Guest guest Posted June 30, 2012 Report Share Posted June 30, 2012 Thank you Margaret, I know that you have not come by that wisdom easily and I appreciate your sharing it. Just loved: " count your blessings instead of your sorrows " . It is after all one of the choices we do have. All Blessings, Peace, Love and Harmony, Bev > > After over 20 years of experience with various chronic health problems, I am of the belief that there is no such thing as quitting (unless you mean suicide) whether you know how to pamper yourself or not. Back in the 90s I used to say to myself " I don't know if I can take much more of this " and similar things but I learned that I can take whatever is dished out to me because I simply have no choice. None whatsoever. And neither does anyone else. I have found that thinking such things only makes me feel much worse. And while someone else's pain does not invalidate my own pain, I do, when I am feeling sorry for myself, think of how much worse is the load that many others must carry. And I hear my Dad, who has been gone 15 years, tell me what he said to me so many times as I was growing up " And when did I ever tell you that life is fair? " I am thankful to have all of my limbs, that both of my sons grew to adulthood without any life-threatening diseases or life-destroying mistakes, that I have a husband who loves and supports me, that I have all of my basic needs met and anything beyond that doesn't really matter, and that I am still breathing today. If you want to feel better, count your blessings instead of your sorrows, listen to upbeat music or watch a funny movie, even try simply forcing a smile. That isn't pampering, it is just being pragmatic and sensible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 I'de give you a round of applause for your bravely stating life sucks some days but at the moment it would hurt to much or cause more new and alluring symptoms its bad enough i have summer fire skin. so ill just say girl i relate. for some reason in the midst of summer i get worse so much for that psdo diagnosis of seasonal affective hahahha. there are times and places were i neither want or need a pep talk as all i want is to vent say bah hum bug and if it wouldn't cause a flare boy would i throw a mother of all temper tantrums but that would only result in making myself useless for yet more days. we all try to pull each other up by the bootstraps cause we all know what it feels like to be down and that's all that margaret was trying to do as some days we use others as sounding boards for our own pep talks as if we talk it we can walk it. but no one is disagreeing with you that this whole journey sucks so much and i can relate to having a less than desirable support system in my home its the sick taking care of the sicker. and after fighting the good fight for so long some days instead of having my support system helping me up from the mire ide much rather have them come on down and play in the mud with me, and after awhile we decide to get back up and go about the day fresh from the release of all that pent up uck hope your day and symptoms are getting better mine suck big time if i dont want to hurt i can take a pill but then useless because between pill and heat to nauseous to move.so in between naps i will attempt to live my so callled life. just breathe that is if it wont cause your chest to hurt more. in that case just grin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 Besides my general health problems, I smashed my shoulder in 1977. There was extensive soft tissue damage and I developed avascular necrosis (where areas of bone die due to lack of blood flow) due to blood vessel damage. I had laser surgery in 1996, then partial joint replacement in 2004. Six months ago, I had to have full replacement and when they went in to do it, they found that I had worn the socket almost completely away and were only able to install the smallest prosthesis they make after doing a bone graft. I was told that I can never have another replacement (I am 53) so my activity (already greatly restricted) would be more restricted to avoid wear on the prosthesis as well as any risk of injury. I have been struggling to recover from this surgery but persistent swelling has made that unbelievably difficult. I have made virtually no progress in 6 months and am not able to do much of anything. I have also been told that the swelling is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life. My message was not scolding you. It was telling you how I deal with those kinds of feelings. I will repeat - I have found that telling myself things like " I want to quit " or " I can't take much more of this " DO NOT HELP! If I start talking like that to myself, I tell myself what I told you. It is a simple fact that every minute that I spend feeling sorry for myself is time that I could have been feeling better if I had been thinking better. If what I tell myself isn't helping you, then I am sorry but it is no more and no less than I would say to my husband, my children or my best friend. As for me having my needs met, I was referring to being happy with what I have (very little) not to having what I want. We live on very limited income and I do my best to remember that it is enough. It is a mindset. Margie > > I am quite new to this group and believe i have previously posted to the group attempting to encourage everyone to look for the light when feeling despondent and to hold to hope. When i posted 'A Dark Day' i was sticking my neck out saying i wasnt having a very good day. I hoped someone would say they understood where i was in that moment. I don't see what i said as not being gratelul for what i have or feeling sorry for myself Margaret, i have been fighting illness for 40 yrs. I lost my work. I've not had a supportive family and always a means of having all my needs met. Have you asked yourself what it would be like if you had not had the things you stated were everything to you and you were having a day when everything didnt feel rosie. Would you want to be able to say something to a group whose purpose in some part is to offer understanding support and come away feeling understood ratheq than scolded and told to not be feeling sorry for yourself? > Though i do agree it is better to coumt blessings as you spoke of and not fixate on the negative, i feel like you were not seeing my life and feelings in the midst of yours. Just thought i'd say so and still appreciate what i hope was your attempt to be of help and i believe we could all benefit by thinking more about what the circumstances of anothers life have been. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 Also, Jo, I had to quit working in 2005 due to my health problems and had only been able to work part-time from home for many years prior to that. My siblings thought it was all in my head, even my shoulder problems, and I suffered their abuse for many years. I finally went to a psychiatrist in 2003 who happened to specialize in treating chronic pain and sleep disorders specifically to GET MY SIBLINGS OFF MY BACK. After two years, she told me that I needed to end my relationships with my siblings because they were abusive and unlikely to ever change. I have had very little contact with them since then. My mother died when I was 13 in 1972 and my father has been gone for 15 years. So when I say I have a supportive husband and sons (who are 26 and have their own lives), it doesn't mean I haven't suffered the relationship issues that so many with chronic illness suffer. It also doesn't mean that I don't have to deal with the fact that my relationship with my husband is very unbalanced because he does so much and I do so little or that I don't worry about being able to give him enough for his own health and happiness. I did not minimize or trivialize your problems or pain as my siblings did with me. I did not imply that there was nothing wrong with you or that you were inventing your pain. I simply told you what I tell myself when I get down. > > I am quite new to this group and believe i have previously posted to the group attempting to encourage everyone to look for the light when feeling despondent and to hold to hope. When i posted 'A Dark Day' i was sticking my neck out saying i wasnt having a very good day. I hoped someone would say they understood where i was in that moment. I don't see what i said as not being gratelul for what i have or feeling sorry for myself Margaret, i have been fighting illness for 40 yrs. I lost my work. I've not had a supportive family and always a means of having all my needs met. Have you asked yourself what it would be like if you had not had the things you stated were everything to you and you were having a day when everything didnt feel rosie. Would you want to be able to say something to a group whose purpose in some part is to offer understanding support and come away feeling understood ratheq than scolded and told to not be feeling sorry for yourself? > Though i do agree it is better to coumt blessings as you spoke of and not fixate on the negative, i feel like you were not seeing my life and feelings in the midst of yours. Just thought i'd say so and still appreciate what i hope was your attempt to be of help and i believe we could all benefit by thinking more about what the circumstances of anothers life have been. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 Also, Jo, I had to quit working in 2005 due to my health problems and had only been able to work part-time from home for many years prior to that. My siblings thought it was all in my head, even my shoulder problems, and I suffered their abuse for many years. I finally went to a psychiatrist in 2003 who happened to specialize in treating chronic pain and sleep disorders specifically to GET MY SIBLINGS OFF MY BACK. After two years, she told me that I needed to end my relationships with my siblings because they were abusive and unlikely to ever change. I have had very little contact with them since then. My mother died when I was 13 in 1972 and my father has been gone for 15 years. So when I say I have a supportive husband and sons (who are 26 and have their own lives), it doesn't mean I haven't suffered the relationship issues that so many with chronic illness suffer. It also doesn't mean that I don't have to deal with the fact that my relationship with my husband is very unbalanced because he does so much and I do so little or that I don't worry about being able to give him enough for his own health and happiness. I did not minimize or trivialize your problems or pain as my siblings did with me. I did not imply that there was nothing wrong with you or that you were inventing your pain. I simply told you what I tell myself when I get down. > > I am quite new to this group and believe i have previously posted to the group attempting to encourage everyone to look for the light when feeling despondent and to hold to hope. When i posted 'A Dark Day' i was sticking my neck out saying i wasnt having a very good day. I hoped someone would say they understood where i was in that moment. I don't see what i said as not being gratelul for what i have or feeling sorry for myself Margaret, i have been fighting illness for 40 yrs. I lost my work. I've not had a supportive family and always a means of having all my needs met. Have you asked yourself what it would be like if you had not had the things you stated were everything to you and you were having a day when everything didnt feel rosie. Would you want to be able to say something to a group whose purpose in some part is to offer understanding support and come away feeling understood ratheq than scolded and told to not be feeling sorry for yourself? > Though i do agree it is better to coumt blessings as you spoke of and not fixate on the negative, i feel like you were not seeing my life and feelings in the midst of yours. Just thought i'd say so and still appreciate what i hope was your attempt to be of help and i believe we could all benefit by thinking more about what the circumstances of anothers life have been. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 2, 2012 Report Share Posted July 2, 2012 Also, Jo, I had to quit working in 2005 due to my health problems and had only been able to work part-time from home for many years prior to that. My siblings thought it was all in my head, even my shoulder problems, and I suffered their abuse for many years. I finally went to a psychiatrist in 2003 who happened to specialize in treating chronic pain and sleep disorders specifically to GET MY SIBLINGS OFF MY BACK. After two years, she told me that I needed to end my relationships with my siblings because they were abusive and unlikely to ever change. I have had very little contact with them since then. My mother died when I was 13 in 1972 and my father has been gone for 15 years. So when I say I have a supportive husband and sons (who are 26 and have their own lives), it doesn't mean I haven't suffered the relationship issues that so many with chronic illness suffer. It also doesn't mean that I don't have to deal with the fact that my relationship with my husband is very unbalanced because he does so much and I do so little or that I don't worry about being able to give him enough for his own health and happiness. I did not minimize or trivialize your problems or pain as my siblings did with me. I did not imply that there was nothing wrong with you or that you were inventing your pain. I simply told you what I tell myself when I get down. > > I am quite new to this group and believe i have previously posted to the group attempting to encourage everyone to look for the light when feeling despondent and to hold to hope. When i posted 'A Dark Day' i was sticking my neck out saying i wasnt having a very good day. I hoped someone would say they understood where i was in that moment. I don't see what i said as not being gratelul for what i have or feeling sorry for myself Margaret, i have been fighting illness for 40 yrs. I lost my work. I've not had a supportive family and always a means of having all my needs met. Have you asked yourself what it would be like if you had not had the things you stated were everything to you and you were having a day when everything didnt feel rosie. Would you want to be able to say something to a group whose purpose in some part is to offer understanding support and come away feeling understood ratheq than scolded and told to not be feeling sorry for yourself? > Though i do agree it is better to coumt blessings as you spoke of and not fixate on the negative, i feel like you were not seeing my life and feelings in the midst of yours. Just thought i'd say so and still appreciate what i hope was your attempt to be of help and i believe we could all benefit by thinking more about what the circumstances of anothers life have been. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 3, 2012 Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 Jo, I have had some time to think about your post and have realized something. You reacted to my post as though it came from someone who was not chronically ill. I have no doubt you have gotten the " buck up and you'll feel better " message from healthies around you, as all of us have, and I think most of us react the way that you did to me when it happens to us. But I am not a heathy. And you read what I wrote without remembering that. I did lose my siblings. I also lost a marriage to my health problems in 2001 and instantly went from a custom-built home to an old trailer in a trailer park with my 15 yo sons and got to pay $450 a month Cobra payments for the health insurance I had through my husband. Within 2 years my life savings were gone. If you had read my message without getting angry, you would realize that I talked about losing my work (in 2005) and not being able to get off the couch for 2 years. In that section I told what was the most life-saving insight I learned from that experience which is the greatest gift I can give to someone else who has lost the ability to work. That you can be useful to others by listening to them and supporting them and even have a greater impact than if you were able-bodied has kept me going more times than I can count. I get SS disability, thank God, but my husband is a blue-collar worker and we live in Appalachia where jobs have never been plentiful. He works on the side so that we can make ends meet and I can tell you that I haven't bought a pair of jeans anywhere but Goodwill in over a decade. But I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body and enough food to eat, which is what I meant by having my needs met and no, I have not always been so fortunate. I also said that I get down too and feel sorry for myself but that it doesn't last long. And THE REASON THAT IT DOESN'T LAST LONG is because I am such a strong believer in what I wrote to you - that we don't have a choice in whether we are sick, only in how we respond to it. Getting out of a " downer " is MUCH quicker for me now because it is only a matter of remembering that and forcing myself to accept it once more. I forget and remember over and over again but I also get better and better at remembering as I go along. It isn't " my philosophy " , it is a pure and simple fact of life. And it is BY FAR the most important thing that has made my life better for so very many years. Probably second to it is thinking about the impact my choice has on those who love me - my husband and sons. If I am miserable, they are too, and do I have a right to make them feel that way? What good does it do me for them to feel badly? If I can be even minimally cheerful, I make their lives much better instead of pulling them down and that really matters. Even if I can't be cheerful, I can focus on THEM rather than myself and that is almost as good. You said " i hope was your attempt to be of help " . Yes, I was attempting to help you but no one can help you unless you are willing to be helped. I have been where you are, many times, and I do understand how you feel as I have felt that way many times. I told you how I get out of it. If you don't want to take the hand I extended, I can't make you, but if you don't, you will just spend that much longer in the dark. It is YOUR CHOICE. BTW, my shoulder surgeon told me yesterday that I may very well have this shoulder swelling for the rest of my life (after telling me in March that it might last " several months " ). It would appear that my lymph system may be permanently damaged and only time will tell whether or not it will get better. And my shoulder is but one of a number of health problems I contend with. Be careful when you are on one of these support groups not to make assumptions about someone else's state of health because YOU DO NOT KNOW what their situation is. I did not minimize your problems or your pain but you did mine. I know what it is to not feel rosie, in fact, I can't remember when I last did feel that way. Just because I counted some of my blessings does not mean that I don't have my own burdens to carry. I wish you all the best. Margie > > I am quite new to this group and believe i have previously posted to the group attempting to encourage everyone to look for the light when feeling despondent and to hold to hope. When i posted 'A Dark Day' i was sticking my neck out saying i wasnt having a very good day. I hoped someone would say they understood where i was in that moment. I don't see what i said as not being gratelul for what i have or feeling sorry for myself Margaret, i have been fighting illness for 40 yrs. I lost my work. I've not had a supportive family and always a means of having all my needs met. Have you asked yourself what it would be like if you had not had the things you stated were everything to you and you were having a day when everything didnt feel rosie. Would you want to be able to say something to a group whose purpose in some part is to offer understanding support and come away feeling understood ratheq than scolded and told to not be feeling sorry for yourself? > Though i do agree it is better to coumt blessings as you spoke of and not fixate on the negative, i feel like you were not seeing my life and feelings in the midst of yours. Just thought i'd say so and still appreciate what i hope was your attempt to be of help and i believe we could all benefit by thinking more about what the circumstances of anothers life have been. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 3, 2012 Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 Jo, I have had some time to think about your post and have realized something. You reacted to my post as though it came from someone who was not chronically ill. I have no doubt you have gotten the " buck up and you'll feel better " message from healthies around you, as all of us have, and I think most of us react the way that you did to me when it happens to us. But I am not a heathy. And you read what I wrote without remembering that. I did lose my siblings. I also lost a marriage to my health problems in 2001 and instantly went from a custom-built home to an old trailer in a trailer park with my 15 yo sons and got to pay $450 a month Cobra payments for the health insurance I had through my husband. Within 2 years my life savings were gone. If you had read my message without getting angry, you would realize that I talked about losing my work (in 2005) and not being able to get off the couch for 2 years. In that section I told what was the most life-saving insight I learned from that experience which is the greatest gift I can give to someone else who has lost the ability to work. That you can be useful to others by listening to them and supporting them and even have a greater impact than if you were able-bodied has kept me going more times than I can count. I get SS disability, thank God, but my husband is a blue-collar worker and we live in Appalachia where jobs have never been plentiful. He works on the side so that we can make ends meet and I can tell you that I haven't bought a pair of jeans anywhere but Goodwill in over a decade. But I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body and enough food to eat, which is what I meant by having my needs met and no, I have not always been so fortunate. I also said that I get down too and feel sorry for myself but that it doesn't last long. And THE REASON THAT IT DOESN'T LAST LONG is because I am such a strong believer in what I wrote to you - that we don't have a choice in whether we are sick, only in how we respond to it. Getting out of a " downer " is MUCH quicker for me now because it is only a matter of remembering that and forcing myself to accept it once more. I forget and remember over and over again but I also get better and better at remembering as I go along. It isn't " my philosophy " , it is a pure and simple fact of life. And it is BY FAR the most important thing that has made my life better for so very many years. Probably second to it is thinking about the impact my choice has on those who love me - my husband and sons. If I am miserable, they are too, and do I have a right to make them feel that way? What good does it do me for them to feel badly? If I can be even minimally cheerful, I make their lives much better instead of pulling them down and that really matters. Even if I can't be cheerful, I can focus on THEM rather than myself and that is almost as good. You said " i hope was your attempt to be of help " . Yes, I was attempting to help you but no one can help you unless you are willing to be helped. I have been where you are, many times, and I do understand how you feel as I have felt that way many times. I told you how I get out of it. If you don't want to take the hand I extended, I can't make you, but if you don't, you will just spend that much longer in the dark. It is YOUR CHOICE. BTW, my shoulder surgeon told me yesterday that I may very well have this shoulder swelling for the rest of my life (after telling me in March that it might last " several months " ). It would appear that my lymph system may be permanently damaged and only time will tell whether or not it will get better. And my shoulder is but one of a number of health problems I contend with. Be careful when you are on one of these support groups not to make assumptions about someone else's state of health because YOU DO NOT KNOW what their situation is. I did not minimize your problems or your pain but you did mine. I know what it is to not feel rosie, in fact, I can't remember when I last did feel that way. Just because I counted some of my blessings does not mean that I don't have my own burdens to carry. I wish you all the best. Margie > > I am quite new to this group and believe i have previously posted to the group attempting to encourage everyone to look for the light when feeling despondent and to hold to hope. When i posted 'A Dark Day' i was sticking my neck out saying i wasnt having a very good day. I hoped someone would say they understood where i was in that moment. I don't see what i said as not being gratelul for what i have or feeling sorry for myself Margaret, i have been fighting illness for 40 yrs. I lost my work. I've not had a supportive family and always a means of having all my needs met. Have you asked yourself what it would be like if you had not had the things you stated were everything to you and you were having a day when everything didnt feel rosie. Would you want to be able to say something to a group whose purpose in some part is to offer understanding support and come away feeling understood ratheq than scolded and told to not be feeling sorry for yourself? > Though i do agree it is better to coumt blessings as you spoke of and not fixate on the negative, i feel like you were not seeing my life and feelings in the midst of yours. Just thought i'd say so and still appreciate what i hope was your attempt to be of help and i believe we could all benefit by thinking more about what the circumstances of anothers life have been. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted July 3, 2012 Report Share Posted July 3, 2012 Jo, I have had some time to think about your post and have realized something. You reacted to my post as though it came from someone who was not chronically ill. I have no doubt you have gotten the " buck up and you'll feel better " message from healthies around you, as all of us have, and I think most of us react the way that you did to me when it happens to us. But I am not a heathy. And you read what I wrote without remembering that. I did lose my siblings. I also lost a marriage to my health problems in 2001 and instantly went from a custom-built home to an old trailer in a trailer park with my 15 yo sons and got to pay $450 a month Cobra payments for the health insurance I had through my husband. Within 2 years my life savings were gone. If you had read my message without getting angry, you would realize that I talked about losing my work (in 2005) and not being able to get off the couch for 2 years. In that section I told what was the most life-saving insight I learned from that experience which is the greatest gift I can give to someone else who has lost the ability to work. That you can be useful to others by listening to them and supporting them and even have a greater impact than if you were able-bodied has kept me going more times than I can count. I get SS disability, thank God, but my husband is a blue-collar worker and we live in Appalachia where jobs have never been plentiful. He works on the side so that we can make ends meet and I can tell you that I haven't bought a pair of jeans anywhere but Goodwill in over a decade. But I have a roof over my head, clothes on my body and enough food to eat, which is what I meant by having my needs met and no, I have not always been so fortunate. I also said that I get down too and feel sorry for myself but that it doesn't last long. And THE REASON THAT IT DOESN'T LAST LONG is because I am such a strong believer in what I wrote to you - that we don't have a choice in whether we are sick, only in how we respond to it. Getting out of a " downer " is MUCH quicker for me now because it is only a matter of remembering that and forcing myself to accept it once more. I forget and remember over and over again but I also get better and better at remembering as I go along. It isn't " my philosophy " , it is a pure and simple fact of life. And it is BY FAR the most important thing that has made my life better for so very many years. Probably second to it is thinking about the impact my choice has on those who love me - my husband and sons. If I am miserable, they are too, and do I have a right to make them feel that way? What good does it do me for them to feel badly? If I can be even minimally cheerful, I make their lives much better instead of pulling them down and that really matters. Even if I can't be cheerful, I can focus on THEM rather than myself and that is almost as good. You said " i hope was your attempt to be of help " . Yes, I was attempting to help you but no one can help you unless you are willing to be helped. I have been where you are, many times, and I do understand how you feel as I have felt that way many times. I told you how I get out of it. If you don't want to take the hand I extended, I can't make you, but if you don't, you will just spend that much longer in the dark. It is YOUR CHOICE. BTW, my shoulder surgeon told me yesterday that I may very well have this shoulder swelling for the rest of my life (after telling me in March that it might last " several months " ). It would appear that my lymph system may be permanently damaged and only time will tell whether or not it will get better. And my shoulder is but one of a number of health problems I contend with. Be careful when you are on one of these support groups not to make assumptions about someone else's state of health because YOU DO NOT KNOW what their situation is. I did not minimize your problems or your pain but you did mine. I know what it is to not feel rosie, in fact, I can't remember when I last did feel that way. Just because I counted some of my blessings does not mean that I don't have my own burdens to carry. I wish you all the best. Margie > > I am quite new to this group and believe i have previously posted to the group attempting to encourage everyone to look for the light when feeling despondent and to hold to hope. When i posted 'A Dark Day' i was sticking my neck out saying i wasnt having a very good day. I hoped someone would say they understood where i was in that moment. I don't see what i said as not being gratelul for what i have or feeling sorry for myself Margaret, i have been fighting illness for 40 yrs. I lost my work. I've not had a supportive family and always a means of having all my needs met. Have you asked yourself what it would be like if you had not had the things you stated were everything to you and you were having a day when everything didnt feel rosie. Would you want to be able to say something to a group whose purpose in some part is to offer understanding support and come away feeling understood ratheq than scolded and told to not be feeling sorry for yourself? > Though i do agree it is better to coumt blessings as you spoke of and not fixate on the negative, i feel like you were not seeing my life and feelings in the midst of yours. Just thought i'd say so and still appreciate what i hope was your attempt to be of help and i believe we could all benefit by thinking more about what the circumstances of anothers life have been. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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