Too many triggers to count

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,I joined the group about 2 months ago but its taken me awhile to write. I have read so many emails that I couldn't help but share my own story. After watching the 20/20 special tonight, I finally feel a sense of relief that maybe, just maybe with more publicity and attention, maybe one day there will be a cure.I have suffered for years with what I thought was "my bionic ears". I would sit at the table with my kids and torture them with repeated "chew with your mouth closed" or "stop slurping your drink" and "if you don't stop eating like that, I'm taking your plate away". I have tortured them and I thought it was their fault. Eventually, I stopped having dinner together, letting them eat first while I left the room (to do laundry or

something that got me out of there) because I just couldn't take the sounds of my kids eating. In reality, it wasn't just those sounds, it was almost ALL everyday sounds/motions: silverware clanking, chewing gum, coughing, sneezing, sniffling, crumbling sounds, crunchy foods, popcorn, repetitive motions, jaw movement, clicking, tapping, drumming sounds, certain music sounds, surround sound from speakers, breathing, snoring, throat clearing, keyboard tapping, forks against teeth, dog/cats/animals licking sounds, swallowing, certain voices ... you get the point. It has gotten to the point that I'm so good at "fleeing" that most people don't know I have a problem at all. I try so hard not to do anything to put myself in a situation where I might feel rage, anxiety and thoughts of either killing myself or the person/persons making the sounds.So, what does this all mean? I thought I was dealing with a problem

that was just me being crazy. I was so relieved, and then equally miserable to find all of you. Relived to know that I'm not alone, this is REAL and I'm not crazy. Miserable because I actually feel crazy and knowing that there is no cure yet means I don't know how long I will have to remain crazy. I guess the worst part is the guilt of knowing that the offenders (trigger makers) are not doing anything on purpose to hurt me, but I certainly want to hurt them when they do it. Its debilitating sometimes. I've learned to cope by:1) Saying no to most social situations. (family functions, friend invitations, movies, parties, etc)2) Never eating dinner with my family / friends (I always eat alone or try to) unless it is a LOUD place where the sounds of

eating or anything else can be drowned out.3) Always have headphones. Always.4) Leave immediately whenever I hear anything that triggers me NO MATTER WHAT (even if I'm at work). Usually I will excuse myself to go to the bathroom. 5) Listen to everything (TV/Radio) really loudly6) Never look at anyone's face if they are chewing and I can't escape. Close my eyes and scream inside to drown out the sounds I can 'almost' hear7) Have a loud fan on all the time in any room I'm in, at night in my bedroom, and in my officeThese are just a few, but they didn't

help when I left multiple relationships because of my Misophonia. One because of his snoring, breathing sounds. Another because he loved to suck on lollipops while driving, another because of the way he ate chicken wings. Just writing about the sounds they used to make, makes me anxious and upset. I don't regret not having to listen to them anymore but I understand now that it wasn't them, it was me. And that is painful. They probably still don't know the real reason I avoided them and shut them out. I'm 46 now and I can't imagine living with ANYBODY because I know they will make trigger sounds and I will want to hurt them and most certainly will eventually begin to hate them and avoid them altogether.The good news is that there is a Audiologist here, the only one on Long Island as a matter of fact, and I have an appointment with her tomorrow. I'm hopeful that there's something she can

tell me that I don't already know that will help. I'm sure after tonight's segment on 20/20, she is going to be swamped. I'm glad I made my appointment weeks ago. I'll let you know how it goes!Thanks for reading everyone. I feel all of your pain and I can only hope that by everyone continuing to share, it will bring some peace and comfort while we wait for research to catch up with this.