Re: What do you do when you don't have enough support?

July 7, 2012

OK. I'm going to go out on a limb here. If you (meaning anyone on the list)

doesn't like what I say, feel free to post your opinion but don't tell me that I

am not trying to help. I am posting about what has helped me over the years in

the hopes that it will help someone else. Also, don't assume that I am saying

that you do this or that, I am say that I DID this or that or DO it and that it

is either a positive or negative thing. I put it in " you " terms because I am

giving advice, not because I KNOW how you behave.

First, the short term stuff...

Do whatever you can to make yourself feel better by yourself. Watch a funny

movie, listen to upbeat music, read a fun book. No matter how bad you feel,

that kind of stuff is often doable and it WILL make you feel better. If a bath

is your thing, take one. If you love chocolate, indulge yourself. But do it

with the understanding that you are making yourself feel better, you are taking

control of your situation, you are doing the best that you can in your

situation. Be WILLING to feel better through means other than those you want,

at least for now.

If you don't have a pet and can have one, think about getting a cat or a dog.

Studies show they can be a big help to people who are lonely. I know my little

dog is a great companion to me and makes me laugh almost every day. She is also

devoted to me and makes me feel very loved.

Now for the longer term stuff...

I experienced this feeling a lot especially back in the days when my siblings

treated me like it was all in my head and I had control over it but chose to be

sick. Now my husband and sons know what I live with, care that I do and want to

help if they can. Just knowing this makes me less needy by far than I once was

and I don't talk about it much at all. When they ask how I am doing, it is one

or two sentences if not one or two words - " better than yesterday " or " a little

worse " . My point is that you need to recognize that part of your need for

empathy is that you haven't had it in the past. Recognize that the people

around you who do care are there for you but that their capacity is limited.

They have their own stresses in life and other people in their lives who take up

their time and resources, so don't overdo it. Do you really have something to

tell them (like a new crash or some other change?) or are you just venting? If

just venting, keep it short - actually keep it as short as you can always. You

will get empathy that way and won't burn out those around you.

My husband and sons are supportive and caring but they all work 2 jobs and my

sons have serious girlfriends so I spend about 90% of my waking time alone. I

can't talk to someone any old time I want to so there are lots of times when I

would like to talk but can't. Same thing goes for getting help. They will all

help when they can but they are busy so I don't ask for help unless I have to

and I don't ask for it NOW unless I have to. I will say that something needs to

be done " when you have time " and they know that I mean it. They are good to me

and considerate of me but I AM GOOD TO THEM AND CONSIDERATE OF THEM in return.

Don't see yourself as a " have not " with nothing to give. It is giving when you

are considerate, cheerful and pleasant to be around especially if you are

feeling badly. It is NOT awful of those around you to want you to be that way

at least some of the time. Negativity is a drain on anyone no matter how valid

the reason for it.

Be sure to express appreciation when someone is empathetic - " thank you so much

for being there for me " . We all want to be appreciated and we all respond to it

with a willingness to do more of whatever is appreciated.

Be willing to reciprocate. People who are chronic ill or in chronic pain are

not the only people who are miserable or suffering. People have all kinds of

stresses on them so be willing to listen to others vent and to respond

empathetically to them.

Rethink what you consider to be support. It is NOT just someone listening to

you talk about your problems or helping you with some task. It is supportive to

simply be with other people because we humans are social creatures and need to

feel connected to others (although the extent of the need varies a lot). My

sons sometimes invite me over to watch a movie with them and I consider that to

be very supportive. Time spent with others is uplifting if you let go of your

problems for a little while and enjoy it. I have two friends that I talk with

by phone from time to time but we very seldom talk about my health problems. It

is fun to talk about other things and it makes you feel better as much or more a

lot of the time.

If you can get out of your house, find a group or two to belong to - any kind of

group. Consider support groups, volunteering for a charity, joining a local

YMCA or similar organization - our local Y offers water exercise classes for

people with chronic diseases and I plan to join when my shoulder gets better.

Get out and meet some people if you can and if they also have health problems,

you can support each other.

But I think what has helped me most is just realizing how many people suffer

" invisibly " . It doesn't have to be a disease or painful condition, it can be an

abusive spouse, a sick child or parent that they are caring for, financial

problems, a death in their family, a teen child involved in drugs and the list

goes on and on. We are not as alone as we think we are and many of the people

in situations like I listed get no more support than we do. I'm not saying that

our desire to be understood and to get empathy is wrong or anything like that

but it is a fact that life is hard in a multitude of ways. It is important to

see ourselves as being able to be supportive of others as well as receiving

support from others.

If this isn't helpful, then I'm sorry but it is the stuff that has helped me to

live a happier life even as my losses have mounted and my health has worsened.

A lot of it involves changing how you think about things and it most certainly

isn't easy but it has really paid off for me in terms of quality of life.

Margie

>

> I can't get unstuck. I don't had enough energy to keep up in my life. I've

lost friends and family. I am tapping out those whom I have left because I need

so much support. Emotional support mostly. My life is falling apart, so every

day is difficult. Who can keep up with that? I dont have a spouse or

significant other. My family is busy or doesnt understand.

>

> And we all know people just don't get it.

>

> I'm so resentful that no one asks how I am when I am miserable. I try not to

talk about it, or burden people. But occasionally when things get really bad,

and my defenses are down, I let it out to those who are close to me. And when

they dont seem to have any empathy, I am so angry and so disappointed. The last

thing I want to do is lose those I have left.

>

> So what do you do when you just need more support than is out there? I can't

overburden people. I've run out of the maximum number of therapist visits and I

can't afford to pay out of pocket. I can write to support forums online til my

hearts content but one its not the same and two I don't want to keep complaining

to the world.

>

> I feel so isolated and alone and like no one gets what is happening to me and

all those " true friends " and " caring family " were just a myth.

>

> It makes the health problems even harder. Being angry and alone and depressed

does not help things. The inability to get out there and participate in life

makes me feel stuck. I know I should be all zen, and change my attitude and be

happy for what I have but I'm just miserable and can't get unstuck from here.

>

> So sorry to complain; this is what I am trying to limit.

>

July 7, 2012