A Newly Diagnosed FMS Patient’s Transformation

June 12, 2012

Viewing My Life Through the Rear-View Mirror: A Newly Diagnosed FMS Patient's

Transformation

By Lannette J. , 2006 CF Alliance Newsletter

Since receiving a diagnosis of fibromyalgia syndrome (or FMS), I have

found that I am frantically searching for a " new normal. " Everything in my life

- bathing, household chores, surviving in corporate America, is defined by my

illness – by what I could do before and after my diagnosis. It's like watching

my life through the rear-view mirror, observing everything I've known slip out

of view and into the mist of the past.

I grieve for my old self. I cry for the person I was before the pain was

such an obvious and overwhelming monster. I shed tears for each tender place in

my body that screams from the neuropathy that has overtaken my life. I see my

old self in the rear- view mirror, waving goodbye to the prisoner I've now

become. I miss her, and wonder if I'll ever see her again.

Through the mirror, I watch my transformation from an active, busy mother

to someone who progressively slowed down, becoming more tired and achy as time

went on. I see all the doctors' visits, lab work, and medical tests that

revealed " normal " results. I watch as my definition of the person I was slowly

eroded away, revealing someone crippled from fatigue, depression and constant

pain. I feel as if I have aged by thirty years or more.

In my search for a " new normal, " I've come to realize that in some ways,

FMS has been a blessing. It has forced me to slow down and appreciate the small

things around me – the first daffodils, a woodpecker tapping on a neighbor's

rooftop, the warmth of morning sunshine. I appreciate the scent of warm

rainfall, the sound of birds singing, the sensual comfort of my cat curled up on

my lap.

As I watch my old life disappear through the rear-view mirror, I realize

that I am in the driver's seat. Only I can define what the future will hold for

me. While I will probably never regain the health of the person I once was, I

alone hold the keys to my future. I can reach my destination slowly, in first

gear if needed, and I can define what my life will be from here forward. As I

start out on this journey, I carry with me the strength and courage of the

person I've always been, and that will carry me through the tough times. That

alone will determine my final destination.

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