(recommended article) Good, Better, Best

[Guest guest]

This little article appeared in today's Gray Center newsletter.

Unfortunately, there is no link to the article (that I could find,

anyway) so I've included it here in its entirety and with full attribution.

Personally, I've become very gun-shy about taking positions that

encourage folks to give their best (even when it's hard), as this seems

to be such a sensitive topic for many.

Hopefully the author's perspective might encourage more folks to look at

this issue in a more positive way.

Best,

~CJ

----------------------

Social Incites

Socialization insights which incite (encourage) personal and

interpersonal growth.

Copyright Laurel A. Falvo, CFLE

1/3/12 Good, Better, Best

Far, farther, farthest.

High, higher, highest.

Hard, harder, hardest.

Good, better, best...

Do you remember doing this in elementary school? We learn to name

comparisons between words, organizing them from least to greatest.

Yet this represents an interesting phenomenon to me as a social coach.

For some reason, many of us, when faced with a suggestion or challenge

to go farther, climb higher, or work harder, assume that our starting

point must then be “bad.” We become defensive or withdrawn. We feel

depressed, or resent the thought that our efforts should be “better.” We

might be tempted to give up. The results can be crippling to our

relationships and our personal progress.

What strategy can we use to overcome this tendency, so that we can still

experience success?

1. Recognize that each of these comparisons represents a continuum.

None of them starts at a “negative.” Instead, each has a starting point

that shows that we’re on a journey, and looking forward.

2. Define your goal. Where are you headed? If we think we need to be

THE farthest, highest, or best, it may seem overwhelming. However, if we

focus on the middle word, always striving to go farther, climb higher,

work harder, or do better, we may find that we’ve come farther than we

ever have before, we’ve climbed higher than we thought possible, we’ve

worked harder than we knew we could, and we’ve made the best use of our

time and abilities.

3. Don’t look back; look forward! Whatever your starting point is,

keep your eyes on your goal, and keep putting one foot in front of the

other to make sure we’re moving forward on this journey.

Regardless of how you feel about yourself as a spouse, parent,

grandparent, teacher, student, therapist, friend, sibling, etc., I hope

you’ll challenge yourself and those around you to be the best you can

be, striving in 2012 to go farther, climb higher, work harder, and do

better!

Happy New Year!

Laurel Falvo, CFLE

Certified Family Life Educator

Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding

http://www.thegraycenter.org/

[Guest guest]

CJ,Much as I appreciate the sentiments behind the fully attributed article from the Gray Center, this isn't a necessarily either a realistic or workable approach for committed relationships. They have their ups and downs, and whether one is doing one's "best" is such a matter of differing perspective as well as attributable to things one can and can't control, I don't think I'm being overly critical in suggesting that the smiley-face approach doesn't "always" work. Sometimes, things are just *(%)#$^)@, and no matter whether one thinks of half full, half empty, or equivalent metaphors, for both partners, at that particular time, things aren't sunny, and that "ain't funny." Where the author really misses it is in acknowledging the significance of retrenchment to a safety zone or a position of greater comfort, and that applies to both partners. Safe harbors are just that...they may not be the best, but for the time being, they may represent the least complicated resolution to a situation that then allows other problems to be remembered, let alone tackled.So, it isn't always gung ho, the best heave, or any of that. Sometimes it's just a matter of knowing there's a storm out there, and weathering through it. To be survivor, one doesn't have to be perfect, or even the best. Perhaps the article's author has been viewing too many reality TV shows.One of the things that's great about members' posts here is the acknowledgment of range of options, which certainly can include ranges of expectations and hope, not just shootin' fur the ultimate "best." Sometimes just OK is best. If that could at least be be acknowledged as an option, how many here wouldn't just breathe a short sigh of relief?Oh, and a final observation: adults usually learn more from their mistakes than they do from their successes. I'm speaking in the abstract here, but because most folks relish understanding, where looking back and reviewing an awkward or less than ideal situation is often more helpful than just charging ahead or putting one foot in front of the other, as the article's author proposes. Such a healthy approach to perspective taking is the foundation of Harvard University's School of Managment, and is at the core of their "case study method." It's also the basis for sensitively performed "social autopsies," long a favored tool of sociologists and students of the sociology of knowledge. Incidentally, there's no absolute rule about "when" a look back, or parsing the parts would be helpful. If something or someone is really damaging at the present moment, sometimes just stopping the damage by not doing anything further may offer relief. At that moment, it may not be necessary or even possible to perform a fully social autopsy, but one has at least observed one of the rules of survival: do no further harm. It's also a basic principle in first aid.

If only more educators used this adult-appropriate problem-solving approach, perhaps we'd see modeling their adult students could emulate? N. Meyer (recommended article) Good, Better, Best>>>>This little article appeared in today's Gray Center newsletter. >Unfortunately, there is no link to the article (that I could find, >anyway) so I've included it here in its entirety and with full attribution.>>Personally, I've become very gun-shy about taking positions that >encourage folks to give their best (even when it's hard), as this seems >to be such a sensitive topic for many.>>Hopefully the author's perspective might encourage more folks to look at >this issue in a more positive way.>>Best,>~CJ>>---------------------->>Social Incites>Socialization insights which incite (encourage) personal and >interpersonal growth.>>Copyright Laurel A. Falvo, CFLE>>1/3/12 Good, Better, Best>>Far, farther, farthest.>High, higher, highest.>Hard, harder, hardest.>Good, better, best...>>Do you remember doing this in elementary school? We learn to name >comparisons between words, organizing them from least to greatest.>>Yet this represents an interesting phenomenon to me as a social coach.>>For some reason, many of us, when faced with a suggestion or challenge >to go farther, climb higher, or work harder, assume that our starting >point must then be “bad.†We become defensive or withdrawn. We feel >depressed, or resent the thought that our efforts should be “better.†We >might be tempted to give up. The results can be crippling to our >relationships and our personal progress.>>What strategy can we use to overcome this tendency, so that we can still >experience success?>>1. Recognize that each of these comparisons represents a continuum. >None of them starts at a “negative.†Instead, each has a starting point >that shows that we’re on a journey, and looking forward.>>2. Define your goal. Where are you headed? If we think we need to be >THE farthest, highest, or best, it may seem overwhelming. However, if we >focus on the middle word, always striving to go farther, climb higher, >work harder, or do better, we may find that we’ve come farther than we >ever have before, we’ve climbed higher than we thought possible, we’ve >worked harder than we knew we could, and we’ve made the best use of our >time and abilities.>>3. Don’t look back; look forward! Whatever your starting point is, >keep your eyes on your goal, and keep putting one foot in front of the >other to make sure we’re moving forward on this journey.>>Regardless of how you feel about yourself as a spouse, parent, >grandparent, teacher, student, therapist, friend, sibling, etc., I hope >you’ll challenge yourself and those around you to be the best you can >be, striving in 2012 to go farther, climb higher, work harder, and do >better!>>Happy New Year!>>Laurel Falvo, CFLE>Certified Family Life Educator>Executive Director, The Gray Center for Social Learning and Understanding>http://www.thegraycenter.org/>>>>------------------------------------>> "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.>Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony >It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.>We all contribute to the song of life."> ...Sondra >> We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.>> ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.>Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author.> Do NOT post mail off-list without the author's permission.> When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at:> http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm> ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER> http://www.aspires-relationships.com>

[Guest guest]

,

I think you may be reading way too much into the article. I don't

believe the article was referring to relationship dynamics at all.

As I read it, the message was about adopting more positive associations

with being encouraged to stretch beyond one's comfort zone in an effort

to reach goals, whatever they may be.

On a more general note....

I've noticed that you don't seem to particularly care for the articles

and authors I share with the group. This isn't the first one that

you've dissected out to the Nth degree, explaining every little nit and

pick with respect to the subject matter or the author in general.

Seriously, you won't hurt my feelings at all if you choose not to

acknowledge any resources I might share with the group that don't

particularly speak to your way of thinking. In my experience, that

seems to be what most people do in similar situations -- if the resource

isn't helpful to them, they simply ignore it and move on without comment.

I think that's a good approach. Not only does it conserve time, it

doesn't create a chilling effect that discourages others (especially

newer members) from sharing resources with the group, knowing they will

face repeated criticism from the same individuals.

Best,

~CJ

rogernmeyer@... wrote:

> CJ,

>

> Much as I appreciate the sentiments behind the fully attributed article

> from the Gray Center, this isn't a necessarily either a realistic or

> workable approach for committed relationships. They have their ups and

> downs, and whether one is doing one's " best " is such a matter of

> differing perspective as well as attributable to things one can and

> can't control, I don't think I'm being overly critical in suggesting

> that the smiley-face approach doesn't " always " work.

>

> Sometimes, things are just *(%)#$^)@, and no matter whether one thinks

> of half full, half empty, or equivalent metaphors, for both partners, at

> that particular time, things aren't sunny, and that " ain't funny. " Where

> the author really misses it is in acknowledging the significance of

> retrenchment to a safety zone or a position of greater comfort, and that

> applies to both partners. Safe harbors are just that...they may not be

> the best, but for the time being, they may represent the least

> complicated resolution to a situation that then allows other problems to

> be remembered, let alone tackled.

>

> So, it isn't always gung ho, the best heave, or any of that. Sometimes

> it's just a matter of knowing there's a storm out there, and weathering

> through it. To be survivor, one doesn't have to be perfect, or even the

> best. Perhaps the article's author has been viewing too many reality TV

> shows.

>

> One of the things that's great about members' posts here is the

> acknowledgment of range of options, which certainly can include ranges

> of expectations and hope, not just shootin' fur the ultimate " best. "

> Sometimes just OK is best. If that could at least be be acknowledged as

> an option, how many here wouldn't just breathe a short sigh of relief?

>

> Oh, and a final observation: adults usually learn more from their

> mistakes than they do from their successes. I'm speaking in the abstract

> here, but because most folks relish understanding, where looking back

> and reviewing an awkward or less than ideal situation is often more

> helpful than just charging ahead or putting one foot in front of the

> other, as the article's author proposes. Such a healthy approach to

> perspective taking is the foundation of Harvard University's School of

> Managment, and is at the core of their " case study method. " It's also

> the basis for sensitively performed " social autopsies, " long a favored

> tool of sociologists and students of the sociology of knowledge.

> Incidentally, there's no absolute rule about " when " a look back, or

> parsing the parts would be helpful. If something or someone is really

> damaging at the present moment, sometimes just stopping the damage by

> not doing anything further may offer relief. At that moment, it may not

> be necessary or even possible to perform a fully social autopsy, but one

> has at least observed one of the rules of survival: do no *further*

> harm. It's also a basic principle in first aid.

>

>

>

> If only more educators used this adult-appropriate problem-solving

> approach, perhaps we'd see modeling their adult students could emulate?

>

> N. Meyer

>