Simple communication tools I wish to share with you.

[Guest guest]

As a part of my research for better ways to communicate with my AS partner, I

spoke to a social worker who introduced me to certain communication tools

developed by Claude Steiner. The process may seem very simple, but it was a huge

breakthrough for us since we were doing things VERY differently before trying to

apply this method.

I will start by listing the different steps, then I will talk about what we were

doing differently. The method goes as follows:

If an issue arises, especially a highly emotional one,

1) Negotiate a future time to discuss the issue, without mentioning the issue

itself. This allows the other (in our case, mainly the AS) partner to prepare to

the idea of an involved discussion where they will be required to really listen

to and hear out another point of view.

2) When said time comes, usually both parties are less emotional than they would

have been had the issue been brought up as soon as it happened. The person who

has something to communicate (in our case, usually the NT) speaks, the other

listens. The communication must look a little like this: " When [situation]

happened, I felt [feeling: hurt, sad, disappointed]. "

3) After the speaking [in our case, NT] partner has said what they had to say,

the other [in our case, AS] person may NOT reply. There is to be no questioning

in the form of " Why do you feel this way? " or any reaction at all. The point of

this communication is simply to INFORM the other person of one's feelings, not

justify oneself nor make demands. They must take it in and reflect before

getting back to the other person at a later time.

4) When the listening [in our case, AS] person has taken some hours or days to

contemplate their [in our case, NT] partner's emotions, they may get back to

them with reactions. This should take the form of a VERIFICATION or one's

impressions rather than a statement, in order to reduce the chance of jumping to

conclusions. For example, " You're just criticizing everything I do, you think

I'm doing everything wrong! " becomes " When you said that, it seemed to me like

you were criticizing me and saying I am doing everything wrong. Is that the

case, is this what you meant? " . Then the other [NT] partner may answer and

correct or confirm these impressions in order to answer the [AS] partner's

fears, if they are prone to taking things hard or being a bit paranoid. These

verifications must always be in the form of a question. From there, the

communication may continue.

5) These tools are meant to inform the other [AS] partner of an emotion, not to

make demands. The theory is that the receiving partner will take it upon

themselves to modify their behaviour or be aware of the issue in order to

minimize negative interactions.

6) There should be a pact of non-agression made between both parties. This means

there will be no:

- low blows;

- yelling;

- insults;

- throwing objects or other threatening behaviours;

- accusations;

- etc.

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This seems to me like it requires an open minded partner who is willing to take

the other's feelings into account. I personally have found that, unless the [AS]

partner specifically requests input and advice from their [NT] partner as to

what sorts of changes would help the situation, making demands of a stubborn

spouse rarely yields anything good. I am personally in a relationship with a

willing, if empathically-challenged, AS partner. So this seemed like a good tool

for us.

What were we doing differently? We asked " Why? " at each other's feelings, then

criticized each other a lot for reactions that we deemed unjustified. This

sounds awful, I know, and it is. Both of us got into this habit. I think it

started with my Aspie's obsession with rationalization. He needs reasoning

behind everything, and the feelings I expressed were no exception. So we got

into this habit of giving and demanding each other rational reasonings whenever

we expressed how we felt about something. Of course this created neverending

arguments since we obviously disagree a lot about what emotional reaction is

appropriate in which context!

Removing the justification element helped a lot. It's still difficult sometimes

but when we catch ourselves and tell each other " We said there would be no

why's! " , this usually stops the argument. Of course old habits die hard, but

since we decided that neither of us should justify how we feel to each other,

and that both of us should be mindful of each other's emotions regardless of if

we agree with them or understand them, things have been flowing easier.

I hope this will help some of you.