Humor - How to install software

[Guest guest]

A friend sent me this little gem ...

How To Install Software: A 12-Step Program

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that

explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should

look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER

628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM

719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE

3546 MB RAM

432323 MB ROM

05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM

2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain

detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the

software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch

floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide

by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever

reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.

Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the

Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software

Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the

user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear

drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one

nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers

weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, " (Name of child),

please install this on my computer. "

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the

appropriate drive, type " SETUP " and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type " SETUP " and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the

following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the

best way to render it inoperable.

Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

| YES | | SURE |

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a

very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.

Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when

they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device,

such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will

create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard

drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like

" puree.exe, " " fester.dat, " and " doo.wha. "

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the

following message:

CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to

your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of

breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites,you should immediately swear,

like this: *!@!$)$%@ & *^)$*!#$_$*^ &

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the

federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package

and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear,

step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

And so that's the easy way to install software...