Re: does a marital relationship work, if one has no trust into whatsoeever?

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. I will pray for you to find peace. The tsunami is a hard place to be!! With time, I hope your emotions will settle down and you will know the best thing for you.Trusting the relationship is so very hard after being burned. I know!! Sometimes, we have to trust ourselves and believe things will improve. Good luck and take care of yourself.LM

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tuesday, May 22, 2012 2:20 AM Subject: does a marital relationship work, if one has no trust into whatsoeever?

Hi,

after yesterday, I am in a tsunami of feelings and would like to stear clear again.

I need some sicere input how to handle such a relationship.

This post will be long, because I am not sure, what I can leave out without destroying the "picture".

I love my husband, and have gone through a lot of things to make this work, and now I am not sure, if I can really make enough effort to win his trust.

we do have big problems in our relationship, on and off.

We had a very rough start because both of us had our single traumatic experiences with people close to us. in his case his mother, who broke his trust when he was about 6 or seven years old, she always let him know, that he is worth nothing, that he is sick and disturbed and not lovable, and he began to hat everyone, including himself, because he is sure, everyone hates him, so he has to, too.

I have grown up with a choleric father and get shellshock symptoms whenever anyone in my surrounding expresses anger by yelling and pounding things or even yelling at me, I cant act in any way, just freexe and hope, it is over soon, maybe I start crying and thats it, just retreat inside, and be gone.

In addition I have been abused sexually for over 8 years, which makes me unable to relax when exchanging hugs and such.

Whenever he feels hostility against him , he gets really tantrumy, I say feels hostility, because in many situations, where we are together and this happens with a third person offending him, I dont see, why.

Yesterday, it was a situation where we went to an attourney to get some input in how we can destress our housing situation for me ( because I cant live like this any more with him being angry at the tenants two floors down from us who have really changed, but are a loud family nonetheless. So husband frets about every vacation time the kids have, because then, they are home all day, running around in the apartment-.

Our days consist of him "waiting" for the kids to be something to get angry at, and I am kind of "waiting" for his next tantrum.), and it turned out, with our low income, we would be eligible for help from the state. The attourney had asked, why we were not applying for it (another story, husband will never apply for such funding, because he is not willing to "jump through their hoops"), so there is financial woes, also.

The attourney then talked to me and told me, that I alone can apply for this funding, if I want to (so the agency needs to be told, we want separation, and he made clear, that it was up to me and husband how much time we spend together, and who spends the night at whose place then, so no separation fir us, but only for the agency, so I can have my refuge to go to, when I feel, I cant be together)and that it would be my husbands problem then, if they get to him and want forms filled out and if he would not fill them out properly, that then maybe the tax office will give him grief, but that this would be husbands problem, not mine!

Husband lost it right there, and was getting loud, so the attourney had asked him to leave the room.

I am torn between my need to get information and sticking to husband. There was something the attourney had said right before they got at each other, that I had not understood and wanted to before I would have left, and husband took that as "everyone in this room thinks, I am an idiot and not right in my head".

So after we had left that room (only this one unclarity had been cleared, then we left), husband yelled at me, that after that "Talk" he was quite ready to file for divorce himself, (I had never talked about that, and the "separation" the attourney had mentioned was what the agency would need to fund this "need" of ours)

I am breaking under that pressure, and then husband topped it in

1) having this tantrum

2) telling me he wants the divorce

3) after I had told him, that I wanted that written down, if he really wanted it, he sayid "I dont care, no!"

4) he drove like a maniac

5) he then repeated that before I file for separation and leave him, he rather does it himself

6) I then retreated to my favourite tree to have a cry and sort my feelings and my need of safety which I cant have in the apartment with all the traces of former tantrums, he did not leave me alone there (a pattern that repeats itself, he breaks my spirits and then he does not let me "lick my wounds", if I insist on being left alone, he nags and nags until "we talk")

7) he ten told me, that he was certain, we all thought him to be an idiot, so he "preventively" acted up. And that he was sure, we were ganging up against him.

8) that he never will be able to think and trust, that there are people who stick to him.

Sorry, I need long time to sort this out, but the no trust issue is the bigges right now.

How can a "trusting relationship" work, if one side is not capable of it??

Every input and clarification questions welcome

I am very hurt right now, and want to crawl under a rock and never be seen again, but know that this is not a very healthy thing to do.

nana.

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. I will pray for you to find peace. The tsunami is a hard place to be!! With time, I hope your emotions will settle down and you will know the best thing for you.Trusting the relationship is so very hard after being burned. I know!! Sometimes, we have to trust ourselves and believe things will improve. Good luck and take care of yourself.LM

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tuesday, May 22, 2012 2:20 AM Subject: does a marital relationship work, if one has no trust into whatsoeever?

Hi,

after yesterday, I am in a tsunami of feelings and would like to stear clear again.

I need some sicere input how to handle such a relationship.

This post will be long, because I am not sure, what I can leave out without destroying the "picture".

I love my husband, and have gone through a lot of things to make this work, and now I am not sure, if I can really make enough effort to win his trust.

we do have big problems in our relationship, on and off.

We had a very rough start because both of us had our single traumatic experiences with people close to us. in his case his mother, who broke his trust when he was about 6 or seven years old, she always let him know, that he is worth nothing, that he is sick and disturbed and not lovable, and he began to hat everyone, including himself, because he is sure, everyone hates him, so he has to, too.

I have grown up with a choleric father and get shellshock symptoms whenever anyone in my surrounding expresses anger by yelling and pounding things or even yelling at me, I cant act in any way, just freexe and hope, it is over soon, maybe I start crying and thats it, just retreat inside, and be gone.

In addition I have been abused sexually for over 8 years, which makes me unable to relax when exchanging hugs and such.

Whenever he feels hostility against him , he gets really tantrumy, I say feels hostility, because in many situations, where we are together and this happens with a third person offending him, I dont see, why.

Yesterday, it was a situation where we went to an attourney to get some input in how we can destress our housing situation for me ( because I cant live like this any more with him being angry at the tenants two floors down from us who have really changed, but are a loud family nonetheless. So husband frets about every vacation time the kids have, because then, they are home all day, running around in the apartment-.

Our days consist of him "waiting" for the kids to be something to get angry at, and I am kind of "waiting" for his next tantrum.), and it turned out, with our low income, we would be eligible for help from the state. The attourney had asked, why we were not applying for it (another story, husband will never apply for such funding, because he is not willing to "jump through their hoops"), so there is financial woes, also.

The attourney then talked to me and told me, that I alone can apply for this funding, if I want to (so the agency needs to be told, we want separation, and he made clear, that it was up to me and husband how much time we spend together, and who spends the night at whose place then, so no separation fir us, but only for the agency, so I can have my refuge to go to, when I feel, I cant be together)and that it would be my husbands problem then, if they get to him and want forms filled out and if he would not fill them out properly, that then maybe the tax office will give him grief, but that this would be husbands problem, not mine!

Husband lost it right there, and was getting loud, so the attourney had asked him to leave the room.

I am torn between my need to get information and sticking to husband. There was something the attourney had said right before they got at each other, that I had not understood and wanted to before I would have left, and husband took that as "everyone in this room thinks, I am an idiot and not right in my head".

So after we had left that room (only this one unclarity had been cleared, then we left), husband yelled at me, that after that "Talk" he was quite ready to file for divorce himself, (I had never talked about that, and the "separation" the attourney had mentioned was what the agency would need to fund this "need" of ours)

I am breaking under that pressure, and then husband topped it in

1) having this tantrum

2) telling me he wants the divorce

3) after I had told him, that I wanted that written down, if he really wanted it, he sayid "I dont care, no!"

4) he drove like a maniac

5) he then repeated that before I file for separation and leave him, he rather does it himself

6) I then retreated to my favourite tree to have a cry and sort my feelings and my need of safety which I cant have in the apartment with all the traces of former tantrums, he did not leave me alone there (a pattern that repeats itself, he breaks my spirits and then he does not let me "lick my wounds", if I insist on being left alone, he nags and nags until "we talk")

7) he ten told me, that he was certain, we all thought him to be an idiot, so he "preventively" acted up. And that he was sure, we were ganging up against him.

8) that he never will be able to think and trust, that there are people who stick to him.

Sorry, I need long time to sort this out, but the no trust issue is the bigges right now.

How can a "trusting relationship" work, if one side is not capable of it??

Every input and clarification questions welcome

I am very hurt right now, and want to crawl under a rock and never be seen again, but know that this is not a very healthy thing to do.

nana.

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. I will pray for you to find peace. The tsunami is a hard place to be!! With time, I hope your emotions will settle down and you will know the best thing for you.Trusting the relationship is so very hard after being burned. I know!! Sometimes, we have to trust ourselves and believe things will improve. Good luck and take care of yourself.LM

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Tuesday, May 22, 2012 2:20 AM Subject: does a marital relationship work, if one has no trust into whatsoeever?

Hi,

after yesterday, I am in a tsunami of feelings and would like to stear clear again.

I need some sicere input how to handle such a relationship.

This post will be long, because I am not sure, what I can leave out without destroying the "picture".

I love my husband, and have gone through a lot of things to make this work, and now I am not sure, if I can really make enough effort to win his trust.

we do have big problems in our relationship, on and off.

We had a very rough start because both of us had our single traumatic experiences with people close to us. in his case his mother, who broke his trust when he was about 6 or seven years old, she always let him know, that he is worth nothing, that he is sick and disturbed and not lovable, and he began to hat everyone, including himself, because he is sure, everyone hates him, so he has to, too.

I have grown up with a choleric father and get shellshock symptoms whenever anyone in my surrounding expresses anger by yelling and pounding things or even yelling at me, I cant act in any way, just freexe and hope, it is over soon, maybe I start crying and thats it, just retreat inside, and be gone.

In addition I have been abused sexually for over 8 years, which makes me unable to relax when exchanging hugs and such.

Whenever he feels hostility against him , he gets really tantrumy, I say feels hostility, because in many situations, where we are together and this happens with a third person offending him, I dont see, why.

Yesterday, it was a situation where we went to an attourney to get some input in how we can destress our housing situation for me ( because I cant live like this any more with him being angry at the tenants two floors down from us who have really changed, but are a loud family nonetheless. So husband frets about every vacation time the kids have, because then, they are home all day, running around in the apartment-.

Our days consist of him "waiting" for the kids to be something to get angry at, and I am kind of "waiting" for his next tantrum.), and it turned out, with our low income, we would be eligible for help from the state. The attourney had asked, why we were not applying for it (another story, husband will never apply for such funding, because he is not willing to "jump through their hoops"), so there is financial woes, also.

The attourney then talked to me and told me, that I alone can apply for this funding, if I want to (so the agency needs to be told, we want separation, and he made clear, that it was up to me and husband how much time we spend together, and who spends the night at whose place then, so no separation fir us, but only for the agency, so I can have my refuge to go to, when I feel, I cant be together)and that it would be my husbands problem then, if they get to him and want forms filled out and if he would not fill them out properly, that then maybe the tax office will give him grief, but that this would be husbands problem, not mine!

Husband lost it right there, and was getting loud, so the attourney had asked him to leave the room.

I am torn between my need to get information and sticking to husband. There was something the attourney had said right before they got at each other, that I had not understood and wanted to before I would have left, and husband took that as "everyone in this room thinks, I am an idiot and not right in my head".

So after we had left that room (only this one unclarity had been cleared, then we left), husband yelled at me, that after that "Talk" he was quite ready to file for divorce himself, (I had never talked about that, and the "separation" the attourney had mentioned was what the agency would need to fund this "need" of ours)

I am breaking under that pressure, and then husband topped it in

1) having this tantrum

2) telling me he wants the divorce

3) after I had told him, that I wanted that written down, if he really wanted it, he sayid "I dont care, no!"

4) he drove like a maniac

5) he then repeated that before I file for separation and leave him, he rather does it himself

6) I then retreated to my favourite tree to have a cry and sort my feelings and my need of safety which I cant have in the apartment with all the traces of former tantrums, he did not leave me alone there (a pattern that repeats itself, he breaks my spirits and then he does not let me "lick my wounds", if I insist on being left alone, he nags and nags until "we talk")

7) he ten told me, that he was certain, we all thought him to be an idiot, so he "preventively" acted up. And that he was sure, we were ganging up against him.

8) that he never will be able to think and trust, that there are people who stick to him.

Sorry, I need long time to sort this out, but the no trust issue is the bigges right now.

How can a "trusting relationship" work, if one side is not capable of it??

Every input and clarification questions welcome

I am very hurt right now, and want to crawl under a rock and never be seen again, but know that this is not a very healthy thing to do.

nana.

[Guest guest]

Hi Nana -

First and foremost, sending you massive e-hugs and real empathy. I am so sorry

you are clearly in quite a bit of pain and upset.

I have a couple of questions:

1: Which of you is the Aspie, or is it both.

2: How long have you been together.

3: Has this behaviour always been a feature of the relationship, or has it

developed and worstened over time.

I have had similar with my hubby, although I am lucky that he's not so

demonstrative in terms of anger - retreating into himself leaving me to worry

myself sick about what is actually wrong.

To be honest, unless your partner is willing to actually make efforts to work on

the relationship, it's going to be dead in the water. And the one bit of decent

advice my mother gave me is 'if there's more bad times than good times, then get

out'. It's a good rule of thumb. You can't remain with him trying to mend his

problems, if he's not willing to actually make any effort himself. A

relationship, in my mind, should be based on:

1: Both being eachother's number one fan.

2: both aiming to make sure the other person has the best experience in the

relationship possible.

3: Being realistic that we are all crap at making effort at times, and that we

screw up, but being willing to climb back on the wagon to continue with the

above two aims.

4: Respecting your partner when they tell you that something isn't working for

them and being willing to take is seriously and work on it together.

You might also find stuff on cassandra 'syndrome' or asperger affective disorder

or whatever it's called(!) helpful.

http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/research/Affective%20Deprivation.pdf

Good luck and cheers,

Becky

>

> Hi,

>

> after yesterday, I am in a tsunami of feelings and would like to stear clear

again.

>

> I need some sicere input how to handle such a relationship.

>

> This post will be long, because I am not sure, what I can leave out without

destroying the " picture " .

>

> I love my husband, and have gone through a lot of things to make this work,

and now I am not sure, if I can really make enough effort to win his trust.

> we do have big problems in our relationship, on and off.

> We had a very rough start because both of us had our single traumatic

experiences with people close to us. in his case his mother, who broke his trust

when he was about 6 or seven years old, she always let him know, that he is

worth nothing, that he is sick and disturbed and not lovable, and he began to

hat everyone, including himself, because he is sure, everyone hates him, so he

has to, too.

>

> I have grown up with a choleric father and get shellshock symptoms whenever

anyone in my surrounding expresses anger by yelling and pounding things or even

yelling at me, I cant act in any way, just freexe and hope, it is over soon,

maybe I start crying and thats it, just retreat inside, and be gone.

> In addition I have been abused sexually for over 8 years, which makes me

unable to relax when exchanging hugs and such.

>

> Whenever he feels hostility against him , he gets really tantrumy, I say feels

hostility, because in many situations, where we are together and this happens

with a third person offending him, I dont see, why.

>

> Yesterday, it was a situation where we went to an attourney to get some input

in how we can destress our housing situation for me ( because I cant live like

this any more with him being angry at the tenants two floors down from us who

have really changed, but are a loud family nonetheless. So husband frets about

every vacation time the kids have, because then, they are home all day, running

around in the apartment-.

> Our days consist of him " waiting " for the kids to be something to get angry

at, and I am kind of " waiting " for his next tantrum.), and it turned out, with

our low income, we would be eligible for help from the state. The attourney had

asked, why we were not applying for it (another story, husband will never apply

for such funding, because he is not willing to " jump through their hoops " ), so

there is financial woes, also.

>

> The attourney then talked to me and told me, that I alone can apply for this

funding, if I want to (so the agency needs to be told, we want separation, and

he made clear, that it was up to me and husband how much time we spend together,

and who spends the night at whose place then, so no separation fir us, but only

for the agency, so I can have my refuge to go to, when I feel, I cant be

together)and that it would be my husbands problem then, if they get to him and

want forms filled out and if he would not fill them out properly, that then

maybe the tax office will give him grief, but that this would be husbands

problem, not mine!

> Husband lost it right there, and was getting loud, so the attourney had asked

him to leave the room.

> I am torn between my need to get information and sticking to husband. There

was something the attourney had said right before they got at each other, that I

had not understood and wanted to before I would have left, and husband took that

as " everyone in this room thinks, I am an idiot and not right in my head " .

> So after we had left that room (only this one unclarity had been cleared, then

we left), husband yelled at me, that after that " Talk " he was quite ready to

file for divorce himself, (I had never talked about that, and the " separation "

the attourney had mentioned was what the agency would need to fund this " need "

of ours)

>

> I am breaking under that pressure, and then husband topped it in

> 1) having this tantrum

> 2) telling me he wants the divorce

> 3) after I had told him, that I wanted that written down, if he really wanted

it, he sayid " I dont care, no! "

> 4) he drove like a maniac

> 5) he then repeated that before I file for separation and leave him, he rather

does it himself

> 6) I then retreated to my favourite tree to have a cry and sort my feelings

and my need of safety which I cant have in the apartment with all the traces of

former tantrums, he did not leave me alone there (a pattern that repeats itself,

he breaks my spirits and then he does not let me " lick my wounds " , if I insist

on being left alone, he nags and nags until " we talk " )

> 7) he ten told me, that he was certain, we all thought him to be an idiot, so

he " preventively " acted up. And that he was sure, we were ganging up against

him.

> 8) that he never will be able to think and trust, that there are people who

stick to him.

>

>

> Sorry, I need long time to sort this out, but the no trust issue is the bigges

right now.

>

> How can a " trusting relationship " work, if one side is not capable of it??

>

> Every input and clarification questions welcome

> I am very hurt right now, and want to crawl under a rock and never be seen

again, but know that this is not a very healthy thing to do.

> nana.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Nana -

First and foremost, sending you massive e-hugs and real empathy. I am so sorry

you are clearly in quite a bit of pain and upset.

I have a couple of questions:

1: Which of you is the Aspie, or is it both.

2: How long have you been together.

3: Has this behaviour always been a feature of the relationship, or has it

developed and worstened over time.

I have had similar with my hubby, although I am lucky that he's not so

demonstrative in terms of anger - retreating into himself leaving me to worry

myself sick about what is actually wrong.

To be honest, unless your partner is willing to actually make efforts to work on

the relationship, it's going to be dead in the water. And the one bit of decent

advice my mother gave me is 'if there's more bad times than good times, then get

out'. It's a good rule of thumb. You can't remain with him trying to mend his

problems, if he's not willing to actually make any effort himself. A

relationship, in my mind, should be based on:

1: Both being eachother's number one fan.

2: both aiming to make sure the other person has the best experience in the

relationship possible.

3: Being realistic that we are all crap at making effort at times, and that we

screw up, but being willing to climb back on the wagon to continue with the

above two aims.

4: Respecting your partner when they tell you that something isn't working for

them and being willing to take is seriously and work on it together.

You might also find stuff on cassandra 'syndrome' or asperger affective disorder

or whatever it's called(!) helpful.

http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/research/Affective%20Deprivation.pdf

Good luck and cheers,

Becky

>

> Hi,

>

> after yesterday, I am in a tsunami of feelings and would like to stear clear

again.

>

> I need some sicere input how to handle such a relationship.

>

> This post will be long, because I am not sure, what I can leave out without

destroying the " picture " .

>

> I love my husband, and have gone through a lot of things to make this work,

and now I am not sure, if I can really make enough effort to win his trust.

> we do have big problems in our relationship, on and off.

> We had a very rough start because both of us had our single traumatic

experiences with people close to us. in his case his mother, who broke his trust

when he was about 6 or seven years old, she always let him know, that he is

worth nothing, that he is sick and disturbed and not lovable, and he began to

hat everyone, including himself, because he is sure, everyone hates him, so he

has to, too.

>

> I have grown up with a choleric father and get shellshock symptoms whenever

anyone in my surrounding expresses anger by yelling and pounding things or even

yelling at me, I cant act in any way, just freexe and hope, it is over soon,

maybe I start crying and thats it, just retreat inside, and be gone.

> In addition I have been abused sexually for over 8 years, which makes me

unable to relax when exchanging hugs and such.

>

> Whenever he feels hostility against him , he gets really tantrumy, I say feels

hostility, because in many situations, where we are together and this happens

with a third person offending him, I dont see, why.

>

> Yesterday, it was a situation where we went to an attourney to get some input

in how we can destress our housing situation for me ( because I cant live like

this any more with him being angry at the tenants two floors down from us who

have really changed, but are a loud family nonetheless. So husband frets about

every vacation time the kids have, because then, they are home all day, running

around in the apartment-.

> Our days consist of him " waiting " for the kids to be something to get angry

at, and I am kind of " waiting " for his next tantrum.), and it turned out, with

our low income, we would be eligible for help from the state. The attourney had

asked, why we were not applying for it (another story, husband will never apply

for such funding, because he is not willing to " jump through their hoops " ), so

there is financial woes, also.

>

> The attourney then talked to me and told me, that I alone can apply for this

funding, if I want to (so the agency needs to be told, we want separation, and

he made clear, that it was up to me and husband how much time we spend together,

and who spends the night at whose place then, so no separation fir us, but only

for the agency, so I can have my refuge to go to, when I feel, I cant be

together)and that it would be my husbands problem then, if they get to him and

want forms filled out and if he would not fill them out properly, that then

maybe the tax office will give him grief, but that this would be husbands

problem, not mine!

> Husband lost it right there, and was getting loud, so the attourney had asked

him to leave the room.

> I am torn between my need to get information and sticking to husband. There

was something the attourney had said right before they got at each other, that I

had not understood and wanted to before I would have left, and husband took that

as " everyone in this room thinks, I am an idiot and not right in my head " .

> So after we had left that room (only this one unclarity had been cleared, then

we left), husband yelled at me, that after that " Talk " he was quite ready to

file for divorce himself, (I had never talked about that, and the " separation "

the attourney had mentioned was what the agency would need to fund this " need "

of ours)

>

> I am breaking under that pressure, and then husband topped it in

> 1) having this tantrum

> 2) telling me he wants the divorce

> 3) after I had told him, that I wanted that written down, if he really wanted

it, he sayid " I dont care, no! "

> 4) he drove like a maniac

> 5) he then repeated that before I file for separation and leave him, he rather

does it himself

> 6) I then retreated to my favourite tree to have a cry and sort my feelings

and my need of safety which I cant have in the apartment with all the traces of

former tantrums, he did not leave me alone there (a pattern that repeats itself,

he breaks my spirits and then he does not let me " lick my wounds " , if I insist

on being left alone, he nags and nags until " we talk " )

> 7) he ten told me, that he was certain, we all thought him to be an idiot, so

he " preventively " acted up. And that he was sure, we were ganging up against

him.

> 8) that he never will be able to think and trust, that there are people who

stick to him.

>

>

> Sorry, I need long time to sort this out, but the no trust issue is the bigges

right now.

>

> How can a " trusting relationship " work, if one side is not capable of it??

>

> Every input and clarification questions welcome

> I am very hurt right now, and want to crawl under a rock and never be seen

again, but know that this is not a very healthy thing to do.

> nana.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Nana -

First and foremost, sending you massive e-hugs and real empathy. I am so sorry

you are clearly in quite a bit of pain and upset.

I have a couple of questions:

1: Which of you is the Aspie, or is it both.

2: How long have you been together.

3: Has this behaviour always been a feature of the relationship, or has it

developed and worstened over time.

I have had similar with my hubby, although I am lucky that he's not so

demonstrative in terms of anger - retreating into himself leaving me to worry

myself sick about what is actually wrong.

To be honest, unless your partner is willing to actually make efforts to work on

the relationship, it's going to be dead in the water. And the one bit of decent

advice my mother gave me is 'if there's more bad times than good times, then get

out'. It's a good rule of thumb. You can't remain with him trying to mend his

problems, if he's not willing to actually make any effort himself. A

relationship, in my mind, should be based on:

1: Both being eachother's number one fan.

2: both aiming to make sure the other person has the best experience in the

relationship possible.

3: Being realistic that we are all crap at making effort at times, and that we

screw up, but being willing to climb back on the wagon to continue with the

above two aims.

4: Respecting your partner when they tell you that something isn't working for

them and being willing to take is seriously and work on it together.

You might also find stuff on cassandra 'syndrome' or asperger affective disorder

or whatever it's called(!) helpful.

http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/research/Affective%20Deprivation.pdf

Good luck and cheers,

Becky

>

> Hi,

>

> after yesterday, I am in a tsunami of feelings and would like to stear clear

again.

>

> I need some sicere input how to handle such a relationship.

>

> This post will be long, because I am not sure, what I can leave out without

destroying the " picture " .

>

> I love my husband, and have gone through a lot of things to make this work,

and now I am not sure, if I can really make enough effort to win his trust.

> we do have big problems in our relationship, on and off.

> We had a very rough start because both of us had our single traumatic

experiences with people close to us. in his case his mother, who broke his trust

when he was about 6 or seven years old, she always let him know, that he is

worth nothing, that he is sick and disturbed and not lovable, and he began to

hat everyone, including himself, because he is sure, everyone hates him, so he

has to, too.

>

> I have grown up with a choleric father and get shellshock symptoms whenever

anyone in my surrounding expresses anger by yelling and pounding things or even

yelling at me, I cant act in any way, just freexe and hope, it is over soon,

maybe I start crying and thats it, just retreat inside, and be gone.

> In addition I have been abused sexually for over 8 years, which makes me

unable to relax when exchanging hugs and such.

>

> Whenever he feels hostility against him , he gets really tantrumy, I say feels

hostility, because in many situations, where we are together and this happens

with a third person offending him, I dont see, why.

>

> Yesterday, it was a situation where we went to an attourney to get some input

in how we can destress our housing situation for me ( because I cant live like

this any more with him being angry at the tenants two floors down from us who

have really changed, but are a loud family nonetheless. So husband frets about

every vacation time the kids have, because then, they are home all day, running

around in the apartment-.

> Our days consist of him " waiting " for the kids to be something to get angry

at, and I am kind of " waiting " for his next tantrum.), and it turned out, with

our low income, we would be eligible for help from the state. The attourney had

asked, why we were not applying for it (another story, husband will never apply

for such funding, because he is not willing to " jump through their hoops " ), so

there is financial woes, also.

>

> The attourney then talked to me and told me, that I alone can apply for this

funding, if I want to (so the agency needs to be told, we want separation, and

he made clear, that it was up to me and husband how much time we spend together,

and who spends the night at whose place then, so no separation fir us, but only

for the agency, so I can have my refuge to go to, when I feel, I cant be

together)and that it would be my husbands problem then, if they get to him and

want forms filled out and if he would not fill them out properly, that then

maybe the tax office will give him grief, but that this would be husbands

problem, not mine!

> Husband lost it right there, and was getting loud, so the attourney had asked

him to leave the room.

> I am torn between my need to get information and sticking to husband. There

was something the attourney had said right before they got at each other, that I

had not understood and wanted to before I would have left, and husband took that

as " everyone in this room thinks, I am an idiot and not right in my head " .

> So after we had left that room (only this one unclarity had been cleared, then

we left), husband yelled at me, that after that " Talk " he was quite ready to

file for divorce himself, (I had never talked about that, and the " separation "

the attourney had mentioned was what the agency would need to fund this " need "

of ours)

>

> I am breaking under that pressure, and then husband topped it in

> 1) having this tantrum

> 2) telling me he wants the divorce

> 3) after I had told him, that I wanted that written down, if he really wanted

it, he sayid " I dont care, no! "

> 4) he drove like a maniac

> 5) he then repeated that before I file for separation and leave him, he rather

does it himself

> 6) I then retreated to my favourite tree to have a cry and sort my feelings

and my need of safety which I cant have in the apartment with all the traces of

former tantrums, he did not leave me alone there (a pattern that repeats itself,

he breaks my spirits and then he does not let me " lick my wounds " , if I insist

on being left alone, he nags and nags until " we talk " )

> 7) he ten told me, that he was certain, we all thought him to be an idiot, so

he " preventively " acted up. And that he was sure, we were ganging up against

him.

> 8) that he never will be able to think and trust, that there are people who

stick to him.

>

>

> Sorry, I need long time to sort this out, but the no trust issue is the bigges

right now.

>

> How can a " trusting relationship " work, if one side is not capable of it??

>

> Every input and clarification questions welcome

> I am very hurt right now, and want to crawl under a rock and never be seen

again, but know that this is not a very healthy thing to do.

> nana.

>

[Guest guest]

>

> How can a " trusting relationship " work, if one side is not capable of it??

Nana --

I think you know the answer ... without trust, there can't be a trusting

relationship.

If *both* of you want to stay together, and *both* of you are willing to work

hard and change yourselves, and *both* of you are willing to be 100% open and

honest, a very talented marriage therapist might be able to help. [And if money

is tight, your health insurance might cover couples counseling ... ours did.]

I went through something similar, including finding a wonderful therapist who

really understood Aspies (and may have been Aspie herself) ... but my ex refused

to be 100% honest with himself, and kept denying things he did. [ " I did not have

an affair ... maybe once ... a couple of times ... 21 in two years? I didn't

actually meet all of them " ]

Nana, I would go out and find the best therapist you can, one who is used to

working with AS couples. Make an appointment when your husband can attend, and

tell him flat out: I've made an appointment for <date>, I would like you to go

with me. If he says no, go alone. Even alone, a good therapist can help you get

your own head straight.

--Liz

[Guest guest]

Hi Becky, thanks for the hugs, they are appreciated

> I have a couple of questions:

> 1: Which of you is the Aspie, or is it both.

both, but his was a diagnosis where the prof said " we will probably

never have a name for your problem, but it is somewhere on the autism

spectrum "

He is not really socially unaware as I am, and he " feels " more than the

person is sending.

> 2: How long have you been together.

Married since 2008, knowing since 2002

> 3: Has this behaviour always been a feature of the relationship, or has it

developed and worstened over time.

His anger was present from the beginning. He told me he never trusts

people, but that is a very recent revelation.

He is so full of doubt whenever things dont develop as he would like

them.

> I have had similar with my hubby, although I am lucky that he's not so

demonstrative in terms of anger - retreating into himself leaving me to

worry myself sick about what is actually wrong.

I am the one who after such events needs to retreat and be left alone

untill I have sorted out my feelings.

I just never get enough time to do this, he keeps coming and

interrupting this internal process, leaving me with more chaos to be

sorted out, and more confusion and the feeling I want to run and be

done with this complicated relationship.

> To be honest, unless your partner is willing to actually make efforts to work

on the relationship, it's going to be dead in the water. And the one bit of

decent advice my mother gave me is 'if there's more bad times than good times,

then get out'. It's a good rule of thumb. You can't remain with him trying to

mend his problems, if he's not willing to actually make any effort himself. A

relationship, in my mind, should be based on:

> 1: Both being eachother's number one fan.

> 2: both aiming to make sure the other person has the best experience in

the relationship possible.

> 3: Being realistic that we are all crap at making effort at times, and

that we screw up, but being willing to climb back on the wagon to continue

with the above two aims.

> 4: Respecting your partner when they tell you that something isn't

working for them and being willing to take is seriously and work on it

together.

Do you mind, if I clip this and show it to him?

maybe it is a basis to get serious talk going?

He has the habit of letting me know that it is too much, whenever I get

to the important part of such a troubleshooting session.

He also hates it when I write down things or ask him to have an e-mail

conversation.

This would help me to sort out my feelings without lashing out or using

totally wrong words.

I have the feeling, there are so many verbal and emotional landmines,

that it will be hard to get through without big injuries.

I still feel so raw, woke up crying and have cried almost the full

seven hours I am awake now.

Have not eaten since breakfast yesterday, and that was little because

of that appointment which stressed me out beforehand.

> You might also find stuff on cassandra 'syndrome' or asperger affective

disorder or whatever it's called(!) helpful.

Thanks for that, it is a good summary of what is going on,

miscommunication and feeling emotionally deprived, not having something

that defines a " WE " feeling.

It was topic in so many talks beforehand, that it is nice to be picked

up at the train station or such things, and still those are material

things and the feeling of connectedness is just not there. He seems

detached so much. And then, at times I feel raw, all of a sudden, there

is some need on his side, that I cant fulfill when I am in a state of

being hurt badly.

Why does it always only come at times like that, it leaves me confused

and I cant handle it.

--

nana.

[Guest guest]

> I think you know the answer ... without trust, there can't be a

> trusting relationship.

probably I was just not aware that this is it :-)

I think, a relationship *has to be a trusting one*

And I miss that, because it makes our little relationship house not very stable,

no trust, and my tendency to withdraw to sort things out and his not being able

to let me take this time, because he always thinks I am plotting my escape.

I am scared of the moment, when he has weakened me so much with giving me this

option (in thinking I am doing it anyway) that I really will go ahead and plot

to get away from him completely.

Right now, I only wish he would let me lick my wounds and be in my cave for

however long it takes and not add to my grief in his disrespecting my wish to be

alone.

> If *both* of you want to stay together, and *both* of you are

> willing to work hard and change yourselves, and *both* of you are

> willing to be 100% open and honest, a very talented marriage

> therapist might be able to help. [And if money is tight, your

> health insurance might cover couples counseling ... ours did.]

I have gone on the net and looked into google and am too non versed to find

results.

How did you find the couples therapist with Aspergers experience?

I am in Germany, we are really living below existence minimum because of what I

wrote in my first post, and it will be hard to get him to such an appointment

because he automatically assumes that the person/councellor whoever we meet will

agree with me and gang up with me against him, no open discussion possible,

because he is so sure, that everyone will be 100% sure, that he is faulty and an

idiot.

I am so sad about his lack of openness and trust that such an appointment might

give us both a hint towards a way out of this dysfunctional communication and

interaction pattern.

Thanks for your Input, Liz.

[Guest guest]

> How did you find the couples therapist with Aspergers experience?

I live in the same area as a well-known Aspergers Association, so I called them

to ask for recommendations. I don't know if there are Aspergers groups in

Germany/Europe, but if there are, I would contact them. The groups are excellent

resources even if you don't need therapy.

> I am in Germany, we are really living below existence minimum because of what

I wrote in my first post, and it will be hard to get him to such an appointment

because he automatically assumes that the person/councellor whoever we meet will

agree with me and gang up with me against him, no open discussion possible,

because he is so sure, that everyone will be 100% sure, that he is faulty and an

idiot.

Lots of men have this attitude about therapy!

That's why I suggest you make the appointment and go with or without him. Before

my first therapy appointment, I realized I'd need therapy to learn how to make

the marriage work, and I'd also need therapy to cope if we did get divorced, so

it didn't matter to me whether he came or not. [He did come with me, and that

first round of therapy bought us about 10 more years together ... important to

me because my youngest was a baby when we started therapy. Divorcing with 16 and

11 year old kids is a lot easier than with a 6 and a 1 year old.]

--Liz

[Guest guest]

> I live in the same area as a well-known Aspergers Association, so I > called

them to ask for recommendations. I don't know if there are

> Aspergers groups in Germany/Europe, but if there are, I would

> contact them. The groups are excellent resources even if you don't > need

therapy.

Here, we are still in the darkish ages concerning adult Aspergers,

I will contact the two clinics I know have a diagnostic division though, and see

if they can tell me something.

>> [...]that the person/councellor whoever we meet will agree with me

>> and gang up with me against him, no open discussion possible,

>> because he is so sure, that everyone will be 100% sure, that he is >> faulty

and an idiot.

>

> Lots of men have this attitude about therapy!

I wonder, where that comes from?

I mean, yes, it is unpleasant to hear, that one had made mistakes and to be

critizized, but that is not the end of ones existence ...

I wish, there would be a little less reluctance to change, so we can actually

work on it.

I have pressed the redial function and reached not the participant I had

expected, but a family-oriented councelling place due to him having made a

phonecall before I tried to reach a different number earlier today, I wonder if

he will tell me, what he has in mind.

I am impressed, he showed iniciative :-)

Maybe I will be able to have a newish start with him?

I so wish this was true.

> Before my first therapy appointment, I realized I'd need therapy to > learn

how to make the marriage work, and I'd also need therapy to

> cope if we did get divorced, so it didn't matter to me whether he

> came or not. [He did come with me, and that first round of therapy > bought us

about 10 more years together ... important to me because > my youngest was a

baby when we started therapy. Divorcing with 16

> and 11 year old kids is a lot easier than with a 6 and a 1 year

> old.]

That sounds like only partial success. My parents were in the process of divorce

when I was six and my sister was three years old, they " went together again

because of the children " , but in our case, this was hell for all of us, they

fought, dad was angry a lot and destroyed furniture (we woke one morning and did

not have a breakfast table any more), another night, he destroyed my favourite

spot in the apartment, the wooden box, we kept firewood in for the stove which

was heating and cookplace in our house.

They even had another baby to mend the relationship.

And only after the nestling had a nervous breakdown in school when she was 14,

the teacher/councellor (I am not sure, it is called Vertrauenslehrer) has made

mom leave with her youngest.

I was in the US as and Au pair that year, and middle sis was living at the

family of her boyfriend.

So it did not really help them trying again.

Here it is the cats, I worry about, one of them got obnoxious and meowing all

the time, annoying husband more and more, so he annoys her back with dangerous

actions like holding her up hig, so when she squirms free and falls, she will

get hurt.

I told him, that this height is the most dangerous one, and that I dont want her

to fall one day, but he just replied " did she? no, so all is well she annoys me,

I annoy her back "

The other cat is very scared and jumpy, and after the hollering and punching

walls and doors, it is very visible, how skittish she is.

It takes her a long time to relax again, and then, maybe the next outburst is to

come soon.

I am not sure, what frequency of terror evoking situations can be called

" normal " , and what might be coping strategies for me?

31dec.2011 to 1jan 2012

10feb2012 he even lashed out and if I had not moved away from it, he probably

had hit much, much harder (this was for the very first time ever)

I am even more scared of the meltdowns now.

18apr 2012 (my birthday) a lot of aggressive talk and hollering (never actually

directly because of a cause, I could really see coming, they are out of the blue

for me)in the morning and an attempt to make good weather in offering me to go

to town afterwards

20apr 2012

just this year.

I am not sure, if he is aware of the impact this has on me.

[Guest guest]

>

> I'm sorry that you are having a hard time.  I will pray for you to find

peace.  The tsunami is a hard place to be!!  With time, I hope your emotions

will settle down and you will know the best thing for you.

Thank you, I also hope, that with settled emotions there will be more room to

act and change things to a more harmonious togetherness.

sorry, I guess that is german sentence construction.

[Guest guest]

>

> I'm sorry that you are having a hard time.  I will pray for you to find

peace.  The tsunami is a hard place to be!!  With time, I hope your emotions

will settle down and you will know the best thing for you.

Thank you, I also hope, that with settled emotions there will be more room to

act and change things to a more harmonious togetherness.

sorry, I guess that is german sentence construction.

[Guest guest]

>

> I'm sorry that you are having a hard time.  I will pray for you to find

peace.  The tsunami is a hard place to be!!  With time, I hope your emotions

will settle down and you will know the best thing for you.

Thank you, I also hope, that with settled emotions there will be more room to

act and change things to a more harmonious togetherness.

sorry, I guess that is german sentence construction.