Dear Bank ...

[Guest guest]

You should get a good laugh from this one ...

Below is an actual letter sent to a bank. The bank manager thought it amusing

enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir;

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay

my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed

between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds

needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an

arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and

also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience

caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused

me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally

attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am

confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which

your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My

mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be

automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and

confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open

such an envelope.

Please find attached anApplication Contact Status which I require your chosen

employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I

know

as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned

by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation

(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must

quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits

but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access

my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the

sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:

1.- To make an appointment to see me.

2.- To query a missing payment.

3.- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4.- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5.- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6.- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7.- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is

required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the authorized

contact.

8.- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9.- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on

hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may,

on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration

of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment

fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous day,

Your Humble Client,