Heterosexual and LGBT relationships (was Re: some levity ..)

[Guest guest]

I would love to " weigh in " as an Aspie " T " (the last letter in " LGBT " ), but I

don't have a lot of time for posting. I am unsure that the reality can even be

represented as a continuum. It would be a mistake to look only at a female/male

axis when asexuality can be such a large factor.

Another thing to consider about the autistic spectrum is that a significant

number of people on it may also be gender variant is some way. There seems to be

a dearth of research in this area, however, for reasons I do not yet understand.

> > > Gottman has studied heterosexual and same sex relationships. The

challenges couples face turn out to be very similar. I'm sure this is a surprise

to many, as it is logical to assume that there would be fewer misunderstandings

in same sex partnerships. Ah, there is much we need to understand about the

relationship " roles " that each partner assumes. .. Others?

> >

> > Whether heterosexual or same-sex relationships, each person is in a

> > different place on the male/female continuum. Not only with respect to

> > gender/relationship roles, but fundamental emotional wiring. IOW, some

> > men are more in tune emotionally, much in the way that is more closely

> > associated with women. The reverse is also true. Taken together, it all

> > affects a couple's ability to communicate with each other.

>

> Very thoughtful response, CJ! I hope others will weigh in with their thoughts

as well, especially our LGBT members.

>

> - Helen

>

[Guest guest]

> Another thing to consider about the autistic spectrum is that a significant

number of people on it may also be gender variant is some way. There seems to be

a dearth of research in this area, however, for reasons I do not yet understand.

Welcome, !

Some possible reasons for the lack of research:

- both spectrum and gender identity are fairly new research topics. It generally

takes several decades for a substantial body of research to be created.

- there's no money it it. With the economy as bad as it is, there is very little

money for research unless the funder can use it to make a profit. Even the

government has no money for social research like this -- and with so many

political conservatives, I doubt anyone would be willing to spend government

money of anything even accepting the existence of gender diversity.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Since we have some new folks, I'm going to post a short introduction.

I'm mildly AS, but have learned to fit in with the NT world. Only a few of my

closest friends know I'm Aspie. Though I had major problems as a kid, now I just

have problems with intimate communication and sensory issues, plus a tiny touch

of anxiety.

I'm in the end stages of a divorce. XH (ex husband) is also Aspie, but went in

the opposite direction, with his AS traits getting worse over the years. He

never had good theory of mind; near the end, he was completely incapable of

seeing me as anything other than a mindless part of him. He always had anger

issues, at the end he got so bad I ended up getting a restraining order.

Oh, did we mention orientation issues above? After a few almost sexless years

when our kids were very high need babies, he gave up on sex with me and started

answering CraigsList personals from men, mostly for humiliation and BDSM.

Eventually I found out, and he couldn't admit his activity to me, and he

appeared to be in deep denial to himself as well. As I said, I refuse to live in

anyone's closet.

I joined this list about 2 years ago (?) and found a group of people who

understand how AS really affects everything. I've learned a lot here, and

sometimes reach out to help others.

--Liz

[Guest guest]

> Some possible reasons for the lack of research:

>

> - both spectrum and gender identity are fairly new research topics. It

generally takes several decades for a substantial body of research to be

created.

>

> - there's no money it it. With the economy as bad as it is, there is very

little money for research unless the funder can use it to make a profit. Even

the government has no money for social research like this -- and with so many

political conservatives, I doubt anyone would be willing to spend government

money of anything even accepting the existence of gender diversity.

That's exactly it, Liz. The same is true for many forms of alternative

medicine. Big Pharma has such a stranglehold on the market (not to

mention the FDA) that it is not in their best interests to support or

facilitate research that might offer healthier alternatives to the

public (unless they can patent it, of course). Just because there are

no studies doesn't mean that a therapy or supplement is ineffective though.

Best,

~CJ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let your wise mind be governing your words, not your emotions.

[Guest guest]

> Oh, did we mention orientation issues above? After a few almost sexless years

when our kids were very high need babies, he gave up on sex with me and started

answering CraigsList personals from men, mostly for humiliation and BDSM.

Eventually I found out, and he couldn't admit his activity to me, and he

appeared to be in deep denial to himself as well. As I said, I refuse to live in

anyone's closet.

I move in circles with some very complex orientation and relationship

issues, and what you describe seems to be very commonplace.

Some couples are able to be open about their differing orientations and

proclivities and find solutions where they can both get their needs met.

Yet that requires a great deal of maturity, sensitivity, and

above-average communication and relationship skills. Let's face it, the

vast majority of the population struggles in that respect. It seems

that for most folks in this dilemma, having an affair and remaining in

denial is just easier than doing the hard work of exercising restraint

and meeting their partner/spouse halfway in a manner that provides a

win-win for both.

Best,

~CJ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let your wise mind be governing your words, not your emotions.