From the Onion-esp for -new research!

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VOLUME 40 ISSUE 2019 MAY 20

THE ONION

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, drug giant Pfizer formally introduced

Hoagizine, a pharmaceutical-grade Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt so delicious,

it's only available by prescription.

Above: A pharmacist in Long Beach, CA explains the possible side effects of

Hoagizine.

" Made with lean white turkey breast, hickory-smoked bacon, zesty guacamole,

Boston leaf lettuce, and ripe tomatoes on crusty French bread, Hoagizine is

indicated in the treatment of lunchtime satisfaction dysfunction, " said

Spencer, Pfizer's head of research and product development. " But Hoagizine is

only available after consultation with a physician, so be sure to ask your

doctor if this new sandwich is right for you. "

The extra-potent sandwich passed rigorous testing in both branches of the FDA

in February. In clinical trials, 96 percent of patients who administered the

sandwich orally experienced a deliciousness they described as " heightened, "

" intense, " or even " overwhelming. " In the same trial, only 16 percent of

those

who received placebo sandwiches reported experiencing high levels of

deliciousness.

In preparation for Monday's announcement, Pfizer produced 800,000 units of

the oral sandwich and distributed them to pharmacies nationwide.

Additionally,

Pfizer personnel sent out samples of Hoagizine and educated physicians on

patient-screening procedures, treatment regimens, and serving suggestions.

" This sandwich is extremely effective in the treatment of severe acute and

chronic hunger, " Pfizer spokesman Abdul said. " For consumers who find

that their regular sandwich is no longer effectively reducing pangs, the

Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt represents a good treatment option. "

said Pfizer may soon offer an even more potent version of the

sandwich, Hoagizine CM, which contains 10 grams of chipotle mayonnaise.

Consumer interest in the new Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt is high. Physicians

filled thousands of sandwich prescriptions within 24 hours after it was made

available.

" I guess I'm not the only one who finds regular sandwiches ineffective, " said

Rock Falls, ID resident Lois Baird, as she sat in her physician's waiting

room. " ly, I'd just about given up on bread-and-meat treatments, but if

this

sandwich is going to help me eat a better, tastier lunch, I want it. "

Baird added: " I just hope it's okay to mix Hoagizine with the broad-spectrum

soup I currently take at noon. "

Although most insurance companies cover prescriptions for the

Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt, many physicians recommend that their patients

stick to

over-the-lunch-counter sandwiches.

Above: A doctor's order for the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt.

" Hoagizine is a powerfully delicious sandwich, " said Dr. O'Malley, chief

nutritionist at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. " And there's the problem: It's

overkill. Commercially available, high-quality sandwiches are delicious

enough

for 95 percent of the patients I see. Additionally, those patients who do

actually require the extra zest and deliciousness of this medical-grade melt

run

the risk of becoming addicted to its scrumptious flavor. I consider the

sandwich to be an emergency lunch option, for use only when everything on the

menu

looks so blah that it threatens to ruin your entire day. "

Pfizer officials said the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt comes with some

warnings, but that it poses few health risks and, for the most part, is made

of

all-natural ingredients. Those who are overweight, diabetic, or allergic to

wheat

or dairy, or have a history of heart disease are urged to seek medical

counseling before ordering the melt, and women who are pregnant may require a

second

dose of Hoagizine.

In Pfizer's lab tests, common side effects of the sandwich included a bloated

or drowsy feeling, thirst, and a heightened desire for a side order of chips.

If discomfort occurs, patients are urged to temporarily discontinue use of

the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt and lie down on the couch.

" Side effects are certainly within the parameters established for

commercially available lunch items, " Spencer said. " The one thing we're

concerned with is

that, with regular use, the bacon and the guacamole could precipitate high

cholesterol levels in some patients. But, hey, if your cholesterol does get a

little high, that's why we make Lipitor. "

Please be aware that was satire from The Onion. With love from Cary!