Sucide (everyone please read)

[Guest guest]

This is rather long but a ask each of you to please please read it.

I wish I could express my words like PJ but I can't, but one thing I can

do is to tell you what it feels like to loose someone you love very much

to sucide.

Last Year I recieved a call from the daughter of my sister-in-law

informing me that my oldest and closest brother commited sucide. He

shot himself in the head in the closet of his home. This news literally

almost killed me, along with his wife and the rest of the family. (Damn

this is hard to write) If you all could feel the pain that is still

going on inside of me and will for the rest of my life you would think

twice before doing it or even seriously contenplating it. This pain is

far worse than the Fibro and RSD but together. It is a heartbreaking,

sick, anger, and what could I have done feeling. You wonder what did I

miss, did he cry out to me and I missed something, was he trying to

talk to me and I would not listen to his whining. WHAT IN GOD'S NAME

COULD I HAVE DONE? is the question that goes over and over in our minds

all the time. I miss my brother so much and I know it is because of the

way he died.

I have lost both of my parents and another brother but they were all due

to natual causes, I hurt when they died and I still miss them, but this

is so much harder.

My sister in law and I have gone over and over this and so far the best

we can come up with is (he did not leave a note) that he was having

finacial problems and flashbacks from vietnam.

Which both could have been helped with proper treatment and time. Just

like RSD or anything else.

How would you like a spouse to open a closet door and see you body

laying on the floor with a big whole in you head and a gun laying beside

you. And then see you partical plate laying on the self in the closet.

Or you child walk into a room and see and empty bottle of pills and a

glass of water on the night stand and your skin a blueish shade and you

body stiff.

Or you hanging in the doorway with your tongue hanging out of you mouth

and you eyes rolled back in your head.

Or how would you feel if you walked into a room and saw one of your

children or your husband in one of these situations or one of another,

Blood all over from slitting your wrist, or hearing a car running and

seeing them slumped over the steering wheel. There could be other ways

but I am too upset and can't think.......... Oh yeah jump off a bridge

and let one of you find yours or their body swollen by water and fish

bites all over the body beyond reconition, or jump off a building and

your body is all mangled, bruised and bloody. Just close your eyes and

picture this and all the others that you love and that love you and see

if that is the way you want to remember them and them remember

you.........

I have to admit it is hard as hell for me to read of someone to talk of

sucide and sometimes I can't read the whole letter. Someday when this

is not as fresh in my mind maybe I can but right now I am just huting to

bad inside not from the RSD. I would rather have the RSD all over every

inch of my body than have this locked so deeply in my mind and in my

heart.

I have to close. But PLEASE THINK HARD ON THIS before speaking to

someone or even thinking about commeting the act.

Someone who loves you all

Carolyn