Re: jannis/sharon

[Guest guest]

jannis,

wow, cg for 2 parents and one being an old onry man who has his stubborn mind

made up that he can 'fix' his wife. wow that is a handful.  are you the only

child. is awful sa this is to say you may have to prove mental competency on

both paretns and get POA over them or a court appointed POA your dad will me mad

as a hornets nest that the dog peed on. but you may have no altrenative, if the

state steps inwithout you trying to intervene then it may be harder to prove

taht you are the lovling child who wanted to help.  the sytems sucks and

sometimes you just have do waht is right for the situation, desptie hurt

feelings, might work out for the best,  your dad will go to pieces if his wife

is taken away and put into a nh, and then he will have a new set of issues to

deal with. 

i hate suggesting these but if anyone has any other ideas please jump in seems

like jannis is in a no  win no win situation.  good luck and hugs, sharon

Subject: Re: 08-08-08

To: LBDcaregivers

Date: Saturday, August 9, 2008, 5:21 PM

Sharon ~

 

My Mom is being cared for by my Dad, in their home.  Their home is

handicap-adapted, and yes, she has a walker, and a wheelchair, but she cannot

support weight on her legs at all.  She has to be lifted from the bed, lifted

into her wheelchair, lifted onto the portable commode, etc.  She can't even

adjust herself in bed or anywhere.  She has to be pulled into position whether

in her bed or sitting in her recliner.  She cannot bathe herself, someone has to

provide every care for her.  She can't dress herself.  She can't do anything but

attempt to feed herself.  A meal can take hours to accomplish.  She will not

allow anyone to feed her.  She zones out with the food in mid-air and will sit

that way for a good half-hour. 

 

Where the problem lies is in letting her get out of the bed with rails and sit

in her recliner.  Dad, bless his heart, is 84 years old.  We haven't been able

to make him understand that he CANNOT take his eyes off her for even a minute

while she's out of the bed.  He has to sit there in the room with her, awake and

alert.  However, he gets antsy and wants to do something, so he'll go into the

kitchen and leave her alone in the recliner...or he'll go to the utility room

and work on the laundry...not thinking about the fact that from time to time

she'll get it in her head to get up and go someplace!  The moment she tries to

get up, she falls.  The last time she fell (last week) she got a big bump on her

head, and that's what the hospice nurse was concerned about.  Hospice is

concerned that Dad's not capable of taking care of her in home.  He's left her

alone on the portable commode also, and she's fallen there, tipping the commode

and its contents

onto the carpet.  He does nothing but complain about being there with her, yet

he won't hear of anyone coming in to help.  I've tried to fix it up for my

ex-wife to be there, to help out, and he said, " well, maybe about 4 hours a

week " .  The point is, he doesn't want to have to pay anyone any more than is

absolutely necessary, and he feels he's doing an adequate job.

 

So, in effect, Dad's tied my hands.  I don't have POA over Mom.  He refused to

even think of it, much less allow it, and as her husband and next of kin he has

all the power.  I'm just trying to find ways to deal with a situation that is

becoming more and more impossible.  I've had to give up my night and Saturday

school teaching because last semester nearly killed me, teaching all day,

running to their house on my lunch hour, checking on them, going to work

on Monday and Wednesday nights, and Saturday mornings, and spending all the rest

of my free time over at their house tending to Mom's needs and listening to

Dad's complaints of aches and pains and depression, on and on and on.  When I go

there, I don't have caregiving for ONE person...it' s for TWO.  

 

The hospice nurse did report it to the social worker with hospice, and he

contacted me and, of course, they're pushing for nursing home care.  That's

where the real dilemma comes in.  Dad won't allow it, and I have no power, and I

still don't feel that nursing home care is the best for her, either.  She can't

socialize, she can't do anything other than either sit in her recliner or lie in

her bed, but at least when she's home Dad will put her on the commode and keep

her clean and dry.  I've seen far too many elderly people in nursing homes

sitting or lying in their urine or feces, or slumping in wheelchairs and

drooling while being totally ignored.  If they're like Sherry's mom, up and

socializing and talking and everything, that's one thing.  If they're like my

sweet Mom, they're ignored.  She's not lucid enough to hold a conversation, she

doesn't know what day it is, she doesn't know the date, she didn't even know her

own birthday.  She doesn't

mark the passing of the daytime hours.  She won't allow a television to be on. 

While she can't dress herself, she can remove underclothing.  We've tried to

keep panties and a pad on her, we've tried adult diapers, etc., and she manages

to get them off. 

 

Thankfully her hallucinations, while still present, don't scare her as much.. 

She's never combative, she's never aggressive.  Most of the time she's

non-responsive. 

 

So, we're in a situation that can't get better, and we know that it will become

worse.  I hold no illusions about the future.  There's nothing that can be

given, nothing that can be done to make it any better.  We're on the last leg of

the journey, I'm afraid, but who knows how long the journey will take?

Jannis

Redefining Normal Every Day

[Guest guest]

Jannis - I was going to suggest the same as Sharon re: guardianship.

It might have to be an ultimatum for your dad that your mom either go

to a NH or he accepts help from private homecare or other services

like PACE.

Here's info re: guardianship --

Guardianship

Guardianship, also, referred to as conservatorship, is a legal

process, utilized when a person can no longer make or communicate

safe or sound decisions about his/her person and/or property or has

become susceptible to fraud or undue influence. Because establishing

a guardianship may remove considerable rights from an individual, it

should only be considered after alternatives to guardianship have

proven ineffective or are unavailable.

http://www.guardianship.org/

Here's info re: PACE --

Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly (PACE)

PACE is unique. It is an optional benefit under both Medicare and

Medicaid that focuses entirely on older people, who are frail enough

to meet their State's standards for nursing home care. It features

comprehensive medical and social services that can be provided at an

adult day health center, home, and/or inpatient facilities. For most

patients, the comprehensive service package permits them to continue

living at home while receiving services, rather than be

institutionalized. A team of doctors, nurses and other health

professionals assess participant needs, develop care plans, and

deliver all services which are integrated into a complete health care

plan. PACE is available only in States which have chosen to offer

PACE under Medicaid.

http://www.medicare.gov/Nursing/Alternatives/Pace.asp

National Association for Home Care and Hospice

" Home care " is a simple phrase that encompasses a wide range of

health and social services. These services are delivered at home to

recovering, disabled, chronically or terminally ill persons in need

of medical, nursing, social, or therapeutic treatment and/or

assistance with the essential activities of daily living.

http://www.nahc.org/famcar_state.html

>

> jannis,

> wow, cg for 2 parents and one being an old onry man who has his

stubborn mind made up that he can 'fix' his wife. wow that is a

handful.  are you the only child. is awful sa this is to say you may

have to prove mental competency on both paretns and get POA over them

or a court appointed POA your dad will me mad as a hornets nest that

the dog peed on. but you may have no altrenative, if the state steps

inwithout you trying to intervene then it may be harder to prove taht

you are the lovling child who wanted to help.  the sytems sucks and

sometimes you just have do waht is right for the situation, desptie

hurt feelings, might work out for the best,  your dad will go to

pieces if his wife is taken away and put into a nh, and then he will

have a new set of issues to deal with. 

> i hate suggesting these but if anyone has any other ideas please

jump in seems like jannis is in a no  win no win situation.  good

luck and hugs, sharon