Re: AS wives with NT partners/husbands

March 11, 2012

KCSearch back through the archives for a thread about "how to fight with your aspie spouse". You will find a great share of relationship wealth in that thread. It will help you with understanding how your partner's brain works and may help her understand how your brain works. ~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2012 13:49:12 +0000To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: AS wives with NT partners/husbands Hello all,I am new to this group and have searched through the previous posted topics with no luck. I am a 31 year old, NT female in a 9 year relationship with an AS female (doctors suggested years ago, when our son was getting his diagnosis, that the " apple doesn't fall far from the tree " . After a recent Neurology appointment, with our son, we realized AS might be a bigger reality than we had initially thought. My partner has since spent hours researching and taking Aspie tests and has become very aware of how Aspie she is) As I mentioned, we have a 11 year old AS son, who is biologically my partners. Where to begin... I guess I am looking for help. Our relationship has become very strained and we are grasping at straws to understand each other. We love each other very much and when we are not arguing, we genuinely enjoy each other's company and laugh often. Neither one of us are at the point where we want the relationship to end. Over the years my partner's ability to cope, communicate and manage difficulties has decreased significantly. Is this a common issue with AS? Why did she seem like such a different person 9 years ago? I am no angel and have made some mistakes along the way, which have had a large impact on the relationship, but I find the inability for my partner to forgive me, recognize my growth or trust me to not hurt her again in that way very detrimental to our growth as a couple. Are there any other members that are or have been in a lesbian relationship (AS or NT)? Most of the information I have been able to find is regarding AS husbands and I find that AS women are different in lots of ways. I have found very little information on AS wives. As a NT, I find lesbian relationships difficult to understand/navigate. Throw in an anxiety disorder on my end and AS on my partners end and it's even more difficult to navigate.To compound difficulties we just moved across the U.S. We have found the move to be very isolating for us as we moved from an extremely urban area (greater Los Angeles metro area) to a much less urban area (Hampton Roads, VA). We have not been able to find a couples therapist with AS experience. We really want to learn how to communicate with each other and most of the articles I have read on-line scare me into thinking an AS/NT marriage is " impossible " . Please say it isn't so. I want to have a healthy, happy relationship with my partner. What can we do?Thanks for reading.KC

March 11, 2012

> Are there any other members that are or have been in a lesbian relationship

(AS or NT)? Most of the information I have been able to find is regarding AS

husbands and I find that AS women are different in lots of ways. I have found

very little information on AS wives.

Not a lesbian, but I am a heteroflexible Aspie female who was once

married to a NT. My posts are all over the group archives, if you care

to read them.

That my partner was male shouldn't really matter. After all, each Aspie

(regardless of sex/gender) is an individual, after all. Some are

more/less socially aware than others. It's how a particular Aspie

meshes with the NT that determines whether the relationship will succeed.

The dynamic with my NT husband was especially problematic because he

represented the softer more 'feminine' nurturing side of the

relationship, while I was more the extreme male brain type. Add a few

anxiety disorders and a mood disorder to boot, and things were... uh...

challenging to say the least.

> We really want to learn how to communicate with each other and most of the

articles I have read on-line scare me into thinking an AS/NT marriage is

" impossible " . Please say it isn't so.

One can't make a generalization about these things. It depends on the

Aspie and the NT in the relationship, their compatibilities and

strengths/weaknesses. Just like NT/NT relationships, some relationships

work out, while others don't.

Best,

~CJ

March 14, 2012

Hi KC,

Welcome to the group! This has been sitting in my drafts box for a few days

until I had time to look up the links to the ASPIRES archive posts I'm adding

here. As you can see we are going through a quiet period, probably spring fever!

I do hope you will find the time to read through some of the archived posts

during this quiet time. We are normally a chatty bunch and you will get great

insights from AS and NT members in those posts.

You wrote:

> I am new to this group and have searched through the previous posted topics

with no luck.

Have you heard of Gottman? He has studied relationships for many years -

both opposite sex and same sex couples, and I posted some links to an article,

some of his videos, and links to explanations of the " emotional bank account "

concept that Gottman and others like Covey and Chapman also refer to. I'll just

paste the links to those archive posts here. I do think you will find them

helpful.

Article: Mathematics of Love

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aspires-relationships/message/16711

Gottman YouTube videos

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aspires-relationships/message/16735

Emotional Bank Account

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aspires-relationships/message/16901

Deb also recommends another excellent relationships book:

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aspires-relationships/message/16909

The above links are not about AS/NT issues per se, but the challenges faced by

AS/NT couples are often the same as those faced by NT/NT couples. Yes, with AS

in the mix, there can an added layer of complication in the communication

department, and here are two new books on AS/NT relationships which address

those issues.

This one is co-authored by an ASPIRES member and has excellent reviews.

The Partner's Guide to Asperger Syndrome

J. Moreno, Marci Wheeler and Kealah Parkinson

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aspires-relationships/message/17082

This one is written by an AS husband and has been received favourably as well:

The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One

Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/aspires-relationships/message/17316

best regards,

- Helen

I am a 31 year old, NT female in a 9 year relationship with an AS female

(doctors suggested years ago, when our son was getting his diagnosis, that the

" apple doesn't fall far from the tree " . After a recent Neurology appointment,

with our son, we realized AS might be a bigger reality than we had initially

thought. My partner has since spent hours researching and taking Aspie tests and

has become very aware of how Aspie she is) As I mentioned, we have a 11 year old

AS son, who is biologically my partners.

> Where to begin... I guess I am looking for help. Our relationship has become

very strained and we are grasping at straws to understand each other. We love

each other very much and when we are not arguing, we genuinely enjoy each

other's company and laugh often. Neither one of us are at the point where we

want the relationship to end. Over the years my partner's ability to cope,

communicate and manage difficulties has decreased significantly. Is this a

common issue with AS? Why did she seem like such a different person 9 years ago?

I am no angel and have made some mistakes along the way, which have had a large

impact on the relationship, but I find the inability for my partner to forgive

me, recognize my growth or trust me to not hurt her again in that way very

detrimental to our growth as a couple.

> Are there any other members that are or have been in a lesbian relationship

(AS or NT)? Most of the information I have been able to find is regarding AS

husbands and I find that AS women are different in lots of ways. I have found

very little information on AS wives. As a NT, I find lesbian relationships

difficult to understand/navigate. Throw in an anxiety disorder on my end and AS

on my partners end and it's even more difficult to navigate.

> To compound difficulties we just moved across the U.S. We have found the move

to be very isolating for us as we moved from an extremely urban area (greater

Los Angeles metro area) to a much less urban area (Hampton Roads, VA). We have

not been able to find a couples therapist with AS experience. We really want to

learn how to communicate with each other and most of the articles I have read

on-line scare me into thinking an AS/NT marriage is " impossible " . Please say it

isn't so. I want to have a healthy, happy relationship with my partner. What can

we do?

> Thanks for reading.

> KC

>

March 15, 2012

I won’t say it is easy but it certainly is possible! I have been married to my wonderful Aspie hubby for 32 years and raised 3 great kids along the way. We didn’t know he was an Aspie until the 24year of our marriage and it got way better after we understood what was going on. We still have bad moments or days but for the most part we are extremely happy and love each other with all our hearts. Like all marriages it takes work from both partners and knowing what each other’s strong points and weak points and not expecting the impossible will go a long way to getting you through. And never forget to laugh at yourself. Humor can be the grease that helps you through the rough patches. Wishing you the very best especially the ability to hope.Deb From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of lassoooonSent: March-10-12 5:49 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: AS wives with NT partners/husbands Hello all,I am new to this group and have searched through the previous posted topics with no luck. I am a 31 year old, NT female in a 9 year relationship with an AS female (doctors suggested years ago, when our son was getting his diagnosis, that the " apple doesn't fall far from the tree " . After a recent Neurology appointment, with our son, we realized AS might be a bigger reality than we had initially thought. My partner has since spent hours researching and taking Aspie tests and has become very aware of how Aspie she is) As I mentioned, we have a 11 year old AS son, who is biologically my partners. Where to begin... I guess I am looking for help. Our relationship has become very strained and we are grasping at straws to understand each other. We love each other very much and when we are not arguing, we genuinely enjoy each other's company and laugh often. Neither one of us are at the point where we want the relationship to end. Over the years my partner's ability to cope, communicate and manage difficulties has decreased significantly. Is this a common issue with AS? Why did she seem like such a different person 9 years ago? I am no angel and have made some mistakes along the way, which have had a large impact on the relationship, but I find the inability for my partner to forgive me, recognize my growth or trust me to not hurt her again in that way very detrimental to our growth as a couple. Are there any other members that are or have been in a lesbian relationship (AS or NT)? Most of the information I have been able to find is regarding AS husbands and I find that AS women are different in lots of ways. I have found very little information on AS wives. As a NT, I find lesbian relationships difficult to understand/navigate. Throw in an anxiety disorder on my end and AS on my partners end and it's even more difficult to navigate.To compound difficulties we just moved across the U.S. We have found the move to be very isolating for us as we moved from an extremely urban area (greater Los Angeles metro area) to a much less urban area (Hampton Roads, VA). We have not been able to find a couples therapist with AS experience. We really want to learn how to communicate with each other and most of the articles I have read on-line scare me into thinking an AS/NT marriage is " impossible " . Please say it isn't so. I want to have a healthy, happy relationship with my partner. What can we do?Thanks for reading.KC

March 15, 2012

Hi KC,

I am in a hetero relationship, but I can identify with what you are saying. I

have been suffering with years of mental health issues, anxiety and depression,

and finally last Nov got diagnosed with Bipolar. Big relief and also quite hard

to get my head round, but the point being about the partner not forgiving or

trusting, where I have made past mistakes, or been just too ill to do much, he's

sort of taken over certain things and it's been a real battle to get them back

off him, as he doesn't always trust or forgive me. He also recently shared that

he thought I was making it up or lying when I didn't want to do things, when

actually it was usually because my anxiety was so bad, I wasn't up to going out,

doing choir or whatever. I believe now, it's because he simply just couldn't

perceive the physical and verbal cues of my anxiety, and at the time I didn't

realise how clearly I would need to state it, for him to 'get it'.

You may have come across Cassandra Affective Disorder, which whilst very

controversial on here can offer you a further perspective on your situation. It

talks in terms of Female NT married with Male AS, but I have been on the

workshop here in the UK and Maxine has confirmed that she has had gay guys

attend, and that it is very much applicable to any partner of an AS person,

regardless of Gender mix.

Some really important thinking came out of this for me:

You have 3 options with the relationship: Like it, Lump it or Leave it. The

first one is the ideal: you work to accept your partners limitations/issues and

your partner also works to accept yours, and also focus on each persons good

points, what they bring to the relationship. Then look at it in terms of being

a team, and pulling together using eachother's strong points.

Experiment with different ways of communicating, someone has already said about

emailing, I also find this vastly helpful, infact I wonder if we'd still be

together without email! But overall, communicating and finding different ways

is helpful. It's clear your partner is of a scientific bent, so explain it in

terms of carrying out experiments to find the best ways for you to both

communicate better.

Also, get a life and look after yourself. The hard part is accepting that Jon,

my hubby will never be an empathic type, he won't ever finish my sentences, or

just know from a look accross a room what I am thinking. I can't depend on him

for my emotional wellbeing, I have to get it from other sources, especially as I

have BP on top. However, I am getting a life, and gradually getting out there,

having my own social life, finding new ways to express myself, and also I take

time to look after myself and work out who the hell I am, after 10 years of

relationship. Also don't feel guilty about going out without your partner, as

an aspie she may prefer to remain home and have some quiet too.

The key is defo working out the communication, and one way I do that, is by

printing off some of the replies I get and letting Jon read them, because then

he seems to take it more seriously than if I just say it. I need to give him

his own space and time to absorb new stuff, and I am now more confident in

bartering for doing things, new responsibilities, so we are chipping away at the

distrust. Also, in terms of forgiveness, Jon has realised he's also hurt me a

great deal due to some of his Aspie attributes, which has kind of levelled the

playing field between us, as we have now both been making conscious efforts to

forgive eachother and put the past exactly where it deserves to be.

I hope some of this is helpful, nearly forgot the cassandra link:

www.maxineaston.co.uk

Do feel free to keep posting and keep asking questions. I have found this

list/forum really very helpful, and somewhere there is a list of rules and do's

and don't that the group collated, I think Helen F did it? Don't know if anyone

has the link? That's enlightening and collated by all of us here.

Big hugs to you. You can do it. We've performed a magnificent U-turn in our

marriage and there are plenty of people who do, but it does take a lot of hard

work on both parts. Your partner needs to accept that she must overcome her

reticence to communicate for things to get better, though, by the sounds of it.

It's fantastic she's been looking into it, and seems willing to accept it as a

reality for her. It does take a while to sink in, when you have a significant

diagnosis.

Big hugs and the very best to you.

Becky

>

> Hello all,

> I am new to this group and have searched through the previous posted topics

with no luck. I am a 31 year old, NT female in a 9 year relationship with an AS

female (doctors suggested years ago, when our son was getting his diagnosis,

that the " apple doesn't fall far from the tree " . After a recent Neurology

appointment, with our son, we realized AS might be a bigger reality than we had

initially thought. My partner has since spent hours researching and taking Aspie

tests and has become very aware of how Aspie she is) As I mentioned, we have a

11 year old AS son, who is biologically my partners.