I just found out what's wrong with me

May 19, 2012

My husband was watching 20/20 last night and saw a segment on this. As soon as I

got home he had the interview pulled up online for me to watch and he just told

me I had to watch it and I wouldn't believe it. So I started watching it and

laughed and said OMG there's someone else just like me! He told me that what I

have is actually a disorder and I laughed harder.

The funny thing is, it isn't funny at all. I'm 46 years old and I've been

dealing with doctors since I was 18. I have no idea when this started but when i

was 17 the violence started. I've put my fist through many walls when i heard

thumping music and i become very angry when i hear stomping. Over the years I've

learned to use the flight response when I was triggered but when I'm trapped I

have to use the fight response.

I dropped out of school at 17 because people just bugged me. When I got a full

time job at 21 I always had my own office. I was at the same company for 18

years and then I moved to the US and got a job in an agency style office with 12

other people. I became so violent working there. I was called in to my bosses

office many time for my outbursts when people cracked their gum, cleared their

throat, rattled bags and many many other triggers. I had to put cardboard in

between my desk and a cooworkers desk because he would shake his leg all day and

I couldn't concentrate because I could see it from the corner of my eye. I

bought noise canceling headphones because the noise from everyone drove me

insane!

My stepson has to eat in his room because of his poor eating habits and ADHD. I

used to inhale my food just so I could get away from him. There are just too

many triggers to even mention them all. At one point I thought I was bipolar

because of my outbursts. All my friends know I'm crazy and make fun of me all

the time and I just came to accept it. I realized I had a real problem about 1

1/2 years ago when I was almost fired. I moved from Canada 6 years ago because

I had such a bad repor with my family and friends and I just needed to escape. I

think it was then that I realized that I was the problem because everyone here

was telling me the same things my friends and family where telling me....I was

nuts.

I'm so happy I found this group. I think I can help people cope with this and

also learn so much from everyone on here. I have learned many different coping

mechanisms over the years and now that I know about this disorder I'm going to

my psychotherapist to let her know what I found out and see if she can help me.

Thank you everyone for sharing!

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