CJ: Context

[Guest guest]

(was: re. Context Bill & CJ..)

Hi CJ,

I started responding to this last night, but it got too late, so .. replying now

-- In aspires-relationships , CJ wrote:

>

> > <snipped> after an elderly neighbor and my husband helped me to pull up the

shredded garden, fill a pick-up truck with a cap on it to full capacity, and

haul it away to the compost depot, she said, " are you over your garden yet? "

>

> Helen, that's such a great example of poor TofM skills and context blindness.

You must have felt just awful when she said these things.

CJ, fortunately there were family and friends who, after hearing about what

happened to my garden, called me, some offered help, and one overseas friend

called me quite late for where he lives.

I wasn't and am not angry with her, but I felt very drained (as opposed to

buoyed) after that conversation, which had promptly reverted back to her

problems. That's when I started realizing I need to put strict limits on the

amount of time she takes from me.

Over time, the exchanges have diminished to almost none. I honestly can't think

of a single thing I would want to tell her. This is the way some relationships

die, when all the emotional capital is exhausted but one party misses the signs.

Both you and have shared some excellent articles and comments about

repairing conversations and relationships. There certainly is a small window of

opportunity that must be seized upon to repair a conversation - and quite

possibly a relationship - before the other party makes a decision to end their

investment in that relationship and " move on. "

As you allude to below, when you hit a point where your time and energy is more

limited, you have to take stock of what needs your attention the most. You have

to take care of yourself so that there is some " you " left give to others. It

feels sad, but sometimes you may have to dump some ballast just so you can stay

afloat.

> My sister Nan is a lot like this too. She doesn't seem to have developed any

social filters whatsoever. If she thinks it, she vocalizes it. Often quite

loudly, as her voice does not appear to have a volume control setting.

LOL, sounds like my late brother, memories that are hilarious now, but horribly

embarrassing at the time they happened.

> I remember the last time Nan visited (in the early 90s) with her husband,

Bill. We were all planning to go out to dinner together, and my husband was

telling both of them about the car he just purchased, a pretty brand new teal

green Volkswagen Jetta. We were carrying a hefty mortgage payment at the time,

so our budget was limited. We chose the no-frills Jetta because it had good

reviews and seemed to meet our needs at the time.

>

> As we entered the parking garage and my husband pointed out the new car, Nan

excitedly turned to Bill and blurted, " Bill, you remember when we were shopping

for a new car... we looked at the Jetta too and decided it just looked TOO CHEAP

AND UGLY! " [emphasis corresponds to the conviction and increased volume in Nan's

voice]

YIKES!!! I'm sure you were absolutely mortified! Nothing wrong with the VW Jetta

by the way. It's still a good car

I remember of some of my own classic " AS moments " when I was a teenager.

Sometimes someone would gently point my error out to me and I would be mortified

by my sin, but sometimes they didn't, they just drifted away, and it took me

decades before I had a cringe-worthy epiphany.

> Nan intended no offense, nor did she realize the effect that such words could

have on others. I fully expected Bill to be mortified by the comment, yet he

wasn't. I think that he's just been around Nan for so long that he no longer

notices her blurtings... probably just tunes them out.

Possibly he numbed himself out (and maybe continues to do so) to such things. I

did too .. but then I reached a saturation point.

> Fortunately, I had already warned my husband in advance about my sister's

tendency to blurt out socially inappropriate comments. Thus, he just thought

the whole incident was funny, in an awkward sort of way.

Funny, and oh so familiar. It would be even funnier if I didn't know how

ultimately sensitive your ex would turn out to be. It is good that at that time,

he wasn't as ill yet.

<snipped>

> I can totally relate, Helen. A steady diet of this type of obliviousness can

really get tiring, even when you are at your best. During more challenging

times, it's not surprising that some people choose to distance themselves from

those who have a tendency to sing more " wrong notes " than not.

Amen to that!

> Relationships need to work for all parties involved, especially when

contact is frequent. I've decided that my sister is best enjoyed from

afar, preferably via occasional emails where she tends to give a bit more

thought to what she writes.

I'm glad that she has the wherewithal to do that. I certainly find it helpful to

have the time to consider the impact of my words as I write.

Good discussion, thanks CJ

- Helen