Re: Jealous BECKY and EVERYONE

[Guest guest]

I couldn't resist, I had to respond with my 2 cents. First of all, you

said, " I trust him, it's not that " . If you truly do trust him, and only

you can answer that for sure. Then this is NOT the issue. The issue with

you, yourself. That's not saying anything bad about you or anything like

that. I think it several things, not just the RA itself or even the

depression that unusually comes with RA. We all have our own

insecurities about ourselves, physically as well as emotionally. These

insecurities tend to get a bit magnified when we are going through

depressions and/or physical problems such as RA. Our insecurities feed

the depression and the depression feeds the insecurities, forming a

paradox that we often can't seem to get out of, so it just grows until

if finds outside situations or circumstances that validate the vicious

cycle we have fallen into. Look back at your story:

" I feel fat and ugly and old "

I'm 47 years old, 180 pounds, used to weight 100 soaking wet.

My husband's co-workers (he works in the field and at home but does have

an office for his occasional use in his company) are all young, pretty,

skinny, full of life and do not have RA and all the #% that goes along

with it. (Basically you're saying, " I'm old, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I lack

life and I have RA " )

I can't believe I'm like this

Maybe the kiss thing was inappropriate, maybe it was completely

innocent, that's not for me to say and you say you trust him.

We all have a disease. A disease that can and does lessen the quality of

our lives and force us to accepting (if we're lucky enough to be able to

accept) alternatives to living and how we live. These alterations

directly effect the ones we love and love us. Of course, that comes with

a degree of guilt because they have to make up for our slack when we're

down, they have to make alterations to their lives too, they have to

live with us and our disease.

It's really easy for us to add this guilt to the fire of depression

within us.

Yes, I used the word " guilt " . Guilt is about what " I did " or " what I am

doing " How many of us have told ourselves during our disease. " I'm

ruining his/her life " " I caused them to have to do without. " " They

couldn't have (or do) something special because of me " GUILT..I can

honestly say that this is something I battle with everyday, with my wife

and my kids. They don't make me feel guilty. That's a gift I give

myself.

But what about the other??? If guilt is " I did " what is all the " I am "

in your story and in your mind?

I am fat, I am ugly, I am less then.. I am diseased. This is by

definition shame.

I'm ashamed of my appearance. I'm ashamed of the fact that I am a 39

year old man who's wife supports him and his kids. I'm a fairly young

man that uses a cane, when I'm not too absolutely embarrassed to be seen

in public using it. I feel both the guilt and shame every time I park my

car only to get out and notice people staring at me because I'm parked

in a handicap space. After all, I am only 39. Tell me most of you don't

have some of the same thoughts, I would guess you do.

This disease, like most other diseases or illness comes with more then

just the physical aspects of it. We also have a constant emotional

battle. Sometimes we do well and sometimes we don't.

Like you said in your story: " I'm 47 years old, 180 pounds, used to

weight 100 soaking wet. "

We all use to be younger, better looking, more energetic and more

capable. A big part of all this is the harsh reality of what we used to

be but aren't anymore because of our disease.

All these things tie in together, the depression, insecurities, guilt,

shame and our disease. This is a lot to handle. Sometimes it seems

impossible to handle. But I suspect that's why we form support groups

like this. So we can talk with other people who are going through the

same things and truly understand without us having to explain, they

(you) just know.

If you truly do trust him like you say. Then I think you did the best

therapy you can do. You used your support system to vent out some

frustrations and feelings. Hopefully you get a lot of good feedback from

everyone. I'm sure we can all relate in one way or another. Maybe not

with identical circumstances, but fairly close, especially when it comes

to our spouses and significant others.

I don't mean to ramble. I hope you all don't mind my ramblings. I just

feel these very issues are as critical as what meds we take and their

side effects. We watch the medicine side effects like a hawk, don't we?

We need to watch our disease side effects as well.

I guess the bottom line of what I'm saying , Becky and everyone, is what

you have all already said to each other in here before.

" We understand, We share your pain, We're sorry for your pain (physical

and emotional), Thank you for sharing your pain, We love you and We

truly understand!!

Rick

[ ] Jealous

I am really having a problem lately with my jealousy and my husband. I

don't know where this is coming from. Well, yes, maybe I do. I'm 47

years old, 180 pounds, used to weight 100 soaking wet. I feel fat and

ugly and old. My husband's co-workers (he works in the field and at

home but does have an office for his occasional use in his company) are

all young, pretty, skinny, full of life and do not have RA and all the

#% that goes along with it. We went to a business dinner last week that

I really didn't want to go to and I wish I hadn't. My husband does

nothing to come on to any of them but he looks a lot younger than he is

and everyone loves him. He just nice to everyone. I felt like the old

woman in the shoe. I had bought a nice little pink and black pant suit,

fixed up decently, but still felt ugly. I'm good at small conversation

but no one seemed to really care to want to talk to me unless I started

the con! versation, then it was just answering me. When we went to

leave, my back was turned as he said goodbye to one of the young

lovelies and I turned around to say goodbye and she was blowing him a

kiss. She wrinkled her pert little nose and giggled. I wanted to smack

her. He told me that they all do that little kiss blowing thing when

people are leaving. I didn't see anyone else do that. It's been 18

years since I worked in an office and back then that was would have been

inappropriate. He did it back. I didn't say anything until that night

and then I let him have it. I've mentioned it several more times

tonight and he said he's sick of hearing about it. He was going to the

grocery store for me and was not being very patient when I was trying to

make my list. I blew him a kiss goodbye and he got pissed. What is my

problem? I trust him, it's not that. I just feel that I don't fit in

with th! at bunch and really do not care to be around them at all. I

used to work with 40 men in an office (steel mill) and I don't think he

was ever jealous. But, I never did what I considered flirt with the

men. I was more like the sister that gave them advice for their wives,

always took the wives side on anything they told me and tried to give

them a woman's perspective. Sorry this is so long, I can't believe I'm

like this.

Becky

[Guest guest]

>

> We all use to be younger, better looking, more energetic and more

> capable. A big part of all this is the harsh reality of what we

used to

> be but aren't anymore because of our disease.

This is also the experience of normal aging. It takes a lot of

letting go in order to find peace. I've worked in a couple of nursing

homes and have been able to observe those who were able to laugh and

joke about their condition and still enjoy life in many ways. I also

took note of those who struggled against the inevitable and become

bitter because they couldn't win.

The bottom line is: we're all going to die. These bodies were only

loaners. Our real selves, in my view, are our spiritual selves. For

me, keeping the focus there is vital to staying centered and cheerful.

(I'm not referring to any particular religion; I do not believe there

in a " one kind fits all " approach to spirituality.)

Sierra

[Guest guest]

What a great letter, Rick! That was worth way more than 2 cents.

Sue

On Tuesday, June 1, 2004, at 01:16 AM, Rick wrote:

> I couldn't resist, I had to respond with my 2 cents.

[Guest guest]

Rick,

Very well said. I guess the gist of it is that the insecurities and bouts

of shame and guilt all lie within us. Before we can be happy with anything

we have to be happy with ourselves. This is an illness that we have to live

with ... it's hard but in a way you gotta get used to it.

-.

RE: [ ] Jealous BECKY and EVERYONE

> I couldn't resist, I had to respond with my 2 cents. First of all, you

> said, " I trust him, it's not that " . If you truly do trust him, and only

> you can answer that for sure. Then this is NOT the issue. The issue with

> you, yourself. That's not saying anything bad about you or anything like

> that. I think it several things, not just the RA itself or even the

> depression that unusually comes with RA. We all have our own

> insecurities about ourselves, physically as well as emotionally. These

> insecurities tend to get a bit magnified when we are going through

> depressions and/or physical problems such as RA. Our insecurities feed

> the depression and the depression feeds the insecurities, forming a

> paradox that we often can't seem to get out of, so it just grows until

> if finds outside situations or circumstances that validate the vicious

> cycle we have fallen into. Look back at your story: