Re: An idea maybe not otherwise considered

[Guest guest]

Steve,

As I tried to say when we exchanged a few posts last December, I think

you are being too hard on yourself. Yes, you exhibit some Aspie

traits, but instead of accepting them and being proud of what you are,

you're bashing your head against a brick wall blaming yourself for

your relationship difficulties. It's a moot point as to whether AS is

actually to " blame " for these difficulties, but even if it is, you're

pursuing a fruitless task blaming yourself when you know that these

things are basically immutable. Not only is it fruitless, I venture

that it's also unhealthy for you.

Self deprecation is a well-known Aspie trait that lots of us suffer

from, especially imaginary unjustified self-deprecation, and that's

what it appears to me you are doing. You believe that since you're to

blame, you're the one who has to correct himself. whereas in reality

nothing's actually " wrong " ; you're just different. I'd recommend you

to try to shrug off this blame thing and think much more positively

about yourself.

I can't imagine how returning to UK would make any sense for you unless

you had a good job already lined up there. With your family

relationship in the precarious state you've been describing, giving up

a good rewarding satisfying job in HK for the dole in UK sounds like

pure madness to me; a perfect recipe for sinking into classical

depression. Just imagine what adding depression to your marital

difficulties would do to your job prospects and how it would inevitably

trigger your relationship into a downward spiral.

Think positively and look after No 1 first because No 1 is the power

engine that has to drag all the other coaches along.

(from here in Thailand, you're still

my closest known AS neighbour)

-------

> Many thanks for the replies and the good advice, some of which I'd rather have

not received but I know deep down this is the reality.

>

> A few interesting topics there. I don't think a little flirting would go down

well though and would likely be a disaster.

>

> There are some tough choices ahead. My wife and daughters are returning to the

UK at the beginning of September. Mainly because my eldest has not settled here

in Hong Kong, is homesick after four years away and her studies are suffering.

>

> I have some financial and contractual ties that will keep me in Hong Kong

until late November, perhaps even until Christmas before I will be able to

follow. Perhaps this time apart will be beneficial.

>

> I am very worried at the thought of returning to the UK. I may be joining

on the ranks of unemployed. There is no sign of any work in my specialist

field in all Western Europe. There is plenty in Asia and Australia at the moment

though. My only beneficial role to my family at the moment is one of provider.

With no work I will be less than useless. I could try setting up on my own but I

make a useless salesman.

>

> At least, returning to the UK would give me access to professional help. My

wife has expressed a willingness to cooperate provided there is a professional

involved. So, its not the end just yet. I am a little sceptical about how

successful professional help will be. I can follow the therapy but I am

realistic in that I know that I cannot make my AS go away I will continue to not

get it in many areas. There is hope though that I can improve with some help. I

think I have come as far as I can without any positive advice or guidance.

>

> Thanks again all

>

> Steve

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Steve,

I concur with on every point he made here. (I kept his post, and your

previous one, below.)

Regarding the Valentine's Day fiasco, I have to say that I absolutely loathe

manufactured consumer events like Valentines day, and this one in particular has

to be very stress-inducing, not only for adults but for school children, whose

custom it is to exchange Valentines cards, so that it is a popularity contest.

Schools have tried to adapt in various ways to make it more equitable .. with

varying success, and some schools have outright banned the practice, which I

favour.

In so far as the giving and receiving of gifts goes, I'm sure that it is written

*in stone* in every book of etiquette that the receiver of gifts shall accept

the gift in the spirit in which it is given, even if it is a ghastly " white

elephant " sort of gift. That is the NT thing to do.

If everything you try is shot down, then it probably would not matter what you

did at this point. Your wife does not want you to be " nice " - period. Now, I can

actually understand the logic of that, having felt that way myself at one point,

but that doesn't mean that was right either. This is the sad part of a dying

marriage where cumulative bitterness and the end of hope results in tearing a

partner down for every little thing. Often it's " payback " for all the years of

unintentional (but still hurtful) hurt and the resultant grinding down of the

partner's self esteem. It's like an abscess that finally bursts and spews out

decades of accumulated poison. But still, two wrongs *never* make a right.

If I were you I would taking the long view NOW, looking at where you have the

best chance of having gainful and satisfying employment that will sustain you

and support your daughters for the long term, and also lay the groundwork for

establishing continued proper access to your daughters during what will be a

likely separation, geographically if not legally as well.

I am so sorry, this is soooo harsh, and I do send you best wishes across the

oceans.

- Helen

PS, normally dp I edit out previous content but am keeping it here for those who

want to refer back to it.

>

> > Many thanks for the replies and the good advice, some of which I'd rather

have not received but I know deep down this is the reality.

> >

> > A few interesting topics there. I don't think a little flirting would go

down well though and would likely be a disaster.

> >

> > There are some tough choices ahead. My wife and daughters are returning to

the UK at the beginning of September. Mainly because my eldest has not settled

here in Hong Kong, is homesick after four years away and her studies are

suffering.

> >

> > I have some financial and contractual ties that will keep me in Hong Kong

until late November, perhaps even until Christmas before I will be able to

follow. Perhaps this time apart will be beneficial.

> >

> > I am very worried at the thought of returning to the UK. I may be joining

on the ranks of unemployed. There is no sign of any work in my specialist

field in all Western Europe. There is plenty in Asia and Australia at the moment

though. My only beneficial role to my family at the moment is one of provider.

With no work I will be less than useless. I could try setting up on my own but I

make a useless salesman.

> >

> > At least, returning to the UK would give me access to professional help. My

wife has expressed a willingness to cooperate provided there is a professional

involved. So, its not the end just yet. I am a little sceptical about how

successful professional help will be. I can follow the therapy but I am

realistic in that I know that I cannot make my AS go away I will continue to not

get it in many areas. There is hope though that I can improve with some help. I

think I have come as far as I can without any positive advice or guidance.

> >

> > Thanks again all

> >

> > Steve

> >

>