We separated

[Guest guest]

Well, I thought I was going to stay with my AS husband for life. But we

separated on June 29. Our anniversary was Sunday, July 1, for 33 years of

marriage. I have already filed for divorce. As usual, I am confused about how he

is feeling.

On Thurs June 28, I told him that I thought we needed to put in the air

conditioner the following evening (104 degrees out). He said no. He said that I

could get an air conditioner just for the room we use for the computer, TV, etc.

I told him that would not be enough. I asked him if he would help me put it up.

He didn't respond. The next day after work I asked my neighbor to help me put it

in. We put it in and I had it running when my husband came home. He walked over

and turned it off. I said I needed it on. He told me that he had told me

no. I got up and turned it back on. He went and turned it off at the breaker. I

told him I couldn't tolerate the heat and he said I could. I turned it on at the

breaker again, and he got up and took a screwdriver to dismantle the breaker

box. I told him not to bother--that I was leaving. I said that if I leave, I

would not be back. He didn't say anything. I asked him if he was trying to drive

me away and he said no. I told him I couldn't believe he was doing this

and said there were two people here. He said he was the one who mattered. I

packed as much as I could and went over to my neighbor's for the next few days.

Then I stayed with another couple for two nights, etc. until I moved into a

little house I am now renting.

We did not contact each other. He moved my stuff out into boxes on the covered

patio. I got some friends and we moved the rest of my stuff on the 4th of

JUly--fortunately, he wasn't there. I've gone back a couple of times to get some

things I forgot while he was at work. Today, he had changed the locks. He called

me at work today and asked if I would meet him at a restaurant and he would buy

me lunch. I asked what we were going to talk about and he said " anything

civilized. " I met him there and wondered what he would say. He

basically just acted like he always did--talking a little bit about this and

that. I asked him why he wanted to meet and he said just to find out what's

going on. When we went out to the cars, he had stuff for me to take as well as

my mail. He said we oculd make this nasty or decent. I said I didn't want it to

be nasty. He wanted us to negotiate ourselves how to divide everything. I told

him I didn't know that we could actually do that because we wouldn't agree.

He told me what he wanted. He also said he wondered if we had just bought the

air conditioner for the other room that none of this would have happened. I

reminded him that he said he was the only one who mattered. He said he would

like me to one day explain why I have been so mad at him and have hated him. I

said I hadn't been and that I have never hated him. He just smirked like he

didn't believe me. I told him that he had been acting like he wanted a single

life for a long time. He said he was tired of the tantrums (whenever I got

angry, he considered it a tantrum). I told him I was tired of the grouchiness

every night. I told him that it was always considered all my fault and why would

I put myself through that by talking to him about it. He asked if I wasn't a

little curious. I said that if he wants me to talk about my feelings, he can

start by telling me about his. Then I would consider it. Our typical pattern has

always been him asking me a million questions and expecting me to be very open

but then him not saying anything about himself. Maybe he is

incapable, I don't know, but it always made me feel like a fool.

Anyway, now I am feeling kind of upset about his thinking I was mad and hated

him. I realize in my head that his AS makes him think the worst about how others

are treating him and doesn't allow him to see how his own behavior contributes

to the reactions and problems. But it is still getting to me.

I must say, though, that I have been more happy since we separated. Less

confusion and trying to figure out what he wants. I still care about him and

love him, but I'm glad it is over.