AS and Choice

[Guest guest]

Hi Steve,

Thanks for your response. I have changed the subject line

and should have done that earlier.

Our roles are reversed a bit. I am NT and am very aware of

AS. I have been reading and learning about it for 10+ years. My

partner is not diagnosed, but has many, many AS traits. Sometimes I feel

we spend too much time on labels in the world. My partner does not want

to be labeled – he also refers to not wanting to be broken. I think

that in his mind, label = negative = broken. I have said more times than

I can count that being AS is simply a different way of thinking – not bad

or good, but different. He goes negative and the discussion breaks down

and he slams his ears closed, his eyes closed and we get nowhere. For me,

I don’t care what it is called – AS is just a way of describing a

group of behaviors some of which apply and some of which may not apply –

it is only a place to start a conversation and work toward a solution. I

have also likened it to speaking different languages – Spanish for

instance being no better or worse than French, just different. The two

language speakers just need to begin understanding some words in each other’s

languages in order to begin straightening out misunderstandings and

mysteries. The conversation on ASPIRES has also been about Cassandra syndrome,

which I have always really related to – not because I know or do not know

that it is correct or incorrect or started with Aston, Atwood, or &

. What I do care about is that the description is something that I

relate to – that describes something and some feelings that I have

experienced. Again, just a place to start a conversation and work toward

a solution.

My question to you stemmed from the power of choice in AS

thinking. My partner believes he has none. I believe that he does

indeed have the power of choice. Because it is NT/AS I suspect that it is

somewhere in the middle. I don’t know. I do know that I

believe that he has a choice to indeed so some things and that he chooses not

to. We can go into the reasons at another time, but I do not believe that

the reason is that someone with AS cannot choose their behavior to a large

extent. We have much, much water under the bridge as Helen does, so

certainly a piece of the frustration when he or I try is that it is not

recognized/wanted/acknowledged. There has been so much between us that it

is hard to trust that a positive movement is indeed that. Plus there is

the exhaustion of the past – sometimes I want something – really –

and if it might happen, by that point I am just emotionally worn out. I

just don’t care.

I generally do not write on the list and do not want to make

this long, but let me tell you about Valentine’s Day. We had been

having terrible communication for weeks. The weekend before V Day I heard

nothing from him. For years, I have asked him to call me mid day to check

in, etc. say hi. He never did. On the Monday before Valentine’s

day, he calls midday to just check in. OK….

On Valentine’s Day he calls again midday – what did

I want to do? He shows up 30 minutes late that evening. With a

dozen roses and a card. The card was really sugary and valentiney –

plus it sand a song. Well, this is the exact thing that many women want

and get and it leads to all kinds of Hallmark things. Were the flowers

beautiful – yes. When I saw and heard the card, I asked him if he

read it (and he proceeded to do that), all words that I had begged to hear from

him for months…years. Did I want those things, yes – but I

did not want to have battled and begged for them for years.

Nor did I want to be sad because I felt he had the choice all

the time – every day – to do those things, but did not. He

chose to make me ask and ask. Yes, would I have done that naturally –

probably so. Is it natural for him – probably not. But does

he have a choice to do something to remember some of these things sometimes –

make a list, etc. Yes, I think he does.

So that is the question. Is there a choice of behavior in

the mix? If he can do it when he does stop and think, couldn’t

that be more regular.

And my question to me – can I get to the point where I am

not too exhausted with the behavior to care again.

Sorry for the trail of thoughts. It is just the grief at

the loss.

Cheryl

From:

aspires-relationships

[mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of BassMan_720

Sent: Monday, March 05, 2012 9:22 AM

To: aspires-relationships

Subject: Re: " Cassandra and Apollo "

(Maxine Aston) -Workshop feedback

Hi Cheryl.

My situation is very clear cut and not part of my often mistaken AS

perspective. My wife reacted very badly to the realisation that I have AS.

We've known for about 18 months now and in that time I have beeen looking for

ways to compensate for my natural behaviour.

My wife has made it clear that I have to sort myself out on my own, because

this is my problem. She has no intention of working with me.

She has also stated very clearly that she still cares for me but she no longer

loves me and that we live in the same house only for the sake of our daughters.

It has also. Been made very clear by word of mouth and in writing that I must

not do anything to show any emotion or feelings that I have for her as this

" puts her under pressure " . (I do not understand the last and often made

statement.)

The outlook is not good. I sincerely hope that this account has no analogy with

your own situation.

I can however understand where your partner is coming from. When I had a

relationship, before realising about my AS, I could get very frustrated when efforts

to be close to my wife and show her support were rejected. It is difficult fot

NTs to understand their partner's needs and feelings from time to time. I now

know that my AS made it even more difficult for me to understand when and what

kind of support, if any, that my wife needed. More often than not I would read

the signs very wrong and feel as though the negetive reaction was aimed at me

because of something that I had done, which I now know was not necessarly the

case.

Best wishes

Steve

>

> Hi Steve,

>

> Interesting that you say you are not permitted to try to connect

> emotionally.

>

> My partner will say " you will not let me be there for you " and I

respond

> that being there on any level is not my choice to make FOR him but his

> choice to make for himself.

>

> I would be very interested in a further description of your perspective to

> help me understand this difference better.

>

> Thanks!

>

>

> Cheryl - NT