In-Laws in Constant Turmoil

[Guest guest]

Hello All,

I am seeking ideas on how to approach (if recommended to do so at all) my

in-laws re their constant turmoil in their marriage and AS playing a significant

role. I have been coaching my MIL for a while, especially since I found out

about my son's diagnosis, I self diagnosed my husband and have learned a WHOLE

lot here w you fine people. And I'm still learning, since our marriage was

heading the same direction as my in-laws, but never as close to theirs.

In-laws are 74 years old, and I know for a fact father-in-law is AS, just never

had the enlightment of the truth. ;-) Brilliant person, just displays classic

traits of AS, as well socially unable to keep relationships, mom comments on how

he has burned every bridge of friendship w most folks they know as well as

family--often he blurts hurful words, in particular to MIL or speaks his mind

openly about her regardless of who is around, starting a disagreement that can

quickly be blown out of proportion for the littlest thing. Add to that behavior

some insecurity, anxiety, abandonment issues, and who knows what else and it's a

living hell for mom every day of her life. She's left various times, be he often

somehow convinces her he will change (which he really never does), he's been in

counseling for at least 6 years, she quit going bc things just do not improve,

no matter her efforts per the recommendation of therapists, and she's at her

wits end.

Anyway, I have asked her to seek counseling for herself, to help bear this

burden. But she's old school as well, she tells me " she doesn't need it, bc she

hasn't done wrong, he's the one who needs it " , I tell her, " in a way you have,

you've put up w his abuse, neglect, betrayal, for over 46 years " .

As long as I have known them (about 12 years) they have had the same problems,

all based on my " mother-in-law (MIL) never doing " what she is supposed to do " " .

Things are usually well so long as she does as he desires, like being home, not

going anywhere, talking to absolutely anyone on phone,

[Guest guest]

Hi AndysMom,

Somehow the end of your post was cut off, and I missed your signature as well.

It is commendable for you to try to help your mother in law. You have given her

the information, encouraged her to get counselling for herself, really it sounds

like you have said and done all you can do, and now it's time to stop.

Unfortunately she's displaying some rigidity on her part .. but it's not just a

function of her age. I've seen it in lots of folks (and on this list as well)

when you suggest that they should get counselling for themselves, they bristle

and say, " I don't need fixing (what is implied is how dare you suggest that)

he/she needs fixing, it's up to him/her now. " Well with an attitude like that...

Over a lifetime I have come to realize that unfortunately we play a role as

well. Often we are pre-programmed due our own family of origin experiences, and

it's no surprise to find that AS lurks in our own family trees as well. We grew

up accustomed to tolerating and accommodating to out-in-left-field behaviors so

those things became normalized for us. Some us discover we have mild shades of

AS too.

I have to admit that to this day sometimes I do feel frustrated that I can't

help some family members and friends more with the knowledge that I have about

AS. They, or their loved one(s), are obviously in the spectrum but they are in

denial. What I came to realize, though, is that sometimes this knowledge is for

me and me alone. I can use this knowledge to change my own behaviors and also my

reactions to others on the spectrum. Sometimes that involves " tough love " which

means no longer " enabling " them by continuing to support them in their faulty

thinking or behaviors.

Mostly, that involves not responding to negative behaviors and therefore not

reinforcing negative behaviors, and responding to positive behaviors - therefore

encouraging positive ones.

It also means when a family member or close friend starts complaining about

errant spouse with same litany that you have heard from time immemorial - and

you *know* they aren't going to take action - you change the subject or suddenly

remember that you have to run out on errands. They may or may not " get it "

eventually, but it will spare you the frustration you feel right now, and spare

you the sense of owning a problem which is not yours to own.

best to you and welcome to ASPIRES!

- Helen

>

> Hello All,

>

> I am seeking ideas on how to approach (if recommended to do so at all) my

in-laws re their constant turmoil in their marriage and AS playing a significant

role. I have been coaching my MIL for a while, especially since I found out

about my son's diagnosis, I self diagnosed my husband and have learned a WHOLE

lot here w you fine people. And I'm still learning, since our marriage was

heading the same direction as my in-laws, but never as close to theirs.

>

> In-laws are 74 years old, and I know for a fact father-in-law is AS, just

never had the enlightment of the truth. ;-) Brilliant person, just displays

classic traits of AS, as well socially unable to keep relationships, mom

comments on how he has burned every bridge of friendship w most folks they know

as well as family--often he blurts hurful words, in particular to MIL or speaks

his mind openly about her regardless of who is around, starting a disagreement

that can quickly be blown out of proportion for the littlest thing. Add to that

behavior some insecurity, anxiety, abandonment issues, and who knows what else

and it's a living hell for mom every day of her life. She's left various times,

be he often somehow convinces her he will change (which he really never does),

he's been in counseling for at least 6 years, she quit going bc things just do

not improve, no matter her efforts per the recommendation of therapists, and

she's at her wits end.

>

> Anyway, I have asked her to seek counseling for herself, to help bear this

burden. But she's old school as well, she tells me " she doesn't need it, bc she

hasn't done wrong, he's the one who needs it " , I tell her, " in a way you have,

you've put up w his abuse, neglect, betrayal, for over 46 years " .

>

>

> As long as I have known them (about 12 years) they have had the same problems,

all based on my " mother-in-law (MIL) never doing " what she is supposed to do " " .

Things are usually well so long as she does as he desires, like being home, not

going anywhere, talking to absolutely anyone on phone,

>

[Guest guest]

Hi AndysMom

What you share puts me in mind of my own inlaws... so what I have to say is in that context, take it for what it's worth.

My inlaws are very similar to yours. They are not AS but are stuck and constantly in turmoil. Early on in my marriage I thought I could help. I learned I can't. In the end after many years I learned that under the constant turmoil was a lot of nasty past issues.

I'm guessing this constant turmoil bleeds over into your family because it sure did with my inlaws. My advice to you is to set some boundaries with them so that their turmoil does not get into YOUR family. This might mean limiting the time you spend with them. I have no idea how bad your situation might be. In my situation we eventually ended up going no contact with them for our own safety and sanity, but our situation includes abuse/incest that was potentially dangerous to our children.

I think most likely there is nothing you can do to help these people. They don't want help. Even MIL doesn't want help, (evidenced by her declaring it's not her problem). Sometimes people are just more comfortable in the mud pit they are used to. I'd focus on my own immediate family if I were you! :-)

blessings,

Jennie AS -has crazy inlaws.

In-Laws in Constant Turmoil

Hello All,I am seeking ideas on how to approach (if recommended to do so at all) my in-laws re their constant turmoil in their marriage and AS playing a significant role. I have been coaching my MIL for a while, especially since I found out about my son's diagnosis, I self diagnosed my husband and have learned a WHOLE lot here w you fine people. And I'm still learning, since our marriage was heading the same direction as my in-laws, but never as close to theirs.In-laws are 74 years old, and I know for a fact father-in-law is AS, just never had the enlightment of the truth. ;-) Brilliant person, just displays classic traits of AS, as well socially unable to keep relationships, mom comments on how he has burned every bridge of friendship w most folks they know as well as family--often he blurts hurful words, in particular to MIL or speaks his mind openly about her regardless of who is around, starting a disagreement that can quickly be blown out of proportion for the littlest thing. Add to that behavior some insecurity, anxiety, abandonment issues, and who knows what else and it's a living hell for mom every day of her life. She's left various times, be he often somehow convinces her he will change (which he really never does), he's been in counseling for at least 6 years, she quit going bc things just do not improve, no matter her efforts per the recommendation of therapists, and she's at her wits end. Anyway, I have asked her to seek counseling for herself, to help bear this burden. But she's old school as well, she tells me "she doesn't need it, bc she hasn't done wrong, he's the one who needs it", I tell her, "in a way you have, you've put up w his abuse, neglect, betrayal, for over 46 years". As long as I have known them (about 12 years) they have had the same problems, all based on my "mother-in-law (MIL) never doing "what she is supposed to do"". Things are usually well so long as she does as he desires, like being home, not going anywhere, talking to absolutely anyone on phone,