Re: What was your breaking point?

[Guest guest]

I allways knew she was sick. Just never ever remember ever having the

desire to be held by her, nor did i miss her presense. age six or so

during aone of her severest of beatings I realized she was a three year

old trapped in an adults body. Age ten or so I KNEW I was being abused -

but didn't think i had a right to complain as relatives and family

members " looked the other way " whenever problems were so obvious. I ran

away several times. Once i was on the phone calling cops but she droved

up out of nowhere. She was then nice and rational for two days.

When she held a knife under my throat at age sixteen. It pretty much

made me detach from her in my mind. Course it was several years more

before i could phycically detach and even longer before the broken foot

incident.

I did start to talk about age twenty or so. Big mistake. Relatives and

even COUNSELORS, deny, minimize, etc. I just sank ever deeper into

despair and lonliness. Words cannot describe the sinking feeling of

going to " loving " relatives who brush it off and laugh at you for ever

bringing it up. Or they pretend to " care " then stab you in the back.

Final breaking point: I woke up one day with a broken foot. Something

about it made me really see PB for what she really was. just in it for

the control and selfish interests of filling her own emptiness, etc. No

love, no " best intentions " etc. at all. I realized nothing was

inherently " wrong " with me. SO i cut off all ties. That was the last

breaking point.

Relatives still had the gall to try and get us to " reunite and work it

out, learn to get along, shes your mother, find it in your heart, she

loves you. blah blah blah. " The minimizing, denial and complete blatant

IGNORING what went on in front of thier eyes, things i tearfully told

THEM. But they just would NOT take me seriously. I finally had to

decide for myself. this is not good - they are WRONG.

I can get over the abuse i really can. what give me such anguish is how

other people close to her and relatives just dont believe me, nor take

it seriously. They think i am still in the WRONG somehow. I fell alien

and invisible, no validation as a human being.

Cristie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough and

you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

angry, or how did you feel?

[Guest guest]

I allways knew she was sick. Just never ever remember ever having the

desire to be held by her, nor did i miss her presense. age six or so

during aone of her severest of beatings I realized she was a three year

old trapped in an adults body. Age ten or so I KNEW I was being abused -

but didn't think i had a right to complain as relatives and family

members " looked the other way " whenever problems were so obvious. I ran

away several times. Once i was on the phone calling cops but she droved

up out of nowhere. She was then nice and rational for two days.

When she held a knife under my throat at age sixteen. It pretty much

made me detach from her in my mind. Course it was several years more

before i could phycically detach and even longer before the broken foot

incident.

I did start to talk about age twenty or so. Big mistake. Relatives and

even COUNSELORS, deny, minimize, etc. I just sank ever deeper into

despair and lonliness. Words cannot describe the sinking feeling of

going to " loving " relatives who brush it off and laugh at you for ever

bringing it up. Or they pretend to " care " then stab you in the back.

Final breaking point: I woke up one day with a broken foot. Something

about it made me really see PB for what she really was. just in it for

the control and selfish interests of filling her own emptiness, etc. No

love, no " best intentions " etc. at all. I realized nothing was

inherently " wrong " with me. SO i cut off all ties. That was the last

breaking point.

Relatives still had the gall to try and get us to " reunite and work it

out, learn to get along, shes your mother, find it in your heart, she

loves you. blah blah blah. " The minimizing, denial and complete blatant

IGNORING what went on in front of thier eyes, things i tearfully told

THEM. But they just would NOT take me seriously. I finally had to

decide for myself. this is not good - they are WRONG.

I can get over the abuse i really can. what give me such anguish is how

other people close to her and relatives just dont believe me, nor take

it seriously. They think i am still in the WRONG somehow. I fell alien

and invisible, no validation as a human being.

Cristie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough and

you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

angry, or how did you feel?

[Guest guest]

I allways knew she was sick. Just never ever remember ever having the

desire to be held by her, nor did i miss her presense. age six or so

during aone of her severest of beatings I realized she was a three year

old trapped in an adults body. Age ten or so I KNEW I was being abused -

but didn't think i had a right to complain as relatives and family

members " looked the other way " whenever problems were so obvious. I ran

away several times. Once i was on the phone calling cops but she droved

up out of nowhere. She was then nice and rational for two days.

When she held a knife under my throat at age sixteen. It pretty much

made me detach from her in my mind. Course it was several years more

before i could phycically detach and even longer before the broken foot

incident.

I did start to talk about age twenty or so. Big mistake. Relatives and

even COUNSELORS, deny, minimize, etc. I just sank ever deeper into

despair and lonliness. Words cannot describe the sinking feeling of

going to " loving " relatives who brush it off and laugh at you for ever

bringing it up. Or they pretend to " care " then stab you in the back.

Final breaking point: I woke up one day with a broken foot. Something

about it made me really see PB for what she really was. just in it for

the control and selfish interests of filling her own emptiness, etc. No

love, no " best intentions " etc. at all. I realized nothing was

inherently " wrong " with me. SO i cut off all ties. That was the last

breaking point.

Relatives still had the gall to try and get us to " reunite and work it

out, learn to get along, shes your mother, find it in your heart, she

loves you. blah blah blah. " The minimizing, denial and complete blatant

IGNORING what went on in front of thier eyes, things i tearfully told

THEM. But they just would NOT take me seriously. I finally had to

decide for myself. this is not good - they are WRONG.

I can get over the abuse i really can. what give me such anguish is how

other people close to her and relatives just dont believe me, nor take

it seriously. They think i am still in the WRONG somehow. I fell alien

and invisible, no validation as a human being.

Cristie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough and

you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

angry, or how did you feel?

[Guest guest]

I allways knew she was sick. Just never ever remember ever having the

desire to be held by her, nor did i miss her presense. age six or so

during aone of her severest of beatings I realized she was a three year

old trapped in an adults body. Age ten or so I KNEW I was being abused -

but didn't think i had a right to complain as relatives and family

members " looked the other way " whenever problems were so obvious. I ran

away several times. Once i was on the phone calling cops but she droved

up out of nowhere. She was then nice and rational for two days.

When she held a knife under my throat at age sixteen. It pretty much

made me detach from her in my mind. Course it was several years more

before i could phycically detach and even longer before the broken foot

incident.

I did start to talk about age twenty or so. Big mistake. Relatives and

even COUNSELORS, deny, minimize, etc. I just sank ever deeper into

despair and lonliness. Words cannot describe the sinking feeling of

going to " loving " relatives who brush it off and laugh at you for ever

bringing it up. Or they pretend to " care " then stab you in the back.

Final breaking point: I woke up one day with a broken foot. Something

about it made me really see PB for what she really was. just in it for

the control and selfish interests of filling her own emptiness, etc. No

love, no " best intentions " etc. at all. I realized nothing was

inherently " wrong " with me. SO i cut off all ties. That was the last

breaking point.

Relatives still had the gall to try and get us to " reunite and work it

out, learn to get along, shes your mother, find it in your heart, she

loves you. blah blah blah. " The minimizing, denial and complete blatant

IGNORING what went on in front of thier eyes, things i tearfully told

THEM. But they just would NOT take me seriously. I finally had to

decide for myself. this is not good - they are WRONG.

I can get over the abuse i really can. what give me such anguish is how

other people close to her and relatives just dont believe me, nor take

it seriously. They think i am still in the WRONG somehow. I fell alien

and invisible, no validation as a human being.

Cristie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough and

you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

angry, or how did you feel?

[Guest guest]

I allways knew she was sick. Just never ever remember ever having the

desire to be held by her, nor did i miss her presense. age six or so

during aone of her severest of beatings I realized she was a three year

old trapped in an adults body. Age ten or so I KNEW I was being abused -

but didn't think i had a right to complain as relatives and family

members " looked the other way " whenever problems were so obvious. I ran

away several times. Once i was on the phone calling cops but she droved

up out of nowhere. She was then nice and rational for two days.

When she held a knife under my throat at age sixteen. It pretty much

made me detach from her in my mind. Course it was several years more

before i could phycically detach and even longer before the broken foot

incident.

I did start to talk about age twenty or so. Big mistake. Relatives and

even COUNSELORS, deny, minimize, etc. I just sank ever deeper into

despair and lonliness. Words cannot describe the sinking feeling of

going to " loving " relatives who brush it off and laugh at you for ever

bringing it up. Or they pretend to " care " then stab you in the back.

Final breaking point: I woke up one day with a broken foot. Something

about it made me really see PB for what she really was. just in it for

the control and selfish interests of filling her own emptiness, etc. No

love, no " best intentions " etc. at all. I realized nothing was

inherently " wrong " with me. SO i cut off all ties. That was the last

breaking point.

Relatives still had the gall to try and get us to " reunite and work it

out, learn to get along, shes your mother, find it in your heart, she

loves you. blah blah blah. " The minimizing, denial and complete blatant

IGNORING what went on in front of thier eyes, things i tearfully told

THEM. But they just would NOT take me seriously. I finally had to

decide for myself. this is not good - they are WRONG.

I can get over the abuse i really can. what give me such anguish is how

other people close to her and relatives just dont believe me, nor take

it seriously. They think i am still in the WRONG somehow. I fell alien

and invisible, no validation as a human being.

Cristie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough and

you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

angry, or how did you feel?

[Guest guest]

I allways knew she was sick. Just never ever remember ever having the

desire to be held by her, nor did i miss her presense. age six or so

during aone of her severest of beatings I realized she was a three year

old trapped in an adults body. Age ten or so I KNEW I was being abused -

but didn't think i had a right to complain as relatives and family

members " looked the other way " whenever problems were so obvious. I ran

away several times. Once i was on the phone calling cops but she droved

up out of nowhere. She was then nice and rational for two days.

When she held a knife under my throat at age sixteen. It pretty much

made me detach from her in my mind. Course it was several years more

before i could phycically detach and even longer before the broken foot

incident.

I did start to talk about age twenty or so. Big mistake. Relatives and

even COUNSELORS, deny, minimize, etc. I just sank ever deeper into

despair and lonliness. Words cannot describe the sinking feeling of

going to " loving " relatives who brush it off and laugh at you for ever

bringing it up. Or they pretend to " care " then stab you in the back.

Final breaking point: I woke up one day with a broken foot. Something

about it made me really see PB for what she really was. just in it for

the control and selfish interests of filling her own emptiness, etc. No

love, no " best intentions " etc. at all. I realized nothing was

inherently " wrong " with me. SO i cut off all ties. That was the last

breaking point.

Relatives still had the gall to try and get us to " reunite and work it

out, learn to get along, shes your mother, find it in your heart, she

loves you. blah blah blah. " The minimizing, denial and complete blatant

IGNORING what went on in front of thier eyes, things i tearfully told

THEM. But they just would NOT take me seriously. I finally had to

decide for myself. this is not good - they are WRONG.

I can get over the abuse i really can. what give me such anguish is how

other people close to her and relatives just dont believe me, nor take

it seriously. They think i am still in the WRONG somehow. I fell alien

and invisible, no validation as a human being.

Cristie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough and

you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

angry, or how did you feel?

[Guest guest]

I allways knew she was sick. Just never ever remember ever having the

desire to be held by her, nor did i miss her presense. age six or so

during aone of her severest of beatings I realized she was a three year

old trapped in an adults body. Age ten or so I KNEW I was being abused -

but didn't think i had a right to complain as relatives and family

members " looked the other way " whenever problems were so obvious. I ran

away several times. Once i was on the phone calling cops but she droved

up out of nowhere. She was then nice and rational for two days.

When she held a knife under my throat at age sixteen. It pretty much

made me detach from her in my mind. Course it was several years more

before i could phycically detach and even longer before the broken foot

incident.

I did start to talk about age twenty or so. Big mistake. Relatives and

even COUNSELORS, deny, minimize, etc. I just sank ever deeper into

despair and lonliness. Words cannot describe the sinking feeling of

going to " loving " relatives who brush it off and laugh at you for ever

bringing it up. Or they pretend to " care " then stab you in the back.

Final breaking point: I woke up one day with a broken foot. Something

about it made me really see PB for what she really was. just in it for

the control and selfish interests of filling her own emptiness, etc. No

love, no " best intentions " etc. at all. I realized nothing was

inherently " wrong " with me. SO i cut off all ties. That was the last

breaking point.

Relatives still had the gall to try and get us to " reunite and work it

out, learn to get along, shes your mother, find it in your heart, she

loves you. blah blah blah. " The minimizing, denial and complete blatant

IGNORING what went on in front of thier eyes, things i tearfully told

THEM. But they just would NOT take me seriously. I finally had to

decide for myself. this is not good - they are WRONG.

I can get over the abuse i really can. what give me such anguish is how

other people close to her and relatives just dont believe me, nor take

it seriously. They think i am still in the WRONG somehow. I fell alien

and invisible, no validation as a human being.

Cristie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough and

you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

angry, or how did you feel?

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

,

You have no responsibility to help your mother with anything else.

She will never learn how to take care of herself as long as there is

someone out there to rescue her. She has put you in the situation

of being her parent. But even so, it is way past time for her to

grow up. Look to the animal world - birds are put out of the nest,

mammals nip and swat at the young when they are out of line. You

have done way, way more for your mother than is expected of a

child. And, it is no help to anyone if what you do is a detriment

to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will. You are

an adult, as is your mother. Adults take care of themselves. As

you have noticed, when you don't go in to rescue her, she manages to

find another way to solve her problem.

As for me, my breaking point was 4.5 years ago. My sister and I had

rented a house in a New Jersey shore community for a family

vacation. We had been doing this for several years. Many years,

nada didn't come, using the time to visit her relatives in Europe.

(Those were the good vacations for us!)

It was sis, her two kids and their two friends, nada, dishrag, me,

my daughter, and my grandson (my son's son). My daughter had just

had surgery for thyroid cancer. She was getting ready for her

radioactive iodine treatments, and so was not taking thyroid

medication, and she was on a very limited diet (no salt, no prepared

foods, EVERYTHING cooked from scratch - and I was the cook,

preparing 3 special meals for her every day! Please understand that

this was definitely a labor of love for me.) Because she was not on

thyroid replacement medication, she was very hypothroid - lethargic

and depresssed. You can just imagine how I felt as her mother to

see her having to deal with this.

Anyway, my grandson, who was about 4 years old at the time, was

cranky every afternoon (until we realized he needed a nap). (Oh,

you have to know that as part of the family vacation tradition, I

always provided everyone's preferred alcoholic beverage. We put all

the alcohol in a centrally located area in the dining room. For

nada, I bought a bottle of Godiva white chocolate liquor. Instead

of leaving it with the rest of the alcohol, she took it to her

bedroom.)

About 3 days into the vacation, it was morning, and nada was

complaining to me about dishrag. I didn't offer her any sympathy,

but did point out things she could do to help the situation (bad,

bad Sylvia!) Right after lunch, my grandson had one of his daily

temper tantrums (up till this time, we didn't realize it was because

he was so tired.) Nada decided to use this as an excuse to leave.

I was working with my grandson to help him manage his temper

tantrum, nada thought I should just give in, since we were 'on

vacation', and she used this as an excuse to profess that she knew

they shouldn't have come on vacation, and she insisted that she and

dishrag leave immediately. So she threw one of her rages. The only

regret I have is that I turned over the keys to the car to her. If

I had it to over again, I would have refused. She just steamrolls

everyone with her insistance to get done whatever it is she thinks

has to be done to right whatever 'injustice' she has been dealt.

She complained that she and dishrag were given a second floor

bedroom, because he shouldn't walk up and down stairs, but she had

no problem with insisting he carry all their suitcases down the

stairs when she decided they had to leave. She was complaining

about dishrags driving, but had no problem with having him drive the

2+ hours home when she decided they had to leave. Because I was

trying to be a 'nice' daughter, I had driven them to the vacation

home. Now, I was left without any form of transportation!

I was trying to calm down my grandson in their bedroom during all of

this. She barges into the bedroom and tells me to get out because

they have to pack because they are leaving. The only thing that

prevent me from really letting her 'have it', was that I was with my

grandson, and I had him pretty calm and didn't want to get him

stirred up again. I also knew that there was no reason for him to

have to be exposed to her craziness. I carried my grandson

downstairs to find an empty bedroom. Walking past sis and dishrag,

I told them that I could only deal with one temper tantrum at a

time. I was dealing with my grandson, so they had to deal with

nada!

I think the irony of dealing with a daughter who had cancer surgery,

and a nada who was upset because I wouldn't agree with her that

dishrag was stupid was the turing point. For nada, it is always

about her. As a mother, she should have been supporting me in my

efforts to support my daughter. But that was never going to

happen.

Here is what was happening in my mind - flash after flash of

lightbulb moments. This is a crazy woman, why should I even try to

deal with this when I am trying to help my daughter through a

serious medical situation, here is an 80+ year old woman having a

temper tantrum that is worse than the one my 4 year old grandson is

having, and finally, I have worked too long and too hard to heal

myself, why should I continue spending time with this crazy woman?

It took me almost a year after that to go no contact. For that

year, I was limited contact. I could see so clearly that being with

her compromised all that I had worked so hard to achieve. I was

beginning to accept that she wasn't going to change and that my

desire to find a solution to her unhappiness was just a fantasy on

my part. It was during that year of limited contact that I learned

about BPD and this board. What a relief it was to realize that

there was a name and an explanation to her condition. I received a

great deal of support as I worked through my emotions on going no

contact. I would have never understood how enmeshed I was if it

wasn't for information from this board.

So nada and dishrag left. As 'upset' as she was - she had enough

presence of mind to also pack her Godiva liquor! (Ya gotta give her

credit for always being true to the form that it is always about

them!!!) Nada was still crabby when my sister called her later in

the day to make sure they arrived home safely.

There is no reason for any of us to put up with any of this type of

behavior when the perpetrator never apologizes, never tries to

change, and has no regret in repeating the same time of behavior

again. As KOs, we do not have to honor any parent who is so

disrespectful to us. Our BPD parent(s) did not teach us how to take

care of ourselves, but as we struggle and learn to do so, we have to

be true to ourselves, and no longer allow them to abuse us. There is

no excuse for the ways we have been mistreated by our BPD parent

(s). The challenge to us is to get out of the FOG and love

ourselves enough to refuse to participate in the abuse.

(No apologize, fellow KOs, for the long post!)

Sylvia

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough

and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really

bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay

her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been

a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income,

and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because

the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me

all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area

and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt

like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything

about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my

credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle.

I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said

no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her

phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no

because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for

the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling

the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you

all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out

of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences.

Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And

now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks

for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that

things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

[Guest guest]

Thats the problem with having a BP Nada, we give them enough chances to have

multiple breaking points.

Lilly

christine wrote:

i too, had a money issue thing with my nada. i got my first job at 14

at a flower shop and she was constantly asking me for money. if i

didn't, then she would stomp around in a rage and throw around the

phrase " you are SO SELFISH! you make more than i do and all i ask for

is 20 dollars and you just can't give it to me! " . what? i'm 14 and i

work at a flower shop! anyway, when i did lend her money, i really

wasn't allowed to ask for it back because that just meant another rage

about how selfish i was by hording all of my riches (?). i guess if

she got a job and stopped doing meth she wouldn't have needed to

borrow my money, or rather, take it.

anyway, to answer your question: my breaking point was when i got

engaged to my now husband. she went completely nuts. she accused me of

so many absurd things and it just got to the point where i couldn't

take it. i don't want to get into the details because it would force

this reply to be very lengthy. long story short, i didn't even invite

her to the wedding because she kept telling me how " if " she has time

to actually come to our wedding, that she was just going to leave

immediately afterwards because she doesn't have anything in common

with " our kind of people " . oh, and how distasteful and slutty i would

look in a strapless gown.

in retrospect, i've had a lot of breaking points. but this is the one

that did it.

love,

christine

n WTOAdultChildren1 , " junkinthere "

wrote:

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I am just curious, when did you finally realize enough was enough and

> you could no longer tolerate abusive behavior from your BPD parent?

> When did you really realize that you were being abused? Did you get

> angry, or how did you feel?

>

> For me, as I indicated in another post it came after she used me up

> for everything I had, and then still asked for more. She is really bad

> with money, and completely irresponsible about it. I've been

> continually rescuing her when she couldn't pay her hotel bill,

> couldn't afford her medication for a lung infection, couldn't pay her

> $1500 cell phone bill (who the hell was she talking to??), couldn't

> pay her rent, when she got in trouble with the IRS, etc. I've been a

> student for most of this time, so I actually don't have an income, and

> as such I've had to put mostly all of this on my credit card. I've

> missed out on every spring break and so many other things because the

> money I set aside went to my mom. I also felt guilty spending any

> money on myself.

>

> Recently I got to the point where I couldn't afford the monthly

> payments on my credit cards, and I was (still am) totally broke and

> restricted financially because of all of this debt. I had to say no

> when she asked me for rent money, and I felt horrible. She told me all

> of these stories about how hard it is to find housing in her area and

> they don't care about homeless people, on and on. I really felt like I

> was about to just let my mom become homeless and not do anything about

> it. The problem was if I helped her, I would end up ruining my credit

> and generally impairing myself financially in ways I can't handle. I

> guess not having good credit was the endpoint for me.

>

> When I started to get mad was when she kept asking me after I said no:

>

> 1) She asked me for $500 to pay her phone bill, and she said her phone

> would be turned off in 2 days if she didn't pay it. I said no because

> I really had nothing left, and I felt horrible about it. Then she

> calls me 4 days later and acts like nothing happened. She tells me

> that she called the phone company and worked something out.

>

> 2) Next she asked me to ask my father's father for money for her so

> she could pay the rent and wouldn't be homeless. This is her

> ex-husband's father, and they got divoriced 15 years ago.

>

> 3) Then, her landlord offered to sell her cars for her to pay for the

> rent. He sold the first one for most of the money, and was selling the

> other one for the rest of the amount owed. She called and asked for

> $700 so that she could still have a car. (There is public

> transportation in the area to take her to work.)

>

> I can't even say how these things made me feel, but I'm sure you all

> can guess. I felt like I was doing my best to hold up a wall that I

> was convinced would fall at any moment if I let go. Then I ran out of

> energy and absolutely could not hold it up anymore, so I let go,

> expecting it to come crashing down, ready for the consequences. Then,

> it didn't fall down at all. It didn't even crumble a little. And now I

> feel so fucking used and stupid, and angry. And I'm not holding up

> that damn wall ever again.

>

> I know this is really long, but this is the first time in my life I

> have anyone with whom I can talk about these things. There was even

> more, but I cut it out because this post is way too long. Thanks for

> reading it if you actually made it to the end.

>

> I would really like to know what caused you all to realize that things

> weren't right.

>

> Melany

>

---------------------------------

Don't pick lemons.

See all the new 2007 cars at Yahoo! Autos.