Re: Today's Incident (long)

[Guest guest]

n_j,

I totally understand where you are coming from about the demand and invitation

at the

same time thing. Don't you feel like screaming " I don't OWE you ANYTHING! " ?

I am so at the end of my rope dealing with people who abuse and take advantage

and then

act like they are entitled to good treatment from the rest of the world.

>

> So, I have internets now. Yay!!! I've been catching up on the posts,

> and I hope everybody's doing well.

>

> I had an incident today that totally rings as a non-BPD issue. I had

> to apply for a loan today because my temp office screwed up on getting

> me my check (apparently they don't listen when you update your

> address) and rent is due next week. This in and of itself was

> upsetting to me because I earned rent, all by myself, working overtime

> and such. I EARNED IT. I planned it out, I was responsible, and I did

> it by myself. And I still can't pay rent. So, I'm feeling pretty much

> like I've failed at this whole independence thing. Anyways.

> I applied for this loan. Not an outrageous amount, just 600 to cover

> the part of rent I don't have and a few other little bills. Well, I've

> got pretty crappy credit and I've only been working for a month, so I

> need a cosigner. Totally understandable. My boyfriend and I talked it

> over, and we decided to ask my grannada, jsut because she'd get all

> pissed off if we asked somebody else and demand the money she's lent

> us already back. Her response was that she'd be more comfortable

> lending me the money directly because she doesn't want her credit hurt

> if I fail to make a payment. I was just blown away. I mean, I've never

> given any indication that I'm that kind of irresponsible person, I've

> never ever not paid anybody back, and I have my priorities straight.

> I'm well aware that if she cosigns on a loan for me, her credit would

> be at risk, too, and if anything, that's more likely to make me more

> concientous about paying it back on time than otherwise. Besides that,

> I've already earned the money, and I told her that. I don't know why I

> expected her to actually HEAR it. I'm pretty much convinced that she

> only thinks I wouldn't pay the loan back because she WANTS to lend me

> the money directly so she can hold it over my head and try to use it

> to control me. I am not going to give her anything else to hold over

> my head, so I've decided if she doesn't give me the answer I want by

> tomorrow at noon, I'm going to throw caution to the wind and ask my

> (relatively) sane aunt to cosign for me. At this point, I'm just so

> hurt by the fact that she continues to attribute false traits to my

> personality, that I'm willing to deal with the consequences.

>

> Anyways, the point here is that I'm feeling upset that she refuses to

> see me for who I am and how hard I work, I'm angry at myself for still

> needing and wanting her to just see me in the first place, and I'm

> feeling pretty worthless in general. I mean, she's known me all my

> life, right? So, shouldn't she know that I'm the over-achieving

> control freak that I am? My boyfriend sees it, he's proud of me, and

> he says that my reactions are totally understandable. But, somehow, I

> still want her to say that. But it just gets worse, because I know

> that these emotions are made worse because I have a tendency to over

> think and over analyze everything when I get upset. I think it's a flea.

>

> So, on a different topic, I noticed there've been alot of threads

> about Christmas lately. I wanted to add a funny one that happened a

> few weeks ago. My boyfriend and I decided to have Thanksgivng for a

> few of our friends who couldn't be with their families. Grannada was,

> needless to say, not thrilled with the decision. So, a few days later,

> she says to me, and I quote, " I want you to be here for Christmas. I

> can forgive you for Thanksgiving, but you owe me Christmas. " I said,

> " Is that a demand or an invitation? " Her response was " Both. " It was

> all I could do to keep from laughing my butt off.

>

> You know, typing about that time when I was just laughing at her makes

> me feel better. It reminds me that she's really just that crazy.

> Thanks for reading this. I know it's waaaaaay to long.

>