Re: Hugs

[Guest guest]



I am one of these. Jennie AS

Hugs

Under the subject Re: Welcome, I know of other Aspies, like myself, who if forced at the wrong time into an unwanted hug, simply cringe until it's over.(dx'd 3 years ago at age 67)

[Guest guest]

I know this is a well trodden path.... I noticed that when some NT partners come onto Aspires, they often mention isolation or lack of tactile/spontaneity as an issue. The timing is crucial, as you rightly point out, . They have to be 'real' hugs, reciprocally given.

Its not about enforcing hugs on people - there is surely nothing worse than hugging some one who freezes up.

Nor is it about stilted, painting by numbers responses. Ian is willing to hug me when he is ready to, and he offers them readily as a solution for mutual affection, albeit in short bursts, and a solution that he is capable of enacting. But we have negotiated this over many years...

We aren't talking of screaming, over-effusive, octopus style intrusions. Just a quiet squeeze as an acknowledgement of shared intimacies.

I don't demand a hug. I once explained to Ian that a greeting, or a gift of his acknowledging I was sharing the same space, that such a small action was priceless to me.

Sometimes, it is I who doesn't wish to be hugged, I'm busy, have a back ache, or am darned annoyed at Ian about something.

The aspect of our hug routine that I need to clarify is, that ii is on the basis that hugs are 'given' by Ian, he instigates them. I miss out, because I cant offer them when he isn't in the mood. But he knows this, we've talked about the sensory horrors of a hug from strangers, or even those close to you, when you cant bear the thought of being touched.

Ian knows that I once found it both puzzling and hurtful at the times when he told me to go away - literally - out of his space. Even when in the same room, because he doesn't want another breather near him at that point. I compromise here and there for his AS involuntary responses, so our deal is, that when he wants to, he brokers a short burst of intimacy for me, that is tolerable and possible. Our deal is, he occasionally gives me a hug, when he feels right.

He enjoys a hug with me now, but doesn't hug others - my sister was an exception, when he was moved by her cancer ordeal.

Ian's hugs, therefore, are always sincerely given. He delights in my reaction; he feels better, after a quick hug, because I do. Just as in couples, you do little things for each other.

Until we talked about it, he didn't know that a small action could mean so much. For all the times he passes through the house ignoring me, immersed, or that he has not perceived my needs, this small action has a currency. It has vastly improved the short bursts of time we spend together during the day, for example. I don't mind so much, being ignored, because I know at some time or other, Ian will 'factor' in some time for me. In the ways that suit him. If that is a smile and a hug in the hallway, I feel great.

There has been much negotiation on the way. I simply mention hugs to those - both NT and AS - who post about a lack of open affection, or why this is important. Its one way of reaching a middle ground for demonstrating, if you will, how easily a quick burst of affection can pay dividends; even if it has to be asked for, even if it has to be learned and isn't easily given at first.

As Bill said recently, the good thing about the list here, is seeing the perspective from both sides, and the AS perspective given here has helped Ian and myself immensely. We can talk things through based on our renewed understanding of our different thinking.

I asked Ian about hugging, based on your reply, . I am aware that when he and I first met, he endured my puppy dog approach. I hugged and stroked, then, all the time. He then thought, I suppose I have to endure this, he found it flattering to garner so much attention. He gradually got colder towards me, thinking, I have done enough now, she loves me, I don't have to try so hard....he didn't know why I was upset at his distancing of himself once we began living together.

He was certainly, then in particular, at odds with my needs. Our jointly learning about his AS helped a great deal and we worked out a daily life based on his 'time out' requirements, and I learned that it wasn't personal.

Ian says he used to give me affection because it was expected of him, so he obliged, in the same manner as 'pass the salt'. I've written here before about how Ian used to say, every morning 'I love you'. But he said it in a stilted way, like a chore, like brushing his teeth every day. He agreed that he 'planned' saying the phrase, frightened that I might go off him if he didn't say it all the time, and he used to remind himself to say it, hence it sounding odd.

After this, we talked about displays of affection, and how we could freely give them. He now knows that a show of sincere affection, to say 'hello, I care', is important to me, but it cant be scripted. And he realises, affectionate gestures are important to him, too. He is a needy person. Hugs fulfil that to some extent. His early attempts were not worth having, a quick grasp of the elbows, he didn't mean it. I stopped 'asking' for hugs, but explained to Ian that I did love having them from him. We've got past the awkward stage. We hug gently, now, and say nice things to each other for a few seconds. Its nice. Its gone from a practice to being wanted and sincere. Ian likes them because he feels appreciated and loved, by being the giver. Mawkish as that may sound.

He still ignores me a lot - yesterday I was in bed with flu, and the only interaction for some hours was a ten second burst of his new Star Trek phaser, when if I had been hugged, that would have been better! So being pushy gets you nowhere....

That is why he offers them when he feels that he means that sentiment. And why I feel less isolated and appreciated. Even if for a short while :-))

Judy B, Scotland, benefiting from a little bit sharing

Sent from Judy Barrow's iPad

Under the subject Re: Welcome, On Tue, 3 Jan 2012 at 19:53:09 +0000 (GMT) JUDY BARROW wrote:> Communicate, understand, validate, and try hugging. He may not be a> 'hug-ee' but tell him it does YOU good.I've a feeling we've discussed some aspects of this before, but I'd like to raise it again if I may.My comments relate not only to Judy's above suggestion to , but to what seems to have become quite a widespread habit on this list of adding "hugs" or "cyber-hugs" as a form of encouragement to posters, particularly NT female posters, who are perceived to be in need of support.From my own particular AS standpoint I see hugging as an act that comes much more naturally to NT females than it does to AS males. My opinion is that this is probably partly due to basic AS issues, and partly due to sensory issues that often accompany AS. Not all Aspies are

affected the same way, by any means, but there are certainly some of us who react unfavourably to unsolicited hugs and to requests to give hugs.In my own case, sadly you may say, there's no-one in my life at the moment who I'd feel comfortable hugging with. It hasn't always been like that with me; there have been just a few people and a few brief times in my life when hugs have felt great, and I very much hope there will be more, but to me, hugs are quite a deep expression of understanding and sympathy, and this isn't something that comes spontaneously.So my point is that in mixed AS/NT environments, which I believe is what Aspires is all about, there's a need for an element of understanding and caution that hugs may sometimes be more divisive than binding. I know of other Aspies, like myself, who if forced at the wrong time into an unwanted hug, simply cringe until it's over.I don't

want to belittle the power and therapeutic value of hugs to both participants given the right environment, but I think it would be a mistake to assume they are always universally beneficial.(dx'd 3 years ago at age 67)