Re: AS/NS rules for survival in a relationship

[Guest guest]

Hi Will...welcome to Aspires.. I hope you find what you seek here.

> >

> > >>> ... I think (just my opinion tho .. I'd love to hear from NS males on

this

> > >>> one) that if problems arise in an AS female/NT male partnership, that

the

> > >>> female AS spouse has far more problems than just the AS.

> > -----------------------

> >

> > Hello Helen!

> >

> > I'm a new (male) NS-member living in the UK! My thoughts may be of interest.

> >

> > I joined the group some time ago but haven't had time to participate. I have

a

> > little more time now so have been reading the recent postings to try and get

an

> > understanding of the main group interests. I haven't seen anything that

> > resembles the major difficulty involved in my NS-AS marriage. Here's some

> > background:

> >

> > I've been married for 15 years and my wife and I have always had significant

> > communication problems.

> >

> > My wife has had major problems throughout her life. She's dyslexic and, it

> > appears, was regularly labelled " stupid " during her schooldays and by people

she

> > met in later life - and she grew up thinking this was true. It's become

clear to

> > me over the years that *our* communication problems seem to stem from this

> > dyslexia, indeed, as time has gone on I've realised that there's MUCH MORE

to

> > dyslexia than *just* problems with the written word. For example, my wife

> > [sometimes] has problems understanding *exactly* what I might be saying [the

> > words that come out of my mouth] and, conversely, the words that come out of

her

> > mouth [sometimes] don't represent *exactly* what she's trying to say. Most

of

> > the time, these 'confusions' don't become clear to me until we are two or

three

> > sentences into the conversation and by then it's usually impossible to

> > back-track and clear up the confusion and move on to a coherent discussion.

> >

> > There are many, many other aspects of my wife's behaviour that have caused

much

> > anguish [to both of us] over the years but the situation has been

transformed

> > over the last six months by the realisation [of both of us] that my wife is

" on

> > the spectrum " , probably with some variation of Asperger's, certainly many of

the

> > indicators found in the standard Aspergers checklists apply to her. This

> > knowledge and understanding of the reality underlying our difficulties has

been

> > a great help and our communication problems are now much improved as a

result.

> >

> > Some of the articles I've discovered recently have been real eye-openers. In

> > particular, the " Impacts-and-Deficits-in-NT-ASD-Relationships " has been very

> > useful [thanks, CJ]. The communication problems my wife and I have had over

the

> > years have taken their toll on me and, sometimes, I've become very stressed.

But

> > it now seems clear that I have OTRS. It's no exaggeration to say that this

> > realisation together with the table and follow-up research I've undertaken

has

> > transformed our lives.

> >

> > -----------------------

> > Helen, you write, " AS females tend to be more pragmatic and less emotionally

> > demanding. and also have fewer communication challenges than their AS male

> > counterparts. "

> >

> > In my experience, dealing with my wife and two similarly affected mature

> > step-daughters, the challenges I've had to grapple with over the last 20

years

> > are not dissimilar to those I've seen described by your members discussing

their

> > AS male partners. In particular, the recent exchange sums up my experience

with

> > the daughters very well indeed.

> >

> > *******

> > LIZ: Anyway, in the audience at my friend's panel was a woman I can only

> > describe as a militant Aspie. She was constantly interrupting, making

demands

> > that the NT world had to unconditionally accept her, declaring that the

world

> > had to change to fit her needs, ..

> > CJ: . Unfortunately, I've met a lot of folks like this within the AS

community.

> > Militant, angry, bitter, with a chip on their shoulder a mile wide, and

inviting

> > rejection at every turn. Thoroughly obnoxious individuals without a clue who

are

> > absolutely convinced of their Rightness, who are inclined to argue every

little

> > thing, strongly asserting opinions that are anything but informed.

> > HELEN: .. Unfortunately, the same kind of alienating behaviors that caused

them

> > social difficulty are now the ones they wear as a badge of pride. They

confuse

> > assertiveness (standing one's ground) with violating others sensibilities

and

> > boundaries - over and over again. " That's the way I am, " they now think.

" Take

> > it or leave it. " And sadly, a great number of others are going to leave it.

..

> > Unfortunately, you have no opportunity to tell people like her the things

that

> > could help them. They are so hypervigilant towards anything that smacks of

> > criticism that they equate it with an attack on the very essence of their

being.

> > So they go on blithely offending and alienating, being shunned, and destined

to

> > never know why. ...

> > *******

> >

> > Best,

> > Will

>