Re: Cassandra and Apollo (Maxine Aston)

[Guest guest]

Am I missing something here? All I see is that is being quoted but not what she said or what CJ's remarks are!~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Tue, 28 Feb 2012 21:09:47 -0800To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: "Cassandra and Apollo" (Maxine Aston)

[Guest guest]

Am I missing something here? All I see is that is being quoted but not what she said or what CJ's remarks are!~ "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Albert Camus Sent from my VZW BlackBerrySender: aspires-relationships Date: Tue, 28 Feb 2012 21:09:47 -0800To: <aspires-relationships >ReplyTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: "Cassandra and Apollo" (Maxine Aston)

[Guest guest]

> CJ, are you sure you don't know my soon to be ex husband?

Nope... not to my knowledge, anyway. I guess I've just read enough

" partners of " groups over the years to understand a good cross-section

of the challenges (for the " NT " or " high functioning " Aspie women) in

these relationships.

Why did I join such groups as a non-participating member? Because my

late husband was the Cassandra partner in our marriage, and I really

wanted to immerse myself in a community who could educate me in the

goriest of detail what it was like to be married to an Aspie who had

little understanding of how to carry their weight in an adult relationship.

It was a painful read. But then, I readily admit to being a masochist.

And oh, how I recognized myself in the stories, and came to a new

appreciation of the ordeal that I unknowingly put my poor husband through.

Over time, I began to find balance in the heartbreaking stories shared

by Cassandra women, eventually being able to parse out the ways in which

these (mostly) codependent women also contributed to their own

unhappiness. That's not to say that their Aspie men weren't a real

handful (because they were), yet the problems in those relationships

went far beyond the scope of AS alone.

> You missed one:

>

> 8. refuses to admit that any of the above actions are his fault and instead

blames his partner, the kids, or the rest of the world for causing him to do

these things.

You're right, Liz. I missed a big one. I guess I've just become so

accustomed to this behavior within the AS community at large, that it

goes without saying that #8 will be a given for many Aspies. For me,

that sort of behavior has become just background noise.

> I'm sure the Cassandra Syndrome women would welcome me with open arms as one

of their own, right up to the point where I mention that I'm Aspie -- then I'd

be thrown out as a traitor. I *don't* blame stbx' behavior solely on his AS, but

on a combination of childhood abuse, getting prescribed the wrong meds, possible

bipolar, and yes, Aspergers.

I think it depends on the group, Liz. I've encountered a few Aspie-lite

women in these Cassandra groups who are married to the sort of Aspie men

I mentioned previously. Since their stories are so similar to the rest

of the so-called NT women, they fit in well provided they don't come out

in defense of the Aspie behaviors of these men. These are not generally

groups that appreciate anyone playing the devil's advocate. These

Cassandra women are in pain and thus may have a low threshold for anyone

perceived to be 'defending' behaviors that have brought so much pain

into their lives. In my experience, when people are in pain they lose

perspective, which means they aren't always thinking rationally. Thus,

they can be quick to regard a perceived Aspie 'defender' as minimizing

their experience.

> I do think there's such a thing as Cassandra Syndrome, but it's not " caused "

by marrying a man with AS. Rather, it happens because a woman is so wrapped up

in taking care of those around her that she forgets about self-care until she

burns out.

Well said, Liz. It happens to Cassandra men too... just ask my

codependent husband.

> I haven't been active for a bit … Valentine's Day was my one year

" trauma-versary, " a year after my marriage fell apart. I've been dealing with

severe stress over that, and then I got sick. I've also got the legal craziness

(stbx fired his lawyer just before we had a settlement, and everything is

postponed until his new lawyer gets up to speed), and I'm job hunting. And to

add to the craziness, the Freecycle group I managed for 7 years had a hostile

takeover.

>

Understood. You're posting again, and I'm happy for that. I too am

going through my own constellation of traumas right now (the foreclosure

is the worst), so I feel your pain. If I can't manage to find a job

within the next 6 weeks, do you know where I can find myself a nice warm

cardboard box that I can call home?

Best,

~CJ