Can anybody read a letter for me?

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I know I haven't stuck my head in here for a while, so I understand

if no one in here has the time or inclination to read this. There

are a pile of posts in here!

But things are rapidly reaching critical mass with my mother, and I

have to do something. Is the following potentially an effective

letter to write to a borderline? Thanks.

" Dear Mother,

I would like you to know that I have the last envelope you sent me

sitting in the living room, unopened. After opening the one before

that, I really didn't think I could stomach hearing another word from

you for quite a while.

I want you to know that, while I love you and care about your welfare

no matter what you choose to do, when what you choose to do is

totally out of order, you sure don't make it easy.

The following is your version of what happened the last time we spoke

on the phone, at least as near as I can figure:

and are living at your house, and you are upset because

they aren't paying rent, aren't taking care of the cats, and keep the

place messy and won't clean. That's problem one. Problem two is

that you feel isn't friendly you feel you're getting the cold

shoulder from them in a number of ways. You tell me about all this,

and I tell you you are imagining everything and none of it is true.

Result: You stay upset all night, tell this to Maude and Claude, and

write me a letter about how messy the house was, that everyone else

who saw it said so, and that Maude and Claude are mad at me because

you are upset.

Fair enough. What follows is the same sequence of events, from my

point of view:

I call up before Halloween to see how everyone is doing. Once again,

you start complaining and badmouthing and . Not wanting

to say anything that will make it worse, and manfully trying to say

something that actually might help make it better, I speak on two

main themes. These are:

On problem one, it IS IN FACT my opinion that they could have kept

the place cleaner. I say many times, " No one's arguing that. " Do

you remember that?? I, in point of fact, STRESSED THAT FOUR TIMES ON

THE PHONE THAT NIGHT.

Problem two: Equally important, the house is not the only issue.

Having heard a much different story from on some of the other

issues than I heard from you, I try to put forward the idea that some

of the problems are just misunderstandings and need to be talked out.

Result: You SOUND like you understand what I am saying. You SAY

you aren't telling me these things to get something out of me you can

go back and repeat to them -- which I know is a lie, because you

already are repeating things I said. forwarded me the email.

And then you change the subject yourself. I think that maybe some of

the problems are being defused and maybe things could actually end up

better off, finally.

Until ...

End result: A letter arrives arguing on and on that the house was

messy. Why is this, when I TOLD YOU FOUR TIMES that I did, indeed,

think the house was messy and that they should have cleaned??? I

said it four times: " NO ONE'S ARGUING THAT. " I counted them. Bob

was here and heard me.

One more time, let's get this straight:

ON THE PHONE, I AGREED WITH YOU.

The only other thing I said -- the ONLY thing -- was that there were

unrelated misunderstandings that need to be talked out.

It should be noted that what I told you on the phone that night was

nothing but a rerun of what I said on the very same subject at

Olivia's when you, me, Grandma, and Bob all went to dinner. I said

exactly the same thing with Maude and Bob both sitting there, and

nobody thought it was bad. Nobody said a word, and it interests me

very much that, when people were present who could verify what was

said, there was no staying up all night or inability to sleep. No

crying, no hysterics, no ugly guilt-mail. Why is it that when I say

the exact same thing over the phone with no one there as witness (I

do have Bob, who heard every word over here), suddenly it's twisted

such that you have to argue for three pages that the house was indeed

messy, and you're up crying all night, can't sleep, and people who

heard the exact same speech in person and didn't say anything are

suddenly mad at me?

And you say Bruce twists things!

One more time, let's review:

1.) You drag me in on an argument with someone else I don't even

want to know about, much less be involved in;

2.) You act like what I have said is fine with you when it isn't,

and you are too chicken to say so;

3.) You cry like a baby all night and badmouth me to my

grandparents, who weren't listening on the line and have no way to

verify what was actually said;

4.) You write me an ugly letter to try to make me feel guilty;

5.) And THEN -- you write wondering what horrible thing you

did that I treated you like a dog and didn't call you for your

birthday!!!

I would say this made me speechless, but fortunately for me, I'm

not. Here are the facts:

THE FACT IS, I sent you a birthday card and a watch for your birthday.

THE FACT IS, this is about the 10,000th time something like this has

happened, and I was just too angry to speak to you. Bob told me

several times to call, but I was just too angry to even hear your

voice after you did this terrible and completely untrue thing.

The fact is that the past three years have been a real trial with

you. 85% of any communication with you is spent dealing with your

complaints about who did what to you when. You've flipped out and

cut all your hair off over one sarcastic email and gotten back at

by disclosing his personal financial information to a complete

stranger over the internet. These are not the only, but by far the

most egregious, examples of problematic behavior on your part over

the past three years.

Mother, no one does things like this. You're like no one else I

know. I don't understand how anyone can look at behavior like this

and think that the person in question doesn't have a mental or

emotional problem of some significance.

You need to know that this problem is becoming very, very serious.

You need to know that I have been at my wit's end as to what to do

for a very long time. You need to know that this last episode with

the phone call and the letter has just about pushed me to the brink.

I've been considering completely ending my relationship with you for

quite some time. You need to know that on a scale of 1 to 10, with

10 being cutting you completely out of my life and severing my

relationship with you permanently, I am about at a 9.5.

I've been telling you and telling you and telling you and telling you

that there is a serious problem for a long time now. I have

suggested ... advised ... asked ... BEGGED you to seek professional

help. I have offered to help find you a support group or someone

qualified to see. You never want to hear it.

Now I have to tell you that if I see something like this again, I'm

going to be at a 10.

Normal people, when they have problems getting along with someone,

have appropriate ways to handle them. Saying up front that you don't

like or agree with what someone else has said: Appropriate.

Pretending it's OK on the phone and then TOTALLY misrepresenting it

to someone else, bawling your head off all night over something that

simply was not said: Inappropriate. Saying up front to someone, " I

won't loan you any more money. You take advantage and don't pay

back, " and then not loaning the money: Appropriate. Complaining,

giving it to them anyway, and then ruining their relationship with

their girlfriend, disclosing a bankruptcy to a total stranger over

the internet, especially when you know that person is trying to start

a career in law enforcement: Inappropriate.

If you can't think of appropriate ways to handle problems with other

people on your own, or you're too uncomfortable to actually perform

them, that's what therapy is for. Go there and learn.

DO NOT do anything like this to me again, or you will no longer have

me in your life to do this to. I'm not kidding. Your behavior over

the past three years has been wayyy over the top. I am at my limit.

No more.

At this point, I think a cooling off period is in order. I don't

want any contact with you at all until after the holidays. I won't

have any constant complaining, any tragic facial expressions, any

furtive attacks through third parties, or any hysterical crying, face-

slapping, hair-cutting, or other sympathy behaviors ruining my

Thanksgiving, my Christmas, my New Year, or my wedding.

Do not write me another guilting letter full of accusations and what

a poor victim you are. Millions of adults abused as children are

capable of work outside the home, independent living, and at least

some relationships that are mostly free of the type of episodes I've

just described -- even the incest victims.

I believe you are capable of doing much better. If I'm wrong and

you're not, then you are seriously mentally ill and really do need

extensive help. If I'm right and you are, then you're being lazy,

cowardly, and selfish. It needs to stop now.

In reviewing this past incident, I am satisfied with what I chose to

do. If either of us is dissatisfied with what you chose to do, my

job is to get together and help you to figure out a better way. I

think that therapy would probably be the best way.

When you feel calm, after January 1st write me back. I'd like to

talk to you about what happened and see if we can keep it from

happening again, but if you don't want to talk about it any more,

that's OK. I'll settle for you just calming down and getting some

professional help.

What will not be OK is another letter like the one I just got. If I

open the envelope and I see that again, that's a level 10, and my

only contact with you from then on, ever, will have to be inside a

therapist's office. I care about you, but one more episode like this

will push me past 10, and that's the honest truth. I simply cannot

take having someone in my life who acts like this, ever, any more.

Please take care of yourself. There are much more satisfying ways to

get along with other people. Life doesn't have to be like this.

With much love, hope, and best wishes for your future,

Your daughter, "

I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.

--LL.