Re: Shutting down when the going gets tough

[Guest guest]

Hi, Judy

I am mostly a listener on this site, as my 22 y.o. son has AS, and it's pretty

much AS and partners on this group, but I garnish SOOO much useful information

from all of you folks' wisdom that I continue to be an eavesdropper.

Anyway, my point in writing is to say to you, Judy, that I love your posts and

really appreciate the depth that you go into - for yourself and for Ian. Your

thoughtful, insightful, funny and very real responses have been extremely

helpful to me in understanding more about my son. So, just wanted to deliver a

heartfelt thanks for this recent post, and all the ones that have helped me to

understanding our son. I often tell my partner, " I hope can find

somebody like Judy S. from Scotland to help guide him through life " .

Sorry to hear about your work difficulties. I'll put a prayer in for things to

work out for you.

be Well,,

Val

> >I definitely have a very good support system in place, so if he does fail me

at some point in the birthing process, I will have good backup. As for farther

down the road, I guess we will just have to deal with issues as they come.

> ** Awesome to see you have the kind of support system you have. I think it's

always good to have a " Plan B " as often as possible. When I was younger, I could

have seen myself being like the " what do I do? what do I do? what do I do? " ever

continuous cycle. One thing I learned about living with AS is my inability of

having a Plan B, because of the literal and linear nature of doing things all

the time. As the " light bulb " came on in my life, I began to " get it " about the

need to " Plan B. " And this wouldn't become any clearer than when I began to date

my best friend - a single parent with two special needs kids (and now with three

grandchildren who live with her as of a couple of weeks ago). Talk about the

need to adapt to a lot of change happening quickly! This wouldn't have been

possible for me even a couple of years ago.

>

> > I really wonder why AS dads are so unstable about procreation/children

though??? It really boggles my mind...my husband is a really good uncle to his

nephews and he is adorable when he plays with children, but he does seem to get

tired after an hour or two of such activities.

> ** My thinking is of the energy used with being around others and the social

sensitivities involved. People with AS (myself included) are or have been known

to be in isolated environment for a good amount at a time. Quoting myself in the

Chattanooga Pulse (Vol 8, Issue 34, August 25, 2011), " Due to the sensory

challenges that someone with AS/HFA may have during the day, it's easy for the

person to be overwhelmed at work (or anywhere else - around other relatives,

perhaps in your husband's case), causing them to go home and stay there. "

>

> Being around other people can take a lot out of someone with AS, because of

the energy used in social activities like maintaining a conversation or spending

time around other people. That could explain why he may tire out after 1-2

hours, while being like an uncle to other relatives.

>

> > Before we found out he had AS I just assumed he would be a good dad since I

had seen him behaving so wonderfully around kids...he said it's completely

different when it's his own kid though. So what is the issue with having

children for the AS dad? I guess one of you mentioned there hasn't been any

research on this, so it's anyone's guess at this point.

> ** My guess goes along like this. AS dad grew up as a special needs child and

developmentally delayed moreso than other non-spectrum kids. As a result, his

development came along slower than other kids his age, as much as 20-25% slower

than other kids. Thus, the things the other kids learned growing into adulthood,

he wasn't quite there yet. S/he might have known intellectually what it was to

be a parent from what s/he read, but emotionally and such, s/he doesn't know how

to parent a child like the non-spectrum parent would. And.. because being around

your own child as an AS parent requires daily energy (and much more of it than

simply visiting relatives for an hour or two), the issues arise with being an AS

parent of a child for the non-spectrum spouse - similar to the question you

posed.

>

> My guess is that partially explains why the non-spectrum spouse gets upset and

angry at the spectrum spouse about raising their own kids. He/she spent so much

time at work doing whatever, that he/she feels the need to " shut down " and

isolate when coming home. This, along with other things in their relationship,

builds up over time. If the non-AS spouse does *not* have a support system,

he/she becomes a " shell " of self over time and ends up needing a lot more

psychological help than previously thought.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Judy,

I echo vonstep's reply, almost word for word my own thoughts. Thank you for your

posts.

Bob