehension of this

being her birthday. I feel that there won't be another birthday

celebration for Mom. I don't know that we'll have another Christmas

together...even Thanksgiving.

I've always loved shopping for gifts. This year, though, her

birthday gifts are housecoats and gowns. She never dresses any

more. She will occasionally get up and sit in her recliner, but it's

so dangerous to let her do so because she forgets she can't walk.

Hospice has told us that one more fall and they will have to report

it and if that happens, the state will come in and require that she

be placed in a nursing facility. Her need for care is so great for

even the simplest of things...she will not get what she needs in a

nursing home and it will only hasten her death.

Her conversations are so limited...she asks if I'm going to get their

groceries for the week. And then minutes after I bring them in, she

asks if I'm going to get their groceries. And 10 minutes after I get

home she calls to see if I'm going to get their groceries. That's

the only conversation I have with her any more.

My daughter and her husband have been together for almost 11 years,

and Mom doesn't remember his name. Now, if he walked into the house,

she would call him by name, but putting him and my daughter together

as husband and wife is beyond her capabilities. She remembers names

and faces, but connections are lost. She remembers my name, but she

doesn't remember who I am to her. I think she sees me as the person

who gets their groceries for them.

Anyway, it's a sad kind of night, and I'm grieving big time for my

Mom. There's joy that she's reached her 80th birthday, and sorrow

that she had to reach it in this condition. Damn this disease.

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