Re: Just feeling a bit desperate

[Guest guest]

Hi Sue,

Thanks for your very pertinent questions.

You are right, we choose our partners for very personal reasons and like you, I

am drawn to my AS partner in a way that makes me want to ask " why " . I grew up

with a Borderline Personality Disorder mom and inherited much of the abandonment

issues that characterize BPD. I am drawn to my partner because he is an

extremely intelligent individual, but also because with him, I relive my

abandonment. We fight a lot, which is somehow comforting to me. He doesn't care

for me properly, this also is very familiar and " what I know " . But on the other

hand, he forces me to look deeper inside of me to understand why I get in such a

state when this or that happens. He triggers me, which makes me suffer but gives

me a chance to grow.

He is hard set in his ways much like my own father has always been, but there is

one good thing about him that doesn't reflect anything in my life: he is willing

to work at meeting me somewhere in the middle, which I appreciate a lot. He

doesn't change overnight, but slowly and surely he knows to say yes once in a

while when I invite him to have dinner with my family, or for drinks with my

friends, etc. He has learned to hug me when I cry, and even though sometimes

this comes as an awkward fast rubbing of my shoulder with his open palm hand, he

eventually sees that I'm not hostile and leans in for a squeeze, this took two

years but you know what I'm thankful for it. A man who knows these things

already might do certain parts naturally, but might also be more stubborn about

meeting the needs I do express. Everyone's got their bad side, right...

Thanks again for writing,

M.

>

> > M: Greetings:

> >

> > It sounds like life is over whelming you at this moment. I have had this

list for a long time and your story is very similar of " some " NT spouses. Some

options are reading books and articles geared towards NT spouses. Another option

is to seek counseling or support for YOU. A good counselor or therapist can help

you sort out the issues and concentrate on YOU and not your spouse. Where do you

see yourself in 6 months? What are your dreams and ambition? Do you see yourself

growing old with him? There are a zillion questions to ask to help you rethink

your life at the present moment. You cannot change your partner, all you can do

it change yourself. He is a big boy and responsible for himself and his behavior

as much as you are in this relationship. Maybe you should take a break and

concentrate on YOU for a while. What do you want out of this relationship? What

needs do you need to have met to continue on? It is NOT selfish to say, " It is

all about me " . Do you see yourself in a care taker role? Some do, and are happy

in this role. What does " M " want?

> >

> > I guess the real question is, what do YOU want out of this relationship and

what is non-negotiable? Think about this and make a list. It will help you to

set healthy boundaries for yourself and partner. He should do the same.

> >

> > Just my 2 cents worth.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Helen,

Yes, this weekend's crisis was similar to the behaviour I brought up when I

asked him to move out. I have to say that this has changed a lot over time,

though. He hasn't been nearly as obsessive with his work as he used to back

then. Last weekend was bad timing: his mother came to visit for three days from

Wednesday to Friday, making him all stressed out and drained, and then we had

dinner with my family on Saturday night. It's kind of silly that I didn't expect

for him to need recharge AND preparation time alone with his machine, but I was

stuck in my own needs, the need to feel that my boyfriend cares that I'm

leaving, that he won't see me for three weeks, the need to feel that he wants to

spend time with me.

Don't worry, I've seen many psychologists. As I mentioned earlier, the one I'm

seeing now is in the public healthcare system and my allotted time has run out

so I'll be on my own again in a few weeks. I know where my own part of this

comes from, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with my strong emotions when

they overwhelm me. I'm not really the bigger person then, I can't give myself

all the reasons why he can't be available for me, because I'm flooded with the

strength of my sadness and my need. It doesn't make for the best conflict

resolution tactics.

I am accepting that there will always be crises. There will always be slips and

our respective predispositions to certains types of screw-ups are there to stay.

But I hope we can come up with methods, ways, tricks to make things run

smoother. Maybe eventually I can learn to master my abandonment issues and not

interpret everything he does as him not loving me; and maybe eventually he can

feel at ease enough around me that he will let go of his anxiety more and more

and be the sweet guy he is when all is well.

M.

> >

> > > M: Greetings:

> > >

> > > It sounds like life is over whelming you at this moment. I have had this

list for a long time and your story is very similar of " some " NT spouses. Some

options are reading books and articles geared towards NT spouses. Another option

is to seek counseling or support for YOU. A good counselor or therapist can help

you sort out the issues and concentrate on YOU and not your spouse. Where do you

see yourself in 6 months? What are your dreams and ambition? Do you see yourself

growing old with him? There are a zillion questions to ask to help you rethink

your life at the present moment. You cannot change your partner, all you can do

it change yourself. He is a big boy and responsible for himself and his behavior

as much as you are in this relationship. Maybe you should take a break and

concentrate on YOU for a while. What do you want out of this relationship? What

needs do you need to have met to continue on? It is NOT selfish to say, " It is

all about me " . Do you see yourself in a care taker role? Some do, and are happy

in this role. What does " M " want?

> > >

> > > I guess the real question is, what do YOU want out of this relationship

and what is non-negotiable? Think about this and make a list. It will help you

to set healthy boundaries for yourself and partner. He should do the same.

> > >

> > > Just my 2 cents worth.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Special,

Just chipping in my bit here. I really appreciate and identify with what you

have written here, and I am probably just a couple of baby steps ahead (ish!).

I have Bipolar, so I can really identify with having strong feelings, and

feeling overwhelmed too. I also grew up with a rather unhinged mother, with

borderline traits, but remains undiagnosed. She's also an alcoholic.

I really appreciate what the other's have written, and I must say it's really

helpful to me. My hubby has been going through an 'unbending' returning to

unhelpful aspie behaviours after being really successful in adjusting some of

them, to be more supportive. As I say to him, 'you are only part aspie - the

rest is NT!' and it's true, because given the right approach, he's able to look

at himself and our relationship objectively and behave quite 'normally' and says

that it makes him happy! So the return to the old habits does mystify us both.

What has changed is my ability to appropriately challenge that behaviour, such

as moaning when I buy myself a new coat and trainers (both reduced but too

expensive in his eyes) through to being obnoxious and taking his stress out on

me. I have learned to establish boundaries to defend myself and assert my value

in the relationship, as like many other women here, I do a lot for him, which

often goes unrecognised. Looking after myself has been basic, but helps - like

eating regular meals, not resorting to a bottle of wine to be able to switch off

like he can! and remembering to be graceful. I was seeing a state psychiatrist,

and when I left, I decided to continue with counselling, and found a counsellor

who adjusted her fees according to what you can afford,and over the last

2.5-3years, she has been fantastic as a support, and well worth the money. Jon

now is happy to pay towards this, as he sees the benefits himself. We even did

some sessions (about 8) of couples counselling, which really helped too. It

helped us both understand eachother much better, although Jon does need a lot of

reminding at times, as he doesn't seem to be able to retain this information for

too long. That does perplex me, as he can retain oodles of information on

subjects that interest him! I have told him that he must make our relationship

a special interest, and he's working on it!

I also write in a battered old book. I write in it very little these days,

largely because I cope day to day much better, but it really helped me when

feeling overwhelmed, as I would write until it made sense, and I even ended up

with bullet points, and plans for what I would do about things, so it was very

helpful. I did warn hubby not to read it though, as it's just over emotional

bilge that a: he probably wouldn't understand and b: he would find deeply

offensive; so he stays clear of that book.

Looking forward from here, things are far more balanced. We're moving to

Germany, which is a big pressure, but we're coping ok, and I make sure he

recognises all the things I am doing to make this work, whilst he just goes to

work, then he'll stop work, get about 2 weeks off, then start at a new job.

That's enough for him, and he does try to support me when I am feeling

overwhelmed by practical contributions like washing, or hoovering. And I must

remember to thank him and praise him when he does, because in his world that's a

massive gesture, so I have to remember that.

My biggest priority though, was to find a therapist in Germany, who speaks

english, which I have done, and that will continue my counselling, to keep me

sane.

Must go, lots to do!

Take care and I hope you have fantastic break. Cherish yourself!

xx

> >

> > > M: Greetings:

> > >

> > > It sounds like life is over whelming you at this moment. I have had this

list for a long time and your story is very similar of " some " NT spouses. Some

options are reading books and articles geared towards NT spouses. Another option

is to seek counseling or support for YOU. A good counselor or therapist can help

you sort out the issues and concentrate on YOU and not your spouse. Where do you

see yourself in 6 months? What are your dreams and ambition? Do you see yourself

growing old with him? There are a zillion questions to ask to help you rethink

your life at the present moment. You cannot change your partner, all you can do

it change yourself. He is a big boy and responsible for himself and his behavior

as much as you are in this relationship. Maybe you should take a break and

concentrate on YOU for a while. What do you want out of this relationship? What

needs do you need to have met to continue on? It is NOT selfish to say, " It is

all about me " . Do you see yourself in a care taker role? Some do, and are happy

in this role. What does " M " want?

> > >

> > > I guess the real question is, what do YOU want out of this relationship

and what is non-negotiable? Think about this and make a list. It will help you

to set healthy boundaries for yourself and partner. He should do the same.

> > >

> > > Just my 2 cents worth.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>