Re: From the Onion-esp for -new research!

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 26/05/2004 20:53:27 Central Standard Time,

Matsumura_Clan@... writes:

> Thanks for posting that! How can those writers be so consistently funny?

>

>

>

>

I don't know, . As sarcastic and dark a sense of humor I have, I am

awfully envious of those who make a living at it! Cary

[Guest guest]

Cary, this is a perfect example of why I can't read the Onion every

day. - my side would hurt constantly from laughing too hard. My sons

also think I'm some sort of psycho for howling at the computer.

Thanks for posting that! How can those writers be so consistently funny?

I'll tell you where to go!

Mayo Clinic in Rochester

http://www.mayoclinic.org/rochester

s Hopkins Medicine

http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org

[ ] From the Onion-esp for -new research!

VOLUME 40 ISSUE 2019 MAY 20

THE ONION

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, drug giant Pfizer formally

introduced

Hoagizine, a pharmaceutical-grade Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt so

delicious,

it's only available by prescription.

Above: A pharmacist in Long Beach, CA explains the possible side effects

of

Hoagizine.

" Made with lean white turkey breast, hickory-smoked bacon, zesty

guacamole,

Boston leaf lettuce, and ripe tomatoes on crusty French bread, Hoagizine

is

indicated in the treatment of lunchtime satisfaction dysfunction, " said

Spencer, Pfizer's head of research and product development. " But

Hoagizine is

only available after consultation with a physician, so be sure to ask

your

doctor if this new sandwich is right for you. "

The extra-potent sandwich passed rigorous testing in both branches of

the FDA

in February. In clinical trials, 96 percent of patients who administered

the

sandwich orally experienced a deliciousness they described as

" heightened, "

" intense, " or even " overwhelming. " In the same trial, only 16 percent of

those

who received placebo sandwiches reported experiencing high levels of

deliciousness.

In preparation for Monday's announcement, Pfizer produced 800,000 units

of

the oral sandwich and distributed them to pharmacies nationwide.

Additionally,

Pfizer personnel sent out samples of Hoagizine and educated physicians

on

patient-screening procedures, treatment regimens, and serving

suggestions.

" This sandwich is extremely effective in the treatment of severe acute

and

chronic hunger, " Pfizer spokesman Abdul said. " For consumers who

find

that their regular sandwich is no longer effectively reducing pangs, the

Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt represents a good treatment option. "

said Pfizer may soon offer an even more potent version of the

sandwich, Hoagizine CM, which contains 10 grams of chipotle mayonnaise.

Consumer interest in the new Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt is high.

Physicians

filled thousands of sandwich prescriptions within 24 hours after it was

made

available.

" I guess I'm not the only one who finds regular sandwiches ineffective, "

said

Rock Falls, ID resident Lois Baird, as she sat in her physician's

waiting

room. " ly, I'd just about given up on bread-and-meat treatments,

but if

this

sandwich is going to help me eat a better, tastier lunch, I want it. "

Baird added: " I just hope it's okay to mix Hoagizine with the

broad-spectrum

soup I currently take at noon. "

Although most insurance companies cover prescriptions for the

Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt, many physicians recommend that their

patients

stick to

over-the-lunch-counter sandwiches.

Above: A doctor's order for the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt.

" Hoagizine is a powerfully delicious sandwich, " said Dr. O'Malley,

chief

nutritionist at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. " And there's the problem:

It's

overkill. Commercially available, high-quality sandwiches are delicious

enough

for 95 percent of the patients I see. Additionally, those patients who

do

actually require the extra zest and deliciousness of this medical-grade

melt

run

the risk of becoming addicted to its scrumptious flavor. I consider the

sandwich to be an emergency lunch option, for use only when everything

on the

menu

looks so blah that it threatens to ruin your entire day. "

Pfizer officials said the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt comes with some

warnings, but that it poses few health risks and, for the most part, is

made

of

all-natural ingredients. Those who are overweight, diabetic, or allergic

to

wheat

or dairy, or have a history of heart disease are urged to seek medical

counseling before ordering the melt, and women who are pregnant may

require a

second

dose of Hoagizine.

In Pfizer's lab tests, common side effects of the sandwich included a

bloated

or drowsy feeling, thirst, and a heightened desire for a side order of

chips.

If discomfort occurs, patients are urged to temporarily discontinue use

of

the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt and lie down on the couch.

" Side effects are certainly within the parameters established for

commercially available lunch items, " Spencer said. " The one thing we're

concerned with is

that, with regular use, the bacon and the guacamole could precipitate

high

cholesterol levels in some patients. But, hey, if your cholesterol does

get a

little high, that's why we make Lipitor. "

Please be aware that was satire from The Onion. With love from

Cary!