RE: : What does hurt look like?

May 11, 2012

Thank you Deb, and what an experience you have had. Men like the one you describe are after gaining power over others who are a threat or who they think they can subjugate to their will.

They are cowards.

How you must have churned, knowing this man was wrong, but getting away with it - thats how they get away with it, by charming people into believing them.

I have another couple of weeks of this to endure, before being able to commit to another set of work elsewhere, but its heart breaking because I know I have a lot to give to this charity, and there are many people working with me who know that but are scared to say it.

At least I have set out a trail for the future, with a great assistant who can carry on my work and who isnt (yet) under scrutiny, but is forewarned of what might come. As I mentioned, I have tightened up a lot of procedures, particularly Facebook etc, where people were happily sounding off and saying defamatory things about all and sundry without realising they were legally bound to those statements. So I have capped off a lot of the rumour machine.

The fact that my stalker is plausible to others is what has taken me by surprise the most. I have had some horrendous stuff in my life, from the gambling ex husband, murder of a brother and my stillborn children, but I wasnt equipped for being hated by a group of people who dont even know me that well. Life can catch you out, cant it?

Anyway, thanks for your wisdom, you have given me a boost today; and in your case, I cant see that the perpetrator had any rationale whatsoever for his behaviour (my stalker is full blown Tourette syndrome, OCD, ASD). Nasty. Er, shouldnt he be in jail, by the way????

Well done you. And I would say that you sound like a good best friend to have. :-))

Judy B

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Friday, 11 May 2012, 1:06Subject: RE: : What does "hurt" look like?

Hi Judy,

Many years ago I went t though something very similar what I was the chair or a society and it was awful. I really feel for you! You seem like such a lovely woman who is the last person who deserves to be treated so badly.

My situation was a bit different but the character assassination was the same. Before I was the chair of the society I had been sexually assaulted by one of the well respected members. I managed to get away from him before he got too far but I was very emotionally damaged by it anyway. What made it worse was that the two women members I told about it said I must have misunderstood because he was such a pillar of the community he would never do such a thing. So I stuffed it away but felt dirty, distrustful, ashamed, and like I couldnâ€™t trust my own opinions anymore. Until a few years later when I was on the board I was approached by a woman who said the same thing had happened to her so she did some digging on this fellow and found out he had raped his 16 year old daughter, got her pregnant, and spent time in jail for it. She asked me to do something about him in

our community.

So I held a special board meeting to discuss the matter and everyone came with their knives out and all were pointed at me. How could I impeach this good manâ€™s name. Etc. And just like in your case even the evidence did not change their opinion and I was vilified. Long story short we made an agreement with Mr. X that he could attend the festival but could not touch anyone under the age of consent. Well he gave a massage to a 17 year old with her naked and he came out of the massage room with a huge grin on his face tucking his shirt on as he walked towards me staring me in the eye the entire time. I called the board together and they concurred he needed to go and he was escorted off of the property. But the damage to my reputation was already done and to this day there are people who hate me because they believe the rumors instead of the truth.

I quit the board the next term and stopped going to the festivals a few years back. Not because of this but because my health has not been good enough for me to attend and enjoy myself. For many years this experience haunted me and I could not even think about it without shaking. But at some point I let it go. I realized that I really didnâ€™t care what those people thought about me and that they could not hurt me anymore. Plus as time went on I think some of them realized they had been mistaken but were too proud to apologize. And it was hurting me to carry around that pain, it was done and over with so I needed to move on. The experience made me politically smarter and I would never be as naive as I was then. The hardest part for me was forgiving myself for not listening to that internal voice that said â€œno this canâ€™t be happening, he is a â€œgoodâ€ manâ€.

And life can be so strange. I made the best friend of my life out of this experience. She was one of the people who came gunning for me but a year or so afterwards we met at a class and she asked to speak with me. I said sure but I wanted to talk first. I told her exactly how I felt and she said she understand how I could feel that way and she would understand if you couldnâ€™t forgive her but she wanted to tell me that she was wrong and what she did to me was awful. She hoped I could forgive her because she truly regretted what she did to me. It was such an honest apology that I had real respect for her and she has become the best friend anyone could have.

I hope something wonderful comes out of this experience for you too!

Wishing you the very best life has to offer,

Deb

From: aspires-relationships [mailto:aspires-relationships ] On Behalf Of JUDY BARROWSent: May-10-12 11:26 AMTo: aspires-relationships Subject: Re: : What does "hurt" look like?

The posts on hurt, and how to deal with it, is fascinating for me at the present time; over the past four months I have been hounded several times a day by a person with severe OCD, and this person once held the post I have now, heading up a national charity. The person who used to do my work, was asked to step down (not by me, but a Committee) due to being difficult to work with, and they have been watching our work closely ever since. Recently, this person decided to start a rumour in print and public, about our (mainly my) use of charity funds (all falsehoods) resulting in months of charity legislature investigation and loss of services for my clients because my volunteers and my

co-workers were unable to deal with the constant pressure and many of them left.

I've spent the months placating all parties, including our sponsors, by being very nice and letting go of hurt, trying to show dignity, at the cost of swallowing my own very valid arguments that would have worked in other situations, but didnt wash at all with my clients, who mostly have OCD, and are living with tourette syndrome, aspergers and ASD. Plant an idea in their heads, and it burns and burns.

As the person in charge, I have a duty of care to my clients, but also to the individual concerned, who has serious neurological issues; and who, being a well known person in Tourette syndrome circles, the damage to our reputation as a caring charity have been even worse if I had reacted in kind. The press would have had a field day. Hence, any anger I wanted to direct at this individual would be held up as a score. I took the route of publishing the truths, and regaining confidence of our clients piece by piece, bit by bit. No threats or sueing, just fighting each defamation with evidence of truth. And kindess.

In order not to build up chinese whisper falsehoods, and to overcome the stress of my peers, I have had to follow each attack (which were consistent, the same criticism over and over again) with repeated calm statements, no anger, and keeping it simple. I have had to come home and belt the feathers out of a few pillows, as I cant pass on my frustration to Ian at home. And now, I have lost my job because whilst fighting all the oncomers, I havent been able to retain my own funding. My salary fund was spent on defending the case, and there is no money for me this month or next. And as I need to work, I now have to leave. So in a way, that person has won, as he has driven me out, in that respect.

In the end, there has been a lot of good, because I have set up social media guidelines for our workers, training for peers in order to know when someone should be told information or not, and which hat to wear when in Committee.... and published all our funding and activities in a forum and so bulletproofed us from that person and their ilk in the future. They have tried to keep on with their hatred, but its good now, because people are defending the charity, defending me, and asking that person to explain why they are saying what they are saying. The person said they believed what they were saying was true, even when confronted with reality. They couldnt snap out of it.

I met with the person the other week in mediation, and the individual admitted their OCD was so strong they didnt see the irrationality or even comprehend that they were hurting me and the charity. All that mattered was saying their piece and being listened to, gaining agreement. The person could not say sorry, they were genuinely pained at the thought. I left that meeting with the knowledge that they would never move on, so I had to.

I am worn out with dealing with continued nastiness, because it is unfair and I simply cant move on inside. I might be in the clear and we have got through the other side, but I am damaged. .

The other element of the subject of overcoming hurts, is that Ian, as part of his own OCD and Aspieness, cant let go or forget, let alone forgive.

Ah, that differentation between forgive and forget. Ian remembers everything that matters to him - whether that be the entire first Star Trek episode, or something that happened when he was two years old, or most probably, being snubbed, ignored, laughed at, dismissed, and called stupid. Being ignored is a big one for Ian. He will move heaven and earth to revenge himself for being ignored - not just overlooked, but ignored when giving advice, or asking someone not to do something, or not being given credit for his actions. Its these instances where he cannot forget, and never forgive.

In terms of my situation at work, I see a pattern - Ian would be just to same to whoever took his place, if he had been ousted from his post. I havent told him about my work situation because he would fixate on it himself, and even take the other side. Plus, he has 53 years of other fixations to go on with, and these surface constantly so he doesnt deserve one of mine, too.

Sometimes, people do things that they are compelled to do and sometimes that isnt intended to be personal, even if it impacts on you personally. Its all about their driving passions. If we tell someone that we prefer them not to do something and they still do it, how do you deal with that? How not to let the poison seep in? Or how do you reject that poison - by allowing yourself to move on? Surely that means letting the other person off the hook? But then, nothing changes, and if you live with that culture, it becomes an acceptable way of living. By being nice to my own adversary, I damaged myself, but it was purely to limit the damage to the charity and the people within it. Yet I managed to explain and support my own case, in public, and through the authorities, but it wasnt ideal for me. I would

have loved to have thumped that person on the nose.

I have learnt from Ian that he chooses to live with a set of past hurts because he feels it justifies his behaviours at the time. If his actions impact on me, I tell him how I 'see' things from my point of view, so even if he cant understand why I feel hurt, he knows that I am. And we keep that dialogue going, if Ian unwittingly walks over my needs or feelings, I always explain (calmly) how I feel. Sometimes that is acknowledged, often it is greeted with an 'eh?' of incomprehension.

By the way, , I still dont get your posts and only read them when others reply, its been like this for a while - I am trying to alter my settings so that my email spam doesnt trash all emails from your neck of the woods.

Thanks for reading this far. I dont often bare my soul, but this one is very relevant to me at the moment.

Judy B, getting a hard shell.

To: aspires-relationships Sent: Thursday, 10 May 2012, 13:04Subject: Re: : What does "hurt" look like?

> Instead, I seek explanations. I look for the reasons why someone acted the way they did, and try to figure out the path they took to the actions they took. Sometimes, when I understand, I'll accept what they did as understandable, but wrong. As I often say to my kids, An explanation is not an excuse. Just because I can see why you did something does not make what you did right.Yeah, that's pretty much where I'm at too with similar situations. I find it calming, as it helps to make sense of my experience.> In other cases, though I can follow the logic path, the initial reasons don't make sense. A therapist friend of mine once told me that most insane people make perfectly sensible decisions, they just start from faulty premises.I've found that

sometimes the initial reasons don't make sense because I don't have all of the information, and thus cannot construct a complete picture.Sometimes there are outside pressures (real or perceived) on the person who (usually inadvertently) inflicted the hurt, pressures that may have driven them to take the path of expediency/self-interest. A path they will probably rationalize (to themselves and to you) to avoid the discomfort of cognitive dissonance with respect to their self-image and actual behavior.In an ideal situation, I will be able to access the missing information at some point so that I can fill in the blanks. Usually though, it doesn't happen that way and I need to make peace with knowing that I will probably never know the complete story. Very frustrating....> His actions are still hurtful, and his premises are wrong. I don't hold a grudge against him, I

don't hurt him in retaliation, but neither can I accept his presence in my life.I think that's a great way to approach the issue, Liz. The less emotional energy invested, the better.Best,~CJ------------------------------------ "We each have our own way of living in the world, together we are like a symphony.Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony It all blends together, we are like a symphony, and each part is crucial.We all contribute to the song of life." ...Sondra We might not always agree; but TOGETHER we will make a difference.ASPIRES is a closed, confidential, moderated list.Responsibility for posts to ASPIRES lies entirely with the original author. Do NOT post mail off-list

without the author's permission. When in doubt, please refer to our list rules at: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/info_rules.htm ASPIRES ~ Climbing the mountain TOGETHER http://www.aspires-relationships.com

May 11, 2012