Guest guest Posted July 11, 2012 Report Share Posted July 11, 2012 I'm glad you are feeling better, Sandy. Relief at not having to worry about walking on eggshells to avoid arguments or attacks goes a long, long way toward peace and happiness. I have had the same feeling since leaving my ex two plus years ago and have no regrets. It's nice if you can talk and keep things civilized, but if things change and he no longer makes that possible, don't let it bring you down. My ex still goes from calling me to talk like we always did, to being nasty on occasion, but the difference is now, I simply say, " I am not going to listen to this, sorry " and then I hang up. We separated  Well, I thought I was going to stay with my AS husband for life. But we separated on June 29. Our anniversary was Sunday, July 1, for 33 years of marriage. I have already filed for divorce. As usual, I am confused about how he is feeling. On Thurs June 28, I told him that I thought we needed to put in the air conditioner the following evening (104 degrees out). He said no. He said that I could get an air conditioner just for the room we use for the computer, TV, etc. I told him that would not be enough. I asked him if he would help me put it up. He didn't respond. The next day after work I asked my neighbor to help me put it in. We put it in and I had it running when my husband came home. He walked over and turned it off. I said I needed it on. He told me that he had told me no. I got up and turned it back on. He went and turned it off at the breaker. I told him I couldn't tolerate the heat and he said I could. I turned it on at the breaker again, and he got up and took a screwdriver to dismantle the breaker box. I told him not to bother--that I was leaving. I said that if I leave, I would not be back. He didn't say anything. I asked him if he was trying to drive me away and he said no. I told him I couldn't believe he was doing this and said there were two people here. He said he was the one who mattered. I packed as much as I could and went over to my neighbor's for the next few days. Then I stayed with another couple for two nights, etc. until I moved into a little house I am now renting. We did not contact each other. He moved my stuff out into boxes on the covered patio. I got some friends and we moved the rest of my stuff on the 4th of JUly--fortunately, he wasn't there. I've gone back a couple of times to get some things I forgot while he was at work. Today, he had changed the locks. He called me at work today and asked if I would meet him at a restaurant and he would buy me lunch. I asked what we were going to talk about and he said " anything civilized. " I met him there and wondered what he would say. He basically just acted like he always did--talking a little bit about this and that. I asked him why he wanted to meet and he said just to find out what's going on. When we went out to the cars, he had stuff for me to take as well as my mail. He said we oculd make this nasty or decent. I said I didn't want it to be nasty. He wanted us to negotiate ourselves how to divide everything. I told him I didn't know that we could actually do that because we wouldn't agree. He told me what he wanted. He also said he wondered if we had just bought the air conditioner for the other room that none of this would have happened. I reminded him that he said he was the only one who mattered. He said he would like me to one day explain why I have been so mad at him and have hated him. I said I hadn't been and that I have never hated him. He just smirked like he didn't believe me. I told him that he had been acting like he wanted a single life for a long time. He said he was tired of the tantrums (whenever I got angry, he considered it a tantrum). I told him I was tired of the grouchiness every night. I told him that it was always considered all my fault and why would I put myself through that by talking to him about it. He asked if I wasn't a little curious. I said that if he wants me to talk about my feelings, he can start by telling me about his. Then I would consider it. Our typical pattern has always been him asking me a million questions and expecting me to be very open but then him not saying anything about himself. Maybe he is incapable, I don't know, but it always made me feel like a fool. Anyway, now I am feeling kind of upset about his thinking I was mad and hated him. I realize in my head that his AS makes him think the worst about how others are treating him and doesn't allow him to see how his own behavior contributes to the reactions and problems. But it is still getting to me. I must say, though, that I have been more happy since we separated. Less confusion and trying to figure out what he wants. I still care about him and love him, but I'm glad it is over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2012 Report Share Posted July 11, 2012 I'm glad you are feeling better, Sandy. Relief at not having to worry about walking on eggshells to avoid arguments or attacks goes a long, long way toward peace and happiness. I have had the same feeling since leaving my ex two plus years ago and have no regrets. It's nice if you can talk and keep things civilized, but if things change and he no longer makes that possible, don't let it bring you down. My ex still goes from calling me to talk like we always did, to being nasty on occasion, but the difference is now, I simply say, " I am not going to listen to this, sorry " and then I hang up. We separated  Well, I thought I was going to stay with my AS husband for life. But we separated on June 29. Our anniversary was Sunday, July 1, for 33 years of marriage. I have already filed for divorce. As usual, I am confused about how he is feeling. On Thurs June 28, I told him that I thought we needed to put in the air conditioner the following evening (104 degrees out). He said no. He said that I could get an air conditioner just for the room we use for the computer, TV, etc. I told him that would not be enough. I asked him if he would help me put it up. He didn't respond. The next day after work I asked my neighbor to help me put it in. We put it in and I had it running when my husband came home. He walked over and turned it off. I said I needed it on. He told me that he had told me no. I got up and turned it back on. He went and turned it off at the breaker. I told him I couldn't tolerate the heat and he said I could. I turned it on at the breaker again, and he got up and took a screwdriver to dismantle the breaker box. I told him not to bother--that I was leaving. I said that if I leave, I would not be back. He didn't say anything. I asked him if he was trying to drive me away and he said no. I told him I couldn't believe he was doing this and said there were two people here. He said he was the one who mattered. I packed as much as I could and went over to my neighbor's for the next few days. Then I stayed with another couple for two nights, etc. until I moved into a little house I am now renting. We did not contact each other. He moved my stuff out into boxes on the covered patio. I got some friends and we moved the rest of my stuff on the 4th of JUly--fortunately, he wasn't there. I've gone back a couple of times to get some things I forgot while he was at work. Today, he had changed the locks. He called me at work today and asked if I would meet him at a restaurant and he would buy me lunch. I asked what we were going to talk about and he said " anything civilized. " I met him there and wondered what he would say. He basically just acted like he always did--talking a little bit about this and that. I asked him why he wanted to meet and he said just to find out what's going on. When we went out to the cars, he had stuff for me to take as well as my mail. He said we oculd make this nasty or decent. I said I didn't want it to be nasty. He wanted us to negotiate ourselves how to divide everything. I told him I didn't know that we could actually do that because we wouldn't agree. He told me what he wanted. He also said he wondered if we had just bought the air conditioner for the other room that none of this would have happened. I reminded him that he said he was the only one who mattered. He said he would like me to one day explain why I have been so mad at him and have hated him. I said I hadn't been and that I have never hated him. He just smirked like he didn't believe me. I told him that he had been acting like he wanted a single life for a long time. He said he was tired of the tantrums (whenever I got angry, he considered it a tantrum). I told him I was tired of the grouchiness every night. I told him that it was always considered all my fault and why would I put myself through that by talking to him about it. He asked if I wasn't a little curious. I said that if he wants me to talk about my feelings, he can start by telling me about his. Then I would consider it. Our typical pattern has always been him asking me a million questions and expecting me to be very open but then him not saying anything about himself. Maybe he is incapable, I don't know, but it always made me feel like a fool. Anyway, now I am feeling kind of upset about his thinking I was mad and hated him. I realize in my head that his AS makes him think the worst about how others are treating him and doesn't allow him to see how his own behavior contributes to the reactions and problems. But it is still getting to me. I must say, though, that I have been more happy since we separated. Less confusion and trying to figure out what he wants. I still care about him and love him, but I'm glad it is over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2012 Report Share Posted July 11, 2012 Sandy, I'm so sorry... Have you ever looked up Narcissism in regards to your husband's behavior? Sounds like more than AS. You are doing the right thing. He is blatantly wrong without any compunctions what so ever. If he really wants to know why you are leaving all he has to do is sit his butt down and use his fabulous AS memory (assuming he has one) and rerun honestly every fight/heated conversation and how HE demanded his way like a child. (I'm assuming that was the case based on what you shared here, seems likely.) What you describe is classic Narcissi. He's blaming YOU for reacting to HIS lousy behavior and saying you are the bad person. He probably thinks that as long as he doesn't raise his voice or do anything that is on his list of 'bad' then he's a 'good guy' therefore it's all your fault. Could be some passive aggressive mixed in too although he seems remarkably upfront for the most part, based on your description. Take care of yourself! Jennie AS We separated Well, I thought I was going to stay with my AS husband for life. But we separated on June 29. Our anniversary was Sunday, July 1, for 33 years of marriage. I have already filed for divorce. As usual, I am confused about how he is feeling.On Thurs June 28, I told him that I thought we needed to put in the air conditioner the following evening (104 degrees out). He said no. He said that I could get an air conditioner just for the room we use for the computer, TV, etc. I told him that would not be enough. I asked him if he would help me put it up. He didn't respond. The next day after work I asked my neighbor to help me put it in. We put it in and I had it running when my husband came home. He walked over and turned it off. I said I needed it on. He told me that he had told meno. I got up and turned it back on. He went and turned it off at the breaker. I told him I couldn't tolerate the heat and he said I could. I turned it on at the breaker again, and he got up and took a screwdriver to dismantle the breaker box. I told him not to bother--that I was leaving. I said that if I leave, I would not be back. He didn't say anything. I asked him if he was trying to drive me away and he said no. I told him I couldn't believe he was doing thisand said there were two people here. He said he was the one who mattered. I packed as much as I could and went over to my neighbor's for the next few days. Then I stayed with another couple for two nights, etc. until I moved into a little house I am now renting.We did not contact each other. He moved my stuff out into boxes on the covered patio. I got some friends and we moved the rest of my stuff on the 4th of JUly--fortunately, he wasn't there. I've gone back a couple of times to get some things I forgot while he was at work. Today, he had changed the locks. He called me at work today and asked if I would meet him at a restaurant and he would buy me lunch. I asked what we were going to talk about and he said "anything civilized." I met him there and wondered what he would say. Hebasically just acted like he always did--talking a little bit about this and that. I asked him why he wanted to meet and he said just to find out what's going on. When we went out to the cars, he had stuff for me to take as well as my mail. He said we oculd make this nasty or decent. I said I didn't want it to be nasty. He wanted us to negotiate ourselves how to divide everything. I told him I didn't know that we could actually do that because we wouldn't agree.He told me what he wanted. He also said he wondered if we had just bought the air conditioner for the other room that none of this would have happened. I reminded him that he said he was the only one who mattered. He said he would like me to one day explain why I have been so mad at him and have hated him. I said I hadn't been and that I have never hated him. He just smirked like he didn't believe me. I told him that he had been acting like he wanted a single life for a long time. He said he was tired of the tantrums (whenever I gotangry, he considered it a tantrum). I told him I was tired of the grouchiness every night. I told him that it was always considered all my fault and why would I put myself through that by talking to him about it. He asked if I wasn't a little curious. I said that if he wants me to talk about my feelings, he can start by telling me about his. Then I would consider it. Our typical pattern has always been him asking me a million questions and expecting me to be very open but then him not saying anything about himself. Maybe he isincapable, I don't know, but it always made me feel like a fool.Anyway, now I am feeling kind of upset about his thinking I was mad and hated him. I realize in my head that his AS makes him think the worst about how others are treating him and doesn't allow him to see how his own behavior contributes to the reactions and problems. But it is still getting to me.I must say, though, that I have been more happy since we separated. Less confusion and trying to figure out what he wants. I still care about him and love him, but I'm glad it is over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2012 Report Share Posted July 11, 2012 Sandy, I'm so sorry... Have you ever looked up Narcissism in regards to your husband's behavior? Sounds like more than AS. You are doing the right thing. He is blatantly wrong without any compunctions what so ever. If he really wants to know why you are leaving all he has to do is sit his butt down and use his fabulous AS memory (assuming he has one) and rerun honestly every fight/heated conversation and how HE demanded his way like a child. (I'm assuming that was the case based on what you shared here, seems likely.) What you describe is classic Narcissi. He's blaming YOU for reacting to HIS lousy behavior and saying you are the bad person. He probably thinks that as long as he doesn't raise his voice or do anything that is on his list of 'bad' then he's a 'good guy' therefore it's all your fault. Could be some passive aggressive mixed in too although he seems remarkably upfront for the most part, based on your description. Take care of yourself! Jennie AS We separated Well, I thought I was going to stay with my AS husband for life. But we separated on June 29. Our anniversary was Sunday, July 1, for 33 years of marriage. I have already filed for divorce. As usual, I am confused about how he is feeling.On Thurs June 28, I told him that I thought we needed to put in the air conditioner the following evening (104 degrees out). He said no. He said that I could get an air conditioner just for the room we use for the computer, TV, etc. I told him that would not be enough. I asked him if he would help me put it up. He didn't respond. The next day after work I asked my neighbor to help me put it in. We put it in and I had it running when my husband came home. He walked over and turned it off. I said I needed it on. He told me that he had told meno. I got up and turned it back on. He went and turned it off at the breaker. I told him I couldn't tolerate the heat and he said I could. I turned it on at the breaker again, and he got up and took a screwdriver to dismantle the breaker box. I told him not to bother--that I was leaving. I said that if I leave, I would not be back. He didn't say anything. I asked him if he was trying to drive me away and he said no. I told him I couldn't believe he was doing thisand said there were two people here. He said he was the one who mattered. I packed as much as I could and went over to my neighbor's for the next few days. Then I stayed with another couple for two nights, etc. until I moved into a little house I am now renting.We did not contact each other. He moved my stuff out into boxes on the covered patio. I got some friends and we moved the rest of my stuff on the 4th of JUly--fortunately, he wasn't there. I've gone back a couple of times to get some things I forgot while he was at work. Today, he had changed the locks. He called me at work today and asked if I would meet him at a restaurant and he would buy me lunch. I asked what we were going to talk about and he said "anything civilized." I met him there and wondered what he would say. Hebasically just acted like he always did--talking a little bit about this and that. I asked him why he wanted to meet and he said just to find out what's going on. When we went out to the cars, he had stuff for me to take as well as my mail. He said we oculd make this nasty or decent. I said I didn't want it to be nasty. He wanted us to negotiate ourselves how to divide everything. I told him I didn't know that we could actually do that because we wouldn't agree.He told me what he wanted. He also said he wondered if we had just bought the air conditioner for the other room that none of this would have happened. I reminded him that he said he was the only one who mattered. He said he would like me to one day explain why I have been so mad at him and have hated him. I said I hadn't been and that I have never hated him. He just smirked like he didn't believe me. I told him that he had been acting like he wanted a single life for a long time. He said he was tired of the tantrums (whenever I gotangry, he considered it a tantrum). I told him I was tired of the grouchiness every night. I told him that it was always considered all my fault and why would I put myself through that by talking to him about it. He asked if I wasn't a little curious. I said that if he wants me to talk about my feelings, he can start by telling me about his. Then I would consider it. Our typical pattern has always been him asking me a million questions and expecting me to be very open but then him not saying anything about himself. Maybe he isincapable, I don't know, but it always made me feel like a fool.Anyway, now I am feeling kind of upset about his thinking I was mad and hated him. I realize in my head that his AS makes him think the worst about how others are treating him and doesn't allow him to see how his own behavior contributes to the reactions and problems. But it is still getting to me.I must say, though, that I have been more happy since we separated. Less confusion and trying to figure out what he wants. I still care about him and love him, but I'm glad it is over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2012 Report Share Posted July 11, 2012 Wonderful post, . Best, ~CJ > Sandy: > > I am sending you cyber hugs and wishes that you take this time for Sandy and find Sandy, and that Sandy moves forward in her life. All you can do if help heal yourself. He is a BIG boy and it sounds like has made his choice. This will not end today or even when the divorce is final, as it takes time to heal. > > I wish you the best and new beginnings as you both deserve it. Take this time to heal and find Sandy. > > The very best. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 11, 2012 Report Share Posted July 11, 2012 Wonderful post, . Best, ~CJ > Sandy: > > I am sending you cyber hugs and wishes that you take this time for Sandy and find Sandy, and that Sandy moves forward in her life. All you can do if help heal yourself. He is a BIG boy and it sounds like has made his choice. This will not end today or even when the divorce is final, as it takes time to heal. > > I wish you the best and new beginnings as you both deserve it. Take this time to heal and find Sandy. > > The very best. > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 13, 2012 Report Share Posted July 13, 2012 I don't know if my message yesterday went through. In case it didn't go through, I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments regarding my separation from my husband. This group has been so helpful to me since I joined. Sandy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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